It was about this time last year that America was caught up in the tiger-blod-soaked, warlock-populated insanity that was Charlie Sheen‘s extremely public meltdown. While the man has fortunately moved on, even landing new show Anger Management, the actor obviously hasn’t forgotten The Dark Times either. “Clearly, a guy gets fired, his relationships are in the toilet, he’s off on some f—ing tour, there’s nothing ‘winning’ about any of that,” Sheen told this month’s Rolling Stone. “I mean, how does a guy who’s obviously quicksanded, how does he consider any of it a victory? I was in total denial.” He took the words right out of our mouth! Of course, Charlie’s dismissal from Two and a Half Men and divorce from Brooke Mueller were only a few of the shocking parts of his crash, and nowhere near the craziest. The five most jaw-dropping moments of his breakdown (as we remember it) would have to be:
1. That coke-fueled hotel room trashing: The first and perhaps the most conspicuous event in Charlie’s months-long meltdown was his October 2010 rampage through New York’s Plaza Hotel, during which he ransacked his room and allegedly held porn star Capri Anderson against her will. If only we could have foreseen the absurdity to follow…
2. Jon Cryer beef: Sheen called his Two and a Half Men costar a “a troll” for a host of perceived slights. A completely uncalled for insult, but on the other hand, lol. Read more…
Chuck Lorre‘s vision of Charlie Sheen‘s death scene on Two And A Half Men may have given him some modicum of vengeance, but he’s definitely not getting the last laugh. With the settlement Charlie is getting from Warner Bros post getting kicked off the show, he’s not winning anymore — he’s already won.
The company is going to be coughing up Ã‚Â $25 million to hand over to him in the next two weeks, as that’s what they owe him for his work. But check this out. Considering Charlie did just under 200 episodes for the show, the syndication profits to be given to him over the next 7-10 years may add up to around $100 MILLION. Which means we’re going to hear him laughing all the way to the bank for the next decade. Chuck Lorre should invest in some earplugs right about now.
She said no, people! Denise Richards was offered a Two and a Half Men guest star role for its premiere episode, but she’s turned it down! Not hard to imagine why, right? She’s still the mother of ex-husband Charlie Sheen‘s children so she isn’t touching the show with a bargepole. Not for altruistic reasons, though. Denise is of the opinion that Charlie would make life hell for her if she went anywhere near the Ashton Kutcher starring series!
Sources linked with the show’s production revealed that the deal fell through because, “She would never hear the end of it from Charlie.” Fair enough reason, we think. But we also think that the casting decision may have been Chuck Lorre having a bit of fun with his nemesis. Good thing that Denise is steering clear of the drama.
That wasn’t meant to be a cryptic headline, funnily enough. TMZ has given us some deets about how Charlie Sheen‘s Two and a Half Men character, Charlie Harper finally dies on the show. Making way for Ashton Kutcher, of course. Let’s just put it this way — Chuck Lorre took out all his frustration-hatred-angst out in the death scene!
Sources told the site about what went down on the show, which taped on Friday night. According to them, Charlie married Rose (his crazy stalker) who found him doing the nasty with another woman in the shower in Paris. The next thing you know is that Rose is detailing Charlie’s end at the funeral — but was she responsible for it ,folks? — which was straight-up grisly. She recounts how she and Charlie were at a Parisian subway when he ended up slipping onto the tracks. The train went straight at him and rammed him apart in a “meat explosion”. So basically, Chuck Lorre made mincemeat of Charlie in the end, one way or another.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Disappointed fans who yell for Charlie Sheen to “say something weird!” at his hit-or-miss live shows should just bring up Chuck Lorre. The actor has fired one violent torpedo at the producer for reportedly planning to bring back Two And A Half Men without Sheen (“You sad silly fool. A-hole p—y loser. Put on the gloves you low rent, nut-less sociopath; IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll beat your chicken s— soul in a court room into a state of gratitude.”). Here’s a larger slice of the screed:
Wow, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m sure your children are SO PROUD of you. You can teachÃ¢â‚¬â„¢em how to be a stupid b—h. A narcissist. A coward. A loser. A spineless rat. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m out here with my fans every night. The message is crystal clear; NO CHARLIE SHEEN. NO SHOW.
And thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s exactly what it will be for you and your desperate vanity cards, every Monday night, a no-show. The ratings right now are not a fluke. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a big fat mess. A 2.0 demo? That sucks. Almost as bad as you. YouÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve been warned. Reap the whirl-wind you cockroach, reap it.
It seems unlikely sweet talk like this will bring Lorre and Warner Bros. back to the negotiating table, but Sheen may have a different plan now. If they won’t let him back on the show, he can just holler threats until the suits decide its not worth reviving the sitcom at all.
Good news for the makers of Two And Half Men—Charlie Sheen isn’t going to sue for $300 million after all. No, apparently his lawyers have talked him down and Sheen only wants $100 million now. The money won’t be going entirely to the actor, though—he wants Warner Bros. and Chuck Lorre to pay the show’s crew for the last 8 episodes of Two And A Half Men‘s season, which were scrapped after Sheen began calling radio shows to complain about his treatment following a wild multi-day party with porn stars at his mansion. Besides, with all the residuals guaranteed to come in from re-runs (the show is a massive hit internationally, with many countries knowing it as My Uncle Charlie), it’s not like he wants the money so much as the revenge.
Says Sheen’s lawyer, “Chuck Lorre, one of the richest men in television who is worth hundreds of millions of dollars, believes himself to be so wealthy and powerful that he can unilaterally decide to take money away from the dedicated cast and crew of the popular television series, Two and a Half Men, in order to serve his own ego and self-interest, and make the star of the series the scapegoat for Lorre’s own conduct.” Harsh, but even-tempered compared to Sheen calling Lorre an “ugly whore” and worse on his last livestream. Does Sheen really want to be bringing up egomania andÃ‚Â professional conduct in court, though? It wasn’t Lorre waving a machete on a rooftop the other day.
Yes, we know, it’s all about Charlie Sheen these days! Are you “winning”? Are you drinking tigers blood? We admit, we love checking into his Twitter account for a chuckle, because hash tag: sheenskorner is where it’s at. We’re all apprised of the events — Sheen being fired from Two And A Half Men etc? Ã‚Â Right now, the recipient of Sheen’s vitriol, Chuck Lorre is in the process of shortlisting potential replacements for the role of Charlie Harper on the show. And apparently the fact that he reached out to actor Rob Lowe is A-Ok with the now unemployed proprietor of goddesses. Ã‚Â Sheen made the surprising revelation on an interview with K-Earth 101 (an L.A radio station), saying, “He’s a buddy of mine, he’s a beautiful man, a brilliant actor, and I hope he does it and kicks its ass because I still get pizz-aid [paid]…” However, Parks And Recreation producer Michael Schur says Rob Lowe has a multi-year contract with the show and won’t be donning Sheen’s bowling shirt on Men anytime soon.
With regards to the latter half of Sheen’s statement, Charlie plans to sue if he doesn’t receive his salary for the remainder of this season’s show, and for the whole of the next season. His argument stems from the fact that he feels he was fired wrongfully, and you know what that always means… money. It was during the same interview that Charlie offered a sort-of apology to now ex-costar Jon Cryer, for calling him a ” turncoat, a traitor, a troll“. Apparently, Cryer didn’t offer him any support so he’s mad, which seems to be a permanent condition for him these days. But during the radio interview, he offered an, “I’ll apologize to Jon right now, I was in a mood and I threw that out to somebody. I didn’t know theyÃ¢â‚¬â€well I kinda knew they were gonna print it, yeah I knew they were gonna print it. I confuse myself. It’s a little bit a half apology. An apol. The reason I was upset I didn’t get a text or a phone call or anything saying, “Hey, dude, back off,Ã‚Â I got your back, or you got my back or there’s a back involved’.” And there you have it, Charlie’s addition to the lexicon—“an apol”.
The new Life & Style may have Charlie Sheen admitting he’s in trouble (“I’m really starting to lose my mind, I’m ready to call anyone to help”), but he hardly sounded apologetic on last night’s missive from Charlie Sheen’s Korner. Instead of sharing another of Charlie’s manic phone calls with twitter collaborator Rob Maron, this episode was clearly pre-written, with Sheen giving a poetic, Beat-styled beatdown of his former employers (“oh, how they once begged to attend my perfect banquet in the nude, now they just beg for the keys to my gold”), with Men producer Chuck Lorre getting the worst of it (“think of me often, loser, during your most quiet moments…think of me as you pray to your silly god, AA…can you smell your soul? Can you smell the rotting dogs—?”).
Delivered directly to the camera, Sheen’s language is both incoherent (“undigested hummus trading real estate for this fire dance”) and stunning (“here is my unwanted guest list, their names slightly altered to keep their stench from polluting my magic daiquiri”). If you’re not completely sick of the guy, it’s easily the most fascinating and watchable of his online rants. Watch the episode and read more choice quotes after the jump.
Where to even begin when writing an update on this Charlie Sheen insanity explosion that keeps raining down upon us? Let’s start with the craziest things first, shall we? Earlier we reported that Sheen, in one of his rants against Two And A Half Men creator Chuck Lorre said that he would be thrilled to fight Lorre in an octagon. Well, lucky for Sheen, Ultimate Fighting Championship boss Dana White wants to make that happen and has offered Charlie use of his octagon if he and Lorre want to throw down. Thanks for enabling Sheen’s insane, violent fantasy, Dana White! Sheen also fought back against the accusation that he was Anti-Semitic when he referred to Lorre as “Chaim Levine” in his rant. Sheen clarified to TMZ, saying “I was referring to Chuck by his real name, because I wanted to address the man, not the bulls— TV persona. So you’re telling me, anytime someone calls me Carlos Estevez, I can claim they are anti-Latino?” Oh, Carlos, no, we just don’t know what to make of anything you say at all anymore.
Next on the docket of craziness is the fact that Sheen claims he is working on a deal with HBO to host his own talk show for $5 million an episode. “I’m close to securing a deal with HBO for a 10 show guarantee,” Sheen told Radar, also noting that it will be called Sheen’s Corner. That’s pretty lucky that he made this deal so soon—we mean like, minutes—after it was announced that Two And A Half Men was halting production for the year. “It will be epic, all types of guests and we will focus on the truth and the absurd!” says Sheen of his hypothetical new show, not realizing that the real truth is that he is absurd. Hilariously, HBO has completely denied that they are working with Sheen. (Whew! We wouldn’t want to lose faith in our HBO.)
As always, we’ll keep our ears open for the next bit of Sheen-related craziness, we’re sure it’s in the pipes already.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Despite what you might assume from his porn star babysitters or constant string of terrible choices, Charlie Sheen is really looking out for the kids. On his return visit to the Dan Patrick Show today, Charlie Sheen denied doing drugs or drinking on set at Two And A Half Men. We certainly hope that’s the case, considering Sheen’s co-star Angus T. Jones was all of ten years old when he started working with boozy Uncle Charlie. Sheen claimed he’s “never been drunk [and] never been high on the set once,” though he has been so hung-over he asked the director to let him lean on a piece of furniture to keep from keeling over on camera. We hope no one told poor Angus why all of the end tables are reinforced with extra legs. Or why the crew has to shampoo the carpets so often.
In his quest to help youngsters not become him, Charlie Sheen has advice for Lindsay Lohan. “Work on your impulse control,” Charlie warned the actress. “Just try to think things through a little bit before you do them.” Sit back, take a big sip of chocolate milk, and stare at a picture of Charlie Sheen in his twenties; that’ll make you reconsider your life choices, Lindsay. As for Two And A Half Men creator Chuck Lorre’s jokes about Sheen, the actor’s manager Mark Burg claims Charlie laughed at Lorre’s vanity cards. “Charlie…thought it was funny,” Burg told the New York Daily News. “The direct quote was, ‘That’s great. There’s not a chance he outlives me!'” That’s exactly the kind of optimism we expect from our Charlie. Deluded, deluded optimism.