by (@hallekiefer)

Darren Aronofsky Jokes About Peeing In George Clooney’s Chair

We love it when celebrities do exactly what we would do at a fancy event, i.e. loudly joke about wetting themselves. At the opening of the Venice Film Festival yesterday, director Darren Aronofsky joked with George Clooney about the bladder malfunction he had in Clooney’s exact chair last year. “Let’s just say you should be happy this building has been refurbished,” joked festival judge Aronofsky. “I peed in my pants.” We imagine the 12-piece orchestra screeched to a halt as soon as he got to the word “pants.” The red carpet must have been littered with broken monocles.

Clooney  happened to be occupying the seat of honor as director of his new film The Ides of March, the same chair Aronofsky had claimed as director of Black Swan last summer. Continued Aronfsky, “But they say the place has been redone, so I guess any humidity you feel there is your own.” How dare you, sir! If the seat of anyone’s tuxedo is wet, you can be sure it is just splash back from George Clooney’s boating adventures! And, okay, maybe just the smallest amount of pee. Those boats go startlingly fast!

by (@hallekiefer)

Darren Aronofsky Wants Christian Bale Aboard Noah’s Ark

If you want to go dark, there’s really only one brooding, bearded ball of dramatic angst you can call. Having proviously announced his edgy cinematic take on the fable of Noah’s ark, allegedly director Darren Aronofsky wants Christian Bale to brave the flood and wrangle giraffes in his planned $130 million epic. Vulture alleges that Aronofksy will likely take a prominent star like Bale in order to get the necessary funding from Paramount, Summit, and Fox, the studios that are currently considering providing funding. After all, ostriches are not cheap; we should know.  The Dark Knight Rises star has one other film in production through 2013 entitled The Last Photograph before he would be available. You know, we never imagined Noah as having that Batman snarl in our heads, but we can definitely get on-board with that.

by (@hallekiefer)

Darren Aronofsky Plans Dark, Edgy Noah’s Ark Movie

We already let Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky ruin leotards for us, and now he’s going ahead and taking our children’s Bible stories too. Deadline reports that Darren Aronofsky’s Noah’s Ark movie will be an “edgy re-telling” of the biblical tale most of us learned via wooden puzzle or soft book. We guess if Kristen Stewart’s Snow White movie can turn one part of childhood into a creepy nightmare fantasy epic, then why not everything else?

To be fair, however, there are plenty of dark, salacious moments associated with Noah’s animal-packed craft: drowning and drunken nakedness, anyone? Let’s not even get into how completely stinky you know that ark must have been. Aronofsky reportedly wants $130 million to make the film, which will be based on his own script, and is currently approaching studios to get backing. If that man can make us cringe at the sight of a sparkly pink birthday cake and like it, he can no doubt make us enjoy a terrifying ride on a creepy boat. Think of all the snakes they must have had on-board!

by (@hallekiefer)

Pharrell’s Hotness Stars In Darren Aronofsky-Directed Commerical

Oh, we’re sorry, what is this ad even for? We literally remember nothing from Pharrell Williams Revlon commercial, except for the mind-blowing hotness that was the N.E.R.D. singer acting love-struck in a three-piece suit. The Darren Aronofsky-directed commercial has a bit of the director’s Black Swan shadows-and-many-mirrors glamor, but with more Pharrell where the grotesque toenail removal would be. Of course Jessica Biel also appears in it and looks fabulous and yadda yadda yadda our brains immediately erased her and added our own gleeful, screaming faces. Pharrell also penned the jingle, so when he sings the word “plump,” you know he’s secretly name-checking us. Oh, it was a spot for mascara? Sure, we’ll buy that. We’ll buy a used garbage truck and park it in our living room if it meant we could see more of this hotness on our TV.

by (@hallekiefer)

Natalie Portman Thanks Darren Aronofsky For Making Her Fat

There was plenty of thanksgiving tonight when Natalie Portman win Best Actress at the Critics’ Choice Movie Awards, but a lot of it had more to do with Natalie’s ballooning waistline than with her amazing performance in Black Swan. Portman won the award over a group of stellar performers, including The Kids Are Alright’s Annette Benning, Rabbit Hole’s Nicole Kidman, Blue Valentine’s Michelle Williams, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’s Noomi Rapace, and Winter’s Bone Jennifer Lawrence. The glowing Portman thanked her fellow nominees, but saved a special acknowledgment for Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky. “I met you 10 years ago in a HoJo in Times Square. You were classy then, you’re keeping it classy now,” Portman teased.

Elegant or not, the actress praised her boss for helping her move up unto a new pant size.  “I keep telling Darren, you made me very skinny and now you’re indirectly responsible for making me fat, since you introduced me to my love Benjamin Millepied,” Natalie joked. Luckily Darren’s not directly responsible, or Portman would have a lot of awkward explaining on her hands.

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by (@missmuttoo)

Rachel Weisz And Darren Aronofsky Split, Because Hot Actresses And Nerdy Directors Just Don’t Mix

TMZ reports that Darren Aronofsky and Rachel Weisz have split after nine years together. They add to the slew of celebrity couples breaking up over the last month, with Kellan Lutz and AnnaLynne McCord, Carey Mulligan and Shia LeBoeuf, Blake Lively and Penn Badgely and David Arquette and Courteney Cox all going their separate ways. What’s in the water, Hollywood?

These two were quite the quiet power couple, even if they never actually married. Aronofsky is a lauded director with The Wrestler and Requiem for a Dream under his belt. Weisz, on the other hand, has both blockbusters (The Mummy) and critically acclaimed work (The Constant Gardner and The Fountain) to her name.

There’s no real word on why they broke up but their people have a released a statement saying, “Rachel Weisz and Darren Aronofsky have been separated for some months. They remain close friends and are committed to raising their son together in NYC.” On the salacious side of things, sources report that Weisz and Daniel Craig have something going on, and have been for months. Whether that’s true or false remains to be seen, but it sure is hot to think about!