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April 2nd, 2010 | 3:00 pm by Lauren Olson (Deiman)

TIME‘s Most Influential Poll Proves The End Of Times Is Near

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With April Fool’s Day behind us, we’re forced to believe that what’s going down on TIME magazine’s website is not a joke. The polls for their annual “100 Most Influential” competition opened yesterday morning, revealing the world’s perceived heavyweights in politics, technology, and entertainment. After 24 hours of voting, we have reasons to fear the final days of humanity are approaching. Here’s why:

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Jersey Shore‘s Snooki not only made the list, but is currently ranked at #61, beating out Olympic gold medalist Lindsey Vonn, AIDS philanthropist and musician Elton John, and comedic genius Kristen Wiig. By the way, is “the poof” trending? God, we hope not. Aerosol emissions will kill us all by 2011.

More causes for concern after the jump. Read more…

December 22nd, 2009 | 12:07 pm by Lauren Olson (Deiman)

9 Celebrity Losers To Leave Behind In ’09

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In 2009, a lot of ordinary people became famous for next-to-nothing, previously A-list stars fell from grace, and quasi-celebs made outlandish statements for publicity. From the Balloon Boy stunt to Glenn Beck‘s fear-mongering to Tiger Woods‘ mistresses coming out of the woodwork; some people really tested our patience and wore us thin. Here are the top nine “celebrity” losers we hope go into hiding for 2010.

9. Balloon Boy’s Dad: Think little Falcon Henne had any idea about his fame-guzzlin’ father’s publicity plot while he was chillin’ in a box in their attic? We doubt it, and the little guy’s televised bodily functions pretty well summed up how we felt about the whole stunt after we wasted hours of our lives watching an empty weather balloon float above Colorado.

8. Carrie Prejean: The dethroned Miss USA contestant first ignited a media firestorm with her statement against marriage equality during the Miss USA pageant. Her controversial proclamation was just the tip of the iceberg, as a flurry of nude photos and sex tapes followed over the next several months, as well as an exceptionally awkward appearance on “Larry King Live.”