We know that the Lord supposedly works in mysterious ways, but it seems like Gwyneth Paltrow practically side-swiping you in her $70,000 car would be a little too mysterious even for the Universe to think up. However, according to finance employee Lara Lundstrom Clarke, Gwneth Paltrow saved her life on 9/11 by making her late to her job in one of the Twin Towers. “It was one of those mornings that felt good, you had a little skip in your step. What the heck — I always cut across 7th Avenue. Then all of the sudden a silver Mercedes SUV came barreling down towards me,” Clarke recalls. “I stopped and they screeched to a halt. Then it developed into one of those classic who-goes-first situations. It got ridiculous.” Not quit as ridiculous as the fact that the star of Shakespeare In Love was behind the wheel but, sure, that’s up there.
“OMG it was Gwyneth Paltrow,” Clarke remembers thinking, though by the time she made it across the street she had missed her train, and had to wait for the next one. By the time she arrived at her stop, Clarke says, “I looked up and there was a big gaping hole in the World Trade Center…That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life – my office exploded.” Miraculously only 4 of her 170 coworkers were killed that morning. Wow…we guess we owe it to Paltrow to lay off her for a little while, huh? Thought…have you seen Duets? Okay, you’re right, we’re done.
Okay, yes, we give Gwyneth Paltrow a lot of flack for being a rich skinny actress who subsists on sunshine, flaxseed and a single whole-wheat crostini Mario Bitali prepares for her each day. Don’t even get us started on how Gwyn gained 20 lbs for Country Strong and still had abs you could use to level a picture frame. As much as a macrobiotic diva we paint her out to be (using low-VOC paint, of course), we give P. Trow props for allowing her gruesome sickness face to be used to hype her upcoming epidemic thriller Contagion. It ain’t gonna be pretty.
According to the New York Times, the movie’s ad campaign will “feature, among other things, a gasping, bug-eyed Ms. Paltrow beneath a legend that warns potential moviegoers to steer clear of one another. ‘Don’t talk to anyone,’ the posters say. ‘Don’t touch anyone.’” We doubt her co-star Marion Cotillard would agree to look that awful at 24-feet-across, though we guess Marion doesn’t have Country Strong to erase from the public’s mind. Seriously, Paltrow’s stomach is like granite in that film!
You always had a lurking suspicion that Gwyneth Paltrow would somehow be the death of you, though before today you assumed it would be the result of terminal eye rolling induced by a DVD of Country Strong, rather an unstoppable outbreak of the bird flu. Either way, now you can see your fear play out in real time in the new Contagion trailer, which has Paltrow turning up the sweaty jaundice as the first victim of a global pandemic that the CDC must race to contain. So basically it looks like Outbreak, but with an Academy Award-winning actress instead of a little escaped monkey.
Costarring Matt Damon, Laurence Fishburne, Kate Winslet and Jude Law, the thriller is currently scheduled for release September 9 of this year. Of course, it’s not fair to place all the blame on a diseased Paltrow. As Jude puts it in the trailer, “No one has to weaponize the bird flu. The birds are doing that.” So really the film seems more like The Happening, but with pigeons instead of tress. We warned you: whatever you do, do not let your eyes start rolling. There’s not telling if they can ever be stopped!
The Queen should really watch her back because Beyonce has really been taking over England! She’s made history as Bey is the first woman to headline Glastonbury‘s main stage. Who run the world?! She put up a pretty incredible show but it hasn’t ended there. Beyonce also had a secret show atÃ‚Â O2 Shepherds Bush Empire last night, which served as her new album launch. How very MI6 of them.
Apart from the fabulous Adele and Bey’s husband, Jay-Z, some Glee kids happened to be in the neighborhood and showed up. Chris Colfer, Amber Riley and Kevin McHale. Their Glee guest star Ã‚Â — Gwyneth Paltrow — also joined them. In fact, they probably ended up hanging out together inside as Gwyneth posted a WhoSay message that read, “Look who i ran into just now at B’s secret show! I heart @druiddude”. The cyber-note accompanied a cute candid with Mchale. Not very secret anymore though, is it?
When you spend your days weaving yarn made from your own Angora goats on a hand-made loom, or cooking paella in an antique iron skillet deep within the forest primeval, it can be easy to forget about all the benefits of modern technology. For example…um…being able to immediately complain about the American Idol finale to everyone you know? Luckily Gwyneth Paltrow has finally caught up with our current forms of social media, and she’s diving in, monocle-first. Gwyneth Paltrow’s Twitter so far only has one tweet (as does Gwyneth Paltrow’s Facebook account), but fortunately it contains video of the giddy Paltrow announcing her arrival in the present day. We’re glad that nasty carpal tunnel she picked up while personally writing GOOP with a peacock quill pen and freshly-made cochineal ink has cleared up enough for her to use a keyboard. The Gywneth Paltrow video also claims the actress is attempting to hail a cab, but we’re pretty sure we can hear her ox-drawn cart clip-clopping along off-camera.
A source seems to have an explanation offering, “Gwyneth thought it would be bad for her image to go off on a US tour. She pulled out and Matthew has cancelled a number of his gigs. But he is still planning to come to London in June and they have plans to go out to dinner. She’s not ruling out performing with him in the future.” Her spokesperson has confirmed the story stating, “There are no plans for her to tour with Matthew. There were requests for her to perform at a few events but nothing was ever confirmed.” We still don’t get why it would be “bad for her image”. What image?
The second part of Courtney Love’s interview with The Fix is out, and it has everything: insane tales of her adolescence (“At the time, I was working at a dance hall in Taiwan, trying to earn money, so I could afford an apartment in San Francisco. I was utterly broke, so I was sleeping in a bed with a bunch of Brazilian dancers…I got crabs”), insane tales of Hollywood encounters (“At Ted Demme‘s funeral, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson dared me to walk up to Harvey Weinsten and tell him off”) and insane tales of…well, insanity (“I’ve never been good with numbers, but when I was on crack I could do math really, really well. I became a f—ing whiz at calculus. But I also became kind of psychotic, unfortunately”). Needless to say the entire read is highly recommended.
Our favorite part may be Courtney’s explanation for why she hasn’t cashed in on the reality TV craze. “As Gwyneth [Paltrow] once said to me, ‘Once you’re A-list, you’re always A-list,’ and I try to remember that,” she explained. “I get offers to do a reality shows nearly every day. But I’m not going to put myself out there and whore myself out. I may be a drug addict, but I still have some self-respect.” Granted, she did appear on The Osbournes (remember when Courtney went off on Kelly Osbourne last month?) and star in the 2006 documentary The Return Of Courtney Love, but if she’d rather give the rants and public escapades away for free than save them for TV, we won’t complain.
Gwyneth Paltrow overrating the world’s interest in her extracurricular activities? No. According to Page Six, a record deal for Paltrow with Atlantic Records has fallen through, possibly over how much money she’d have taken home. “Atlantic bosses were very interested,” said their source. “But then the talks halted and the deal fizzled out. There was a rumor that Paltrow wanted $1 million to sign, but that is a ridiculous figure. Atlantic is still interested in signing her.” Says her rep, “[Gwyneth] still has not decided if she wants to record an album…”it is still something she is considering.”
There’s always the possibility that, with a cookbook, a newsletter, two children and…oh yeah, an acting career, Gwynnie simply didn’t want to bother with recording an album unless she was certain to reap a decent payday. After all, the Country Strong soundtrack failed to go gold despite the Oscar nomination, and Paltrow’s singles only scrapped Billboard’s Country Singles chart (her duet with Tim McGraw only hit #35)…while Sara Evans‘ single from the album hit #1. Looks like hardcore GOOPsters will have to settle for Glee-related collaborations and talk show renditions of “Gangsta Gangsta” for the near future.