Heidi Montag has opened up to Life & Style magazine to discuss the ten plastic surgeries she underwent last year. Seems Heidi has discovered what the rest of us knew all along: all that surgery was a terrible idea. Franken-Heidi still has serious scarring and says “Parts of my body definitely look worse than they did pre-surgery. This is not what I signed up for.” The magazine says that she still has several physical blemishes as a result of the surgeries, including “a 2-inch-long blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back. . . and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job.” That sounds awful. But still more pleasant that living with Spencer Pratt. Just sayin’.
Knowing what she knows now about the end result, Heidi regrets what she’s done, saying “People have fewer scars from accidents than I have on my body. I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back.” If we were manning the controls of that time machine, we’d go back even further so we could intervene during her meeting with Spencer. Can you imagine a world without Speidi? It would be like the new version of It’s A Wonderful Life, except that things would be so much better without them together.
[Photo: Life & Style]
Heidi Montag may be too broke to hire bodyguards, but she’s not letting that get her down! Our favorite bionic woman is now learning to kick ass on her own. The former reality show star is training to become a black belt in Wing Tsun, an ancient Chinese martial art. “The system is geared towards straight self defense,” says her trainer Michael Casey, “There are no rules. Punches, kicks, knees, elbows, ground fighting, strikes to vital areas. Anything goes as the goal of the system is to stop an opponent.” No rules? Well that should make it easier. RadarOnline has posted a video of her progress, and believe us, this clip does not disappoint.
Ever since filing for bankruptcy last month, Heidi and husband Spencer Pratt have had to cut spending, including their expensive security entourage. “I have had to change my life,” she says. “I can’t afford to go out to the clubs anymore because the sort of protection I need can cost anywhere from 5 to 10 thousand dollars a night…when you travel it’s even worse… That is actually where all my money went, because safety is number one.” That’s where all the money went, guys! Not boobs, crystals or Spencer’s crazy schemes, but safety! Mystery solved.
Oh my god. Suddenly it all makes sense. We take it all back. The blow-up doll comments, the beach ball boobs slams and thatÃ‚Â time we laughed when her face fell off. It turns out, Heidi Montag did it all for love. At least that’s what her doctor’s “close friend” is blabbing to Radar Online. According to the site, Heidi had a hopeless crush on her late plastic surgeon Frank Ryan, who died in a car accident this August. The revelation comes just days after the former Hills star accused Dr. Ryan of misleading her into getting ten surgeries in one day. Maybe all she wanted was one magical day with Dr. Ryan….*swoon*
“I believe she had a crush on him,” Dr. Ryan’s friend Dawn DaLuise said in an interview to Radar.Ã‚Â “I believe she was romantically obsessed with him… she saw him as a night in shining armor.” DaLuise also challenges Heidi’s claim that Dr. Ryan wanted her to be his personal Barbie Doll. According to her, it was the other way around.Ã‚Â “He sent texts and emails to friends saying that she wanted to be a Barbie, she wanted to look exactly like a Barbie. He presented why he didn’t think it was a good idea.”
This raises the age old question: did she love him because of his plastic surgery skills, or did she get plastic surgery because she loved him? Or is this all crap? It’s probably that last one. But let’s pretend it’s not. Suddenly Heidi’s terrifying body transformation seems like a charming romantic comedy come to life! Sort of.
It’s a classic: Heidi was too shy (and too married) to ask him out, so she kept making other excuses to see him. A boob job here, a tummy tuck there. He won’t suspect anything. But after the anesthesia knocked her out, Heidi’s dreams were filled with visions of Dr. Frank.Ã‚Â Maybe that whole divorce with Spencer was real after all, and she was going to leave him for Dr. Ryan. Didn’t they reunite right after the doctor’s untimely death?
We have done it. We have cracked The Speidi Code. Or maybe there’s a simpler answer.
With Heidi Montag‘s marriage to Spencer Pratt renewed and no longer a news angle, everyone’s favorite Frankenstein is once more repenting for her cosmetic crimes. “I wouldn’t do it again,” she told Entertainment Tonight about the 10 surgical enhancements she enjoyed earlier this year. Heidi says she regrets her supermega-boobs (technical term) the most, ironic considering she scoured Europe to find someone willing to give her an even ampler bosom last May. “It’s impossible to work out with these boobs,” Heidi said between sobs in August.
As the dead can’t talk back, Heidi’s blaming her late enabler, Dr. Frank Ryan, whom she called “the most amazing person I have ever known…an angel” when he died in August (a week before she announced it was impossible to work out with those boobs), for her poor choices. “It was a lot harder than I was led on by my doctor…I didn’t know how excessive it really was.” Guess she still hasn’t forgive Ryan for taking the secrets of her giganta-gazangas (again, these are technical terms) with him on his ill-fated, tweet-tainted final drive.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Wanna see a Speidi Sex Tape? No? Well that’s good, because you can’t. But the next best (or is it “worst?”) thing may be hitting back-room shelves very soon. Vivid Entertainment has reportedly approached Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag to direct their own line of pornographic videos. Which is good, because their own perfume line would just be too tasteful.
TMZ has obtained a letter sent to the couple from Steven Hirsch, the head of the adult film production company. Do you recognize that name? You should, because that’s the same brain pushing for a Kanye West-Taylor Swift inspired porn parody. Now he wants Spencer and Heidi to “explore [their] wildest fantasies” on film. This guy is on a roll. We’d shake his hand, but we don’t know where it’s been.
“We are offering you the chance to direct, as a couple, a series of explicit, XXX features for Vivid entitled Spencer and Heidi…Beyond Our Wildest Dreams,” he writes in the letter. “The fantasies will be yours…We believe that your ability to keep a relationship exciting and fresh-which you must surely bring to the bedroom…will yield an exciting new line of features as unexpected and as erotic as your fans know you to be.”
Dude, don’t be so fawning. If they’re as broke as they say, they’d probably do it for a couple bags of energy crystals. Besides, Speidi’s idea of keeping a relationship “exciting” seems so much more like “petty attention-grabbing trickery” to us. Sounds like these are going to be like skin flicks directed by N. Night Shyamalan. Whoa, crazy twist: she was a blowup doll all along!
[Photo: Splash News Online]
We don’t know what to believe with these two anymore, because really, how much more fake can fake get? The Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’sÃ‚Â divorce: fake. Heidi’s body: fake. The fact that Spencer is a human being: fake. Do you see what we’re getting at?
The question at hand now: is Speidi really broke? If, and that’s a big if, reports are correct, then the couple owes about $2 million in back taxes. Probably because Spencer was too busy buying every crystal on the planet. (Remember Spencer’s crystal phase? We wish we didn’t.) And if they’re bankrupt, then this news should be a life saver for them. And… for us (cue parade music).
A betting website called YouWager.com have offered Heidi and Spencer $100,000 to “manage the odds and lines surrounding the entertainment sector – ranging from celebrity news and pop culture to music and movies.” Which means they would actually have to work, and apparently, Spencer’s considering the offer. We’d like to offer assistance with anything that would help them say yes.
The piece de resistance? They would have to move to Costa Rica for awhile. Speidi… TAKE.THE.JOB. Take the damn job.
In news that will only shock and scandalize the grandmas of the world, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag admit they faked divorce proceedings in the hope of getting a British reality show. The couple’s decision to fake-destroy man’s most sacred bond corresponded conveniently with an offer from British TV network ITV to cover the split, prompting them to move to Costa Rica, ostensibly so they could shoot scenes without passerbys constantly booing them. Says Spencer, “The divorce was real – just the idea behind it was different than most people’s.” These two can get married and gay couples can’t, everybody. Think about that next time you vote.
Unfortunately for…well, no one actually, the TV offer fell apart and Speidi were stuck with their dumb ol’ functional relationship…and not much else. Explained Spencer, “Divorcing was the only way to keep Heidi’s career going because everyone hated me so much. Look at Sandra Bullock – her divorce from Jesse James was the best thing to happen to her image.” Right, it wasn’t the years of popularity, dozens of films or the OSCAR FOR BEST ACTRESS that boosted her image; it was her husband screwing around with a neo-Nazi nudie model. The difference between Sandra and Heidi, however, is that Bullock eventually dumped the scumbag. Something to think about, both of you. Something to think about, America.
Well, they faked divorce papers, we’re sure they can fake this too. The elaborate performance piece that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag call their marriage has shifted into a new scene, and this one involves bankruptcy. According to Life and Style, the former Hills stars have blown $10 million, and now owe $2 million in back taxes. They are currently homeless and in talks with financial attorneys (or at least a guy hired to play one).
“We were immature, worrying too much about the famous part instead of the actual business part,” Spencer told Life & Style, earning him the world record for the longest time it took for someone to get a clue. “In hindsight, we shouldn’t have spent any of our money. We should have been low-key and saved.”
Instead they splurged on a $35,000-a-month love nest, six cars, private jets, magic crystals, and making Heidi’s breasts big enough to be recognized by the UN as an independent nation. Now the couple are holed up in Spencer’s parent’s house to plan their next move. Heidi was even considering appearing fully nude in Playboy, but chose not to at the request of the Pratt family.
According to Spencer, their problems -like so many in this world- are because of Jersey Shore. “We thought The Hills was going to be like 90210 and we’d have another five to 10 years. The ratings were consistent. But we never saw Jersey Shore coming. Before, TV audiences were fine with seeing us all argue, but now they want you to punch one another in the face and hook up with three different people. Our cast was a bit boring and snoozeworthy in comparison. No wonder we got canceled.”
But Spencer mans up and takes his share of the responsibility.Ã‚Â “We don’t want sympathy. We did this to ourselves and feel like idiots. But we’ve grown up and are definitely not as naive anymore.” Honestly, Ã‚Â there’s so much drama around these two we don’t know what’s real anymore.Ã‚Â Is it possible for a marriage to jump the shark? Because we think it just did.
Are you worried that Heidi Montag’s new music video won’t be slutty enough? Well don’t worry, because she’s doing her research to ensure that it will be a skanky supernova! “Going to Hustler strip club, want to pick up some tips for my music video Ill do that I am shooting next week,” our favorite bionic woman tweeted while in Las Vegas last Sunday.
After several months away from the spotlight, Heidi and professional mega-tool/husband Spencer Pratt surfaced this Halloween with the other terrifying creatures. In fact, the couple didn’t even feel the need to wear spooky costumes. Plastic surgery did the job just fine for Heidi, and Spencer is pretty scary as it is.
It seems like Heidi needs all the help she can get in order to launch her pop career off the ground. Her first album, Superficial, sold less than 700 copies in the first week of release. And we aren’t even sure how many of those were bought by Spencer. Maybe Heidi should cruise the strip for some singing tips after she hits up the Hustler Club. Cher’s still at Caesar’s Palace, right? Or at least she could catch an Elvis impersonator.
[Photo: Splash News Online]