Through the years of Heidi Montag and by proxy, Spencer Pratt, we’ve gone from facepalming, to pulling our hair out, to feeling nothing. Thisprobably gets them to act even more insane than usual because they’re not getting the attention. Well, congratulations, guys, because you got it back. Because when Heidi Montag accused Jennifer Aniston of banning her from the Just Go With It premiere on Tuesday, we couldn’t help but burst out laughing. She had shot her mouth off saying, “I’m so upset. I was so excited! This is the first movie I’ve ever been in and I can’t walk the red carpet because Jennifer Aniston decided I was ‘too polarizing’.”Ã‚Â We can’t help being rude (we’re lying, ’cause in Heidi’s case, we can) but the fact that Frankenheidi thought that she was a blip on Jen’s radar is truly hysterical.
Aniston’s people were forced to comment on the issue, and much to Heidi’s chagrin, brought Sony in, saying that Miss Montag had not responded to the company’s RSVP. So now Heidi’s realized she’s probably pissed off people she really shouldn’t have.Ã‚Â Is anyone surprised she’s backtracking like crazy now? Because Heidi’s wailing, “I read that Jennifer had banned me from the premiere for being too polarizing, but I know now that it wasn’t true.It never really made sense to me because Jennifer is such a sweetheart and she even commented before on a red carpet about how interesting and fun it was to have me in the movie.” Heidi’s banking on the fact that, “It was all a big misunderstanding.”
And here’s the best part. After making all that fuss about not being allowed on the carpet, her excuse for not turning up finally was, “I got my invite and I would have loved to be there, but I had to be in Los Angeles with my dogs.” Do you hear that sound? It’s people chasing Heidi out of Hollywood with pitchforks.
Most people know enough not to bite the hand that feeds them; apparently no one told Heidi Montag you shouldn’t bad-mouth the hand to US Weekly either. According to Heidi Montag, Jennifer Aniston banned her from the Just Go With It premiere on Tuesday. “I’m so upset,” Heidi complained. “I was so excited! This is the first movie I’ve ever been in and I can’t walk the red carpet because Jennifer Aniston decided I was ‘too polarizing.’” Montag claims producers brokered a deal to keep her away from the movie’s other promotional events, but it was Aniston herself who kept Heidi from the premiere. However, Aniston’s reps have denied Heidi’s claims, telling Celebuzz, “We do not have anything to do with who gets invited, but besides that, Sony did invite Heidi to the premiere and did not get an rsvp from her.” How long do you think it’ll be before she realizes she’s going to regret blabbing to the press about her A-list co-stars? Sometimes we wonder about that woman. Well, all the time really.
Montag shot her cameo in Just Go With It last spring, when photos of Heidi in hot shorts flooded our brains. Even though she couldn’t rub elbows with the beautiful people at Tuesday’s premiere, Montag still wants us to see her first feature film. “See me with Adam Sandler & Jennifer Aniston in “Just Go With It!” this Friday! Check out the trailer!” Heidi tweeted Monday. Well, let’s hope Heidi’s bid to get on Real Housewives pans out; it might be the only career option girl has left.
Just when you thought their time in the spotlight had come to a beautiful end, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are finding new ways to turn the cameras on themselves yet again. Radar Online announced that Montag is in talks to appear on The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills next season. Spencer told Radar he’s hoping they’d both get air time and says “We would move to Beverly Hills in a heartbeat. We would be psyched if this happened for us.” The show will have a blonde hole to fill (ew) since it was announced that Camille Grammer will not be returning to the series, and Montag is meeting with producers this week to discuss her possibilities.
As much as we wish this pair would fade into oblivion, you just know they would boost the ratings of this show, which makes us nervous that this will actually happen. Heidi has to pay off their debts and Spencer’s crystal collection somehow.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Heidi Montag has opened up to Life & Style magazine to discuss the ten plastic surgeries she underwent last year. Seems Heidi has discovered what the rest of us knew all along: all that surgery was a terrible idea. Franken-Heidi still has serious scarring and says “Parts of my body definitely look worse than they did pre-surgery. This is not what I signed up for.” The magazine says that she still has several physical blemishes as a result of the surgeries, including “a 2-inch-long blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back. . . and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job.” That sounds awful. But still more pleasant that living with Spencer Pratt. Just sayin’.
Knowing what she knows now about the end result, Heidi regrets what she’s done, saying “People have fewer scars from accidents than I have on my body. I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back.” If we were manning the controls of that time machine, we’d go back even further so we could intervene during her meeting with Spencer. Can you imagine a world without Speidi? It would be like the new version of It’s A Wonderful Life, except that things would be so much better without them together.
[Photo: Life & Style]
Heidi Montag may be too broke to hire bodyguards, but she’s not letting that get her down! Our favorite bionic woman is now learning to kick ass on her own. The former reality show star is training to become a black belt in Wing Tsun, an ancient Chinese martial art. “The system is geared towards straight self defense,” says her trainer Michael Casey, “There are no rules. Punches, kicks, knees, elbows, ground fighting, strikes to vital areas. Anything goes as the goal of the system is to stop an opponent.” No rules? Well that should make it easier. RadarOnline has posted a video of her progress, and believe us, this clip does not disappoint.
Ever since filing for bankruptcy last month, Heidi and husband Spencer Pratt have had to cut spending, including their expensive security entourage. “I have had to change my life,” she says. “I can’t afford to go out to the clubs anymore because the sort of protection I need can cost anywhere from 5 to 10 thousand dollars a night…when you travel it’s even worse… That is actually where all my money went, because safety is number one.” That’s where all the money went, guys! Not boobs, crystals or Spencer’s crazy schemes, but safety! Mystery solved.
Oh my god. Suddenly it all makes sense. We take it all back. The blow-up doll comments, the beach ball boobs slams and thatÃ‚Â time we laughed when her face fell off. It turns out, Heidi Montag did it all for love. At least that’s what her doctor’s “close friend” is blabbing to Radar Online. According to the site, Heidi had a hopeless crush on her late plastic surgeon Frank Ryan, who died in a car accident this August. The revelation comes just days after the former Hills star accused Dr. Ryan of misleading her into getting ten surgeries in one day. Maybe all she wanted was one magical day with Dr. Ryan….*swoon*
“I believe she had a crush on him,” Dr. Ryan’s friend Dawn DaLuise said in an interview to Radar.Ã‚Â “I believe she was romantically obsessed with him… she saw him as a night in shining armor.” DaLuise also challenges Heidi’s claim that Dr. Ryan wanted her to be his personal Barbie Doll. According to her, it was the other way around.Ã‚Â “He sent texts and emails to friends saying that she wanted to be a Barbie, she wanted to look exactly like a Barbie. He presented why he didn’t think it was a good idea.”
This raises the age old question: did she love him because of his plastic surgery skills, or did she get plastic surgery because she loved him? Or is this all crap? It’s probably that last one. But let’s pretend it’s not. Suddenly Heidi’s terrifying body transformation seems like a charming romantic comedy come to life! Sort of.
It’s a classic: Heidi was too shy (and too married) to ask him out, so she kept making other excuses to see him. A boob job here, a tummy tuck there. He won’t suspect anything. But after the anesthesia knocked her out, Heidi’s dreams were filled with visions of Dr. Frank.Ã‚Â Maybe that whole divorce with Spencer was real after all, and she was going to leave him for Dr. Ryan. Didn’t they reunite right after the doctor’s untimely death?
We have done it. We have cracked The Speidi Code. Or maybe there’s a simpler answer.
With Heidi Montag‘s marriage to Spencer Pratt renewed and no longer a news angle, everyone’s favorite Frankenstein is once more repenting for her cosmetic crimes. “I wouldn’t do it again,” she told Entertainment Tonight about the 10 surgical enhancements she enjoyed earlier this year. Heidi says she regrets her supermega-boobs (technical term) the most, ironic considering she scoured Europe to find someone willing to give her an even ampler bosom last May. “It’s impossible to work out with these boobs,” Heidi said between sobs in August.
As the dead can’t talk back, Heidi’s blaming her late enabler, Dr. Frank Ryan, whom she called “the most amazing person I have ever known…an angel” when he died in August (a week before she announced it was impossible to work out with those boobs), for her poor choices. “It was a lot harder than I was led on by my doctor…I didn’t know how excessive it really was.” Guess she still hasn’t forgive Ryan for taking the secrets of her giganta-gazangas (again, these are technical terms) with him on his ill-fated, tweet-tainted final drive.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Wanna see a Speidi Sex Tape? No? Well that’s good, because you can’t. But the next best (or is it “worst?”) thing may be hitting back-room shelves very soon. Vivid Entertainment has reportedly approached Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag to direct their own line of pornographic videos. Which is good, because their own perfume line would just be too tasteful.
TMZ has obtained a letter sent to the couple from Steven Hirsch, the head of the adult film production company. Do you recognize that name? You should, because that’s the same brain pushing for a Kanye West-Taylor Swift inspired porn parody. Now he wants Spencer and Heidi to “explore [their] wildest fantasies” on film. This guy is on a roll. We’d shake his hand, but we don’t know where it’s been.
“We are offering you the chance to direct, as a couple, a series of explicit, XXX features for Vivid entitled Spencer and Heidi…Beyond Our Wildest Dreams,” he writes in the letter. “The fantasies will be yours…We believe that your ability to keep a relationship exciting and fresh-which you must surely bring to the bedroom…will yield an exciting new line of features as unexpected and as erotic as your fans know you to be.”
Dude, don’t be so fawning. If they’re as broke as they say, they’d probably do it for a couple bags of energy crystals. Besides, Speidi’s idea of keeping a relationship “exciting” seems so much more like “petty attention-grabbing trickery” to us. Sounds like these are going to be like skin flicks directed by N. Night Shyamalan. Whoa, crazy twist: she was a blowup doll all along!
[Photo: Splash News Online]
We don’t know what to believe with these two anymore, because really, how much more fake can fake get? The Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’sÃ‚Â divorce: fake. Heidi’s body: fake. The fact that Spencer is a human being: fake. Do you see what we’re getting at?
The question at hand now: is Speidi really broke? If, and that’s a big if, reports are correct, then the couple owes about $2 million in back taxes. Probably because Spencer was too busy buying every crystal on the planet. (Remember Spencer’s crystal phase? We wish we didn’t.) And if they’re bankrupt, then this news should be a life saver for them. And… for us (cue parade music).
A betting website called YouWager.com have offered Heidi and Spencer $100,000 to “manage the odds and lines surrounding the entertainment sector – ranging from celebrity news and pop culture to music and movies.” Which means they would actually have to work, and apparently, Spencer’s considering the offer. We’d like to offer assistance with anything that would help them say yes.
The piece de resistance? They would have to move to Costa Rica for awhile. Speidi… TAKE.THE.JOB. Take the damn job.