With Heidi Montag‘s marriage to Spencer Pratt renewed and no longer a news angle, everyone’s favorite Frankenstein is once more repenting for her cosmetic crimes. “I wouldn’t do it again,” she told Entertainment Tonight about the 10 surgical enhancements she enjoyed earlier this year. Heidi says she regrets her supermega-boobs (technical term) the most, ironic considering she scoured Europe to find someone willing to give her an even ampler bosom last May. “It’s impossible to work out with these boobs,” Heidi said between sobs in August.
As the dead can’t talk back, Heidi’s blaming her late enabler, Dr. Frank Ryan, whom she called “the most amazing person I have ever known…an angel” when he died in August (a week before she announced it was impossible to work out with those boobs), for her poor choices. “It was a lot harder than I was led on by my doctor…I didn’t know how excessive it really was.” Guess she still hasn’t forgive Ryan for taking the secrets of her giganta-gazangas (again, these are technical terms) with him on his ill-fated, tweet-tainted final drive.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Wanna see a Speidi Sex Tape? No? Well that’s good, because you can’t. But the next best (or is it “worst?”) thing may be hitting back-room shelves very soon. Vivid Entertainment has reportedly approached Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag to direct their own line of pornographic videos. Which is good, because their own perfume line would just be too tasteful.
TMZ has obtained a letter sent to the couple from Steven Hirsch, the head of the adult film production company. Do you recognize that name? You should, because that’s the same brain pushing for a Kanye West-Taylor Swift inspired porn parody. Now he wants Spencer and Heidi to “explore [their] wildest fantasies” on film. This guy is on a roll. We’d shake his hand, but we don’t know where it’s been.
“We are offering you the chance to direct, as a couple, a series of explicit, XXX features for Vivid entitled Spencer and Heidi…Beyond Our Wildest Dreams,” he writes in the letter. “The fantasies will be yours…We believe that your ability to keep a relationship exciting and fresh-which you must surely bring to the bedroom…will yield an exciting new line of features as unexpected and as erotic as your fans know you to be.”
Dude, don’t be so fawning. If they’re as broke as they say, they’d probably do it for a couple bags of energy crystals. Besides, Speidi’s idea of keeping a relationship “exciting” seems so much more like “petty attention-grabbing trickery” to us. Sounds like these are going to be like skin flicks directed by N. Night Shyamalan. Whoa, crazy twist: she was a blowup doll all along!
[Photo: Splash News Online]
We don’t know what to believe with these two anymore, because really, how much more fake can fake get? The Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’sÃ‚Â divorce: fake. Heidi’s body: fake. The fact that Spencer is a human being: fake. Do you see what we’re getting at?
The question at hand now: is Speidi really broke? If, and that’s a big if, reports are correct, then the couple owes about $2 million in back taxes. Probably because Spencer was too busy buying every crystal on the planet. (Remember Spencer’s crystal phase? We wish we didn’t.) And if they’re bankrupt, then this news should be a life saver for them. And… for us (cue parade music).
A betting website called YouWager.com have offered Heidi and Spencer $100,000 to “manage the odds and lines surrounding the entertainment sector – ranging from celebrity news and pop culture to music and movies.” Which means they would actually have to work, and apparently, Spencer’s considering the offer. We’d like to offer assistance with anything that would help them say yes.
The piece de resistance? They would have to move to Costa Rica for awhile. Speidi… TAKE.THE.JOB. Take the damn job.
In news that will only shock and scandalize the grandmas of the world, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag admit they faked divorce proceedings in the hope of getting a British reality show. The couple’s decision to fake-destroy man’s most sacred bond corresponded conveniently with an offer from British TV network ITV to cover the split, prompting them to move to Costa Rica, ostensibly so they could shoot scenes without passerbys constantly booing them. Says Spencer, “The divorce was real – just the idea behind it was different than most people’s.” These two can get married and gay couples can’t, everybody. Think about that next time you vote.
Unfortunately for…well, no one actually, the TV offer fell apart and Speidi were stuck with their dumb ol’ functional relationship…and not much else. Explained Spencer, “Divorcing was the only way to keep Heidi’s career going because everyone hated me so much. Look at Sandra Bullock – her divorce from Jesse James was the best thing to happen to her image.” Right, it wasn’t the years of popularity, dozens of films or the OSCAR FOR BEST ACTRESS that boosted her image; it was her husband screwing around with a neo-Nazi nudie model. The difference between Sandra and Heidi, however, is that Bullock eventually dumped the scumbag. Something to think about, both of you. Something to think about, America.
Well, they faked divorce papers, we’re sure they can fake this too. The elaborate performance piece that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag call their marriage has shifted into a new scene, and this one involves bankruptcy. According to Life and Style, the former Hills stars have blown $10 million, and now owe $2 million in back taxes. They are currently homeless and in talks with financial attorneys (or at least a guy hired to play one).
“We were immature, worrying too much about the famous part instead of the actual business part,” Spencer told Life & Style, earning him the world record for the longest time it took for someone to get a clue. “In hindsight, we shouldn’t have spent any of our money. We should have been low-key and saved.”
Instead they splurged on a $35,000-a-month love nest, six cars, private jets, magic crystals, and making Heidi’s breasts big enough to be recognized by the UN as an independent nation. Now the couple are holed up in Spencer’s parent’s house to plan their next move. Heidi was even considering appearing fully nude in Playboy, but chose not to at the request of the Pratt family.
According to Spencer, their problems -like so many in this world- are because of Jersey Shore. “We thought The Hills was going to be like 90210 and we’d have another five to 10 years. The ratings were consistent. But we never saw Jersey Shore coming. Before, TV audiences were fine with seeing us all argue, but now they want you to punch one another in the face and hook up with three different people. Our cast was a bit boring and snoozeworthy in comparison. No wonder we got canceled.”
But Spencer mans up and takes his share of the responsibility.Ã‚Â “We don’t want sympathy. We did this to ourselves and feel like idiots. But we’ve grown up and are definitely not as naive anymore.” Honestly, Ã‚Â there’s so much drama around these two we don’t know what’s real anymore.Ã‚Â Is it possible for a marriage to jump the shark? Because we think it just did.
Are you worried that Heidi Montag’s new music video won’t be slutty enough? Well don’t worry, because she’s doing her research to ensure that it will be a skanky supernova! “Going to Hustler strip club, want to pick up some tips for my music video Ill do that I am shooting next week,” our favorite bionic woman tweeted while in Las Vegas last Sunday.
After several months away from the spotlight, Heidi and professional mega-tool/husband Spencer Pratt surfaced this Halloween with the other terrifying creatures. In fact, the couple didn’t even feel the need to wear spooky costumes. Plastic surgery did the job just fine for Heidi, and Spencer is pretty scary as it is.
It seems like Heidi needs all the help she can get in order to launch her pop career off the ground. Her first album, Superficial, sold less than 700 copies in the first week of release. And we aren’t even sure how many of those were bought by Spencer. Maybe Heidi should cruise the strip for some singing tips after she hits up the Hustler Club. Cher’s still at Caesar’s Palace, right? Or at least she could catch an Elvis impersonator.
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Oh look, a couple of Halloweiners! Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are back, peeps, in full force. We were hoping and praying that they would go on an extended vacation, back to Costa Rica, or something, but no such luck. Because Speidi emerged, most aptly, on the spookiest night of them all, Halloween.
The pair showed up together in – where else – Las Vegas. Where else could Heidi fame-whore herself out so shamelessly? The washed-up-at-23 reality star dressed up as herself, in all her blow-up doll glory. “I’m Heidi Montag for Halloween. I designed my own dress,” she revealed. Of course, a quote had to be given about the (no) body, as she discussed her relationship with her fake parts, saying, “Um, ups and downs! I’m good. I’m just trying to focus on other things, not focus so much on my body.”
Then Heidi and her husband proceeded to PDA their way down the carpet. Spit it out guys… what ridiculous scheme are you two cooking up now?
*Cue ominous music and evil laughter*
[Photo: Splash News Online]
So, this is happening. Spencer Pratt, now beardless, and Heidi Montag 2.0 are very obviously back together, confirming rumors that their divorce was a sham. Their sanity, however, still remains in question. The pair posed for the most bizarre, crazy-town photo shoot today, most likely for the sole purpose of getting under our skin. Let’s also hope they were also house-hunting, it looks like there are plenty of rocks for them to crawl under on that beach.
[Photos: Splash News Online]
While you’ve been living your life and enjoying your summer, Spencer Pratt has been busy growing his beard to Unabomber lengths and shuttling between California and his new adopted homeland of Costa Rica trying to find himself. Or Jesus. Or anyone who will accept him. This weekend though, Spencer was arrested in Costa Rica for illegal possession of a firearm. Sorry, but for someone with anger issues and a history of instability this seems like bad news. In a statement to TMZ, Spencer explained it was all an honest mistake, in the name of restoring his spirituality. (Who does he think he is, Stephen Baldwin?) Sayeth Spencer:
As part of my spiritual cleansing I’ve spent the last week living alone in the jungle, reflecting on my past transgressions, and working to become a better person. I had to live off the land, and hunt to survive. As I departed the country this morning to continue my spiritual journey, I mistakenly brought my hunting weapons to the airport. It was an honest mistake, and they sent me on my way. On an unrelated note, I’m not allowed in the country anymore — but that’s because of the chicken incident.
As one of our friends used to say “he’s so full of sh*t, his eyes are brown,” it’s so hard to take anything he does seriously. But TMZ indeed confirmed that Pratt was arrested and jailed, but released after handing in his weapon and signing a confession. And everyone collectively has chosen to ignore “the chicken incident” because hahahahawhocares?
Also fishy though, is the fact that a day after his return to California, Spencer reunited with ex-wife Heidi Montag to take part in the Avon Walk For Breast Cancer. Seriously, we know we shouldn’t care but what the hell is it with these two? Is it too much to ask that they just stay divorced? It would make things a lot easier on us. Of course, these two have never made it easy on anyone, why start now?
[Photo: Splash News Online]
What is he up to now? Seriously. Because this isn’t normal. Spencer Pratt has actually apologized for something, thus inverting the very laws of nature as we know them. The recipient of this atonement of sins is his soon to be ex-wife, Heidi Montag, also known as the remorseful life-size inflatable Heidi doll.
Spencer wants Heidi to know that he intends to do some “intense soul-searching” and is looking for “appropriate avenues for my issues.” That’s just the start of it, because Spencer isn’t known to do things halfway. He revealed to People, “Divorce can be a trying, draining, and emotionally devastating experience for all involved. Despite these hardships, most individuals manage to conduct themselves with dignity and maturity. I did not – I failed spectacularly.”
Our jaws have officially dropped. And the next statement threatens to unhinge them almost completely. “I horribly embarrassed the one person that meant the world to me. For my outrageous and infantile behavior, I offer Heidi my most sincere apologies. Over the years, her love, support, and friendship were always given, but never properly cherished. I let her down. She never deserved the pain and anguish I put her through, and although I don’t expect it, I hope in time she’ll be able to forgive me.”
Ok what’s up, for real? You know what, it’s sad that we’ve reached a point that we don’t trust or believe people when they give (seemingly) sincere apologies. It’s even worse not believing for one second that a person is willing to change. But do you blame us, when the person in question is Spencer Pratt – the same person who just two weeks ago was pimping out sex tapes proudly and without an iota of remorse.
Question is, what’s the ulterior motive this time? Another reality show? One big publicity scheme?
[Photo: Getty Images]