Well, they faked divorce papers, we’re sure they can fake this too. The elaborate performance piece that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag call their marriage has shifted into a new scene, and this one involves bankruptcy. According to Life and Style, the former Hills stars have blown $10 million, and now owe $2 million in back taxes. They are currently homeless and in talks with financial attorneys (or at least a guy hired to play one).
“We were immature, worrying too much about the famous part instead of the actual business part,” Spencer told Life & Style, earning him the world record for the longest time it took for someone to get a clue. “In hindsight, we shouldn’t have spent any of our money. We should have been low-key and saved.”
Instead they splurged on a $35,000-a-month love nest, six cars, private jets, magic crystals, and making Heidi’s breasts big enough to be recognized by the UN as an independent nation. Now the couple are holed up in Spencer’s parent’s house to plan their next move. Heidi was even considering appearing fully nude in Playboy, but chose not to at the request of the Pratt family.
According to Spencer, their problems -like so many in this world- are because of Jersey Shore. “We thought The Hills was going to be like 90210 and we’d have another five to 10 years. The ratings were consistent. But we never saw Jersey Shore coming. Before, TV audiences were fine with seeing us all argue, but now they want you to punch one another in the face and hook up with three different people. Our cast was a bit boring and snoozeworthy in comparison. No wonder we got canceled.”
But Spencer mans up and takes his share of the responsibility.Ã‚Â “We don’t want sympathy. We did this to ourselves and feel like idiots. But we’ve grown up and are definitely not as naive anymore.” Honestly, Ã‚Â there’s so much drama around these two we don’t know what’s real anymore.Ã‚Â Is it possible for a marriage to jump the shark? Because we think it just did.
Are you worried that Heidi Montag’s new music video won’t be slutty enough? Well don’t worry, because she’s doing her research to ensure that it will be a skanky supernova! “Going to Hustler strip club, want to pick up some tips for my music video Ill do that I am shooting next week,” our favorite bionic woman tweeted while in Las Vegas last Sunday.
After several months away from the spotlight, Heidi and professional mega-tool/husband Spencer Pratt surfaced this Halloween with the other terrifying creatures. In fact, the couple didn’t even feel the need to wear spooky costumes. Plastic surgery did the job just fine for Heidi, and Spencer is pretty scary as it is.
It seems like Heidi needs all the help she can get in order to launch her pop career off the ground. Her first album, Superficial, sold less than 700 copies in the first week of release. And we aren’t even sure how many of those were bought by Spencer. Maybe Heidi should cruise the strip for some singing tips after she hits up the Hustler Club. Cher’s still at Caesar’s Palace, right? Or at least she could catch an Elvis impersonator.
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Oh look, a couple of Halloweiners! Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are back, peeps, in full force. We were hoping and praying that they would go on an extended vacation, back to Costa Rica, or something, but no such luck. Because Speidi emerged, most aptly, on the spookiest night of them all, Halloween.
The pair showed up together in – where else – Las Vegas. Where else could Heidi fame-whore herself out so shamelessly? The washed-up-at-23 reality star dressed up as herself, in all her blow-up doll glory. “I’m Heidi Montag for Halloween. I designed my own dress,” she revealed. Of course, a quote had to be given about the (no) body, as she discussed her relationship with her fake parts, saying, “Um, ups and downs! I’m good. I’m just trying to focus on other things, not focus so much on my body.”
Then Heidi and her husband proceeded to PDA their way down the carpet. Spit it out guys… what ridiculous scheme are you two cooking up now?
*Cue ominous music and evil laughter*
[Photo: Splash News Online]
So, this is happening. Spencer Pratt, now beardless, and Heidi Montag 2.0 are very obviously back together, confirming rumors that their divorce was a sham. Their sanity, however, still remains in question. The pair posed for the most bizarre, crazy-town photo shoot today, most likely for the sole purpose of getting under our skin. Let’s also hope they were also house-hunting, it looks like there are plenty of rocks for them to crawl under on that beach.
[Photos: Splash News Online]
While you’ve been living your life and enjoying your summer, Spencer Pratt has been busy growing his beard to Unabomber lengths and shuttling between California and his new adopted homeland of Costa Rica trying to find himself. Or Jesus. Or anyone who will accept him. This weekend though, Spencer was arrested in Costa Rica for illegal possession of a firearm. Sorry, but for someone with anger issues and a history of instability this seems like bad news. In a statement to TMZ, Spencer explained it was all an honest mistake, in the name of restoring his spirituality. (Who does he think he is, Stephen Baldwin?) Sayeth Spencer:
As part of my spiritual cleansing I’ve spent the last week living alone in the jungle, reflecting on my past transgressions, and working to become a better person. I had to live off the land, and hunt to survive. As I departed the country this morning to continue my spiritual journey, I mistakenly brought my hunting weapons to the airport. It was an honest mistake, and they sent me on my way. On an unrelated note, I’m not allowed in the country anymore — but that’s because of the chicken incident.
As one of our friends used to say “he’s so full of sh*t, his eyes are brown,” it’s so hard to take anything he does seriously. But TMZ indeed confirmed that Pratt was arrested and jailed, but released after handing in his weapon and signing a confession. And everyone collectively has chosen to ignore “the chicken incident” because hahahahawhocares?
Also fishy though, is the fact that a day after his return to California, Spencer reunited with ex-wife Heidi Montag to take part in the Avon Walk For Breast Cancer. Seriously, we know we shouldn’t care but what the hell is it with these two? Is it too much to ask that they just stay divorced? It would make things a lot easier on us. Of course, these two have never made it easy on anyone, why start now?
[Photo: Splash News Online]
What is he up to now? Seriously. Because this isn’t normal. Spencer Pratt has actually apologized for something, thus inverting the very laws of nature as we know them. The recipient of this atonement of sins is his soon to be ex-wife, Heidi Montag, also known as the remorseful life-size inflatable Heidi doll.
Spencer wants Heidi to know that he intends to do some “intense soul-searching” and is looking for “appropriate avenues for my issues.” That’s just the start of it, because Spencer isn’t known to do things halfway. He revealed to People, “Divorce can be a trying, draining, and emotionally devastating experience for all involved. Despite these hardships, most individuals manage to conduct themselves with dignity and maturity. I did not – I failed spectacularly.”
Our jaws have officially dropped. And the next statement threatens to unhinge them almost completely. “I horribly embarrassed the one person that meant the world to me. For my outrageous and infantile behavior, I offer Heidi my most sincere apologies. Over the years, her love, support, and friendship were always given, but never properly cherished. I let her down. She never deserved the pain and anguish I put her through, and although I don’t expect it, I hope in time she’ll be able to forgive me.”
Ok what’s up, for real? You know what, it’s sad that we’ve reached a point that we don’t trust or believe people when they give (seemingly) sincere apologies. It’s even worse not believing for one second that a person is willing to change. But do you blame us, when the person in question is Spencer Pratt – the same person who just two weeks ago was pimping out sex tapes proudly and without an iota of remorse.
Question is, what’s the ulterior motive this time? Another reality show? One big publicity scheme?
[Photo: Getty Images]
By now it’s no secret that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are in Costa Rica together. The “story” is that they’re trying to work out an agreement about the sex tapes a-hole Pratt supposedly has of them. WHATEVER. It all translates into a desperate attempt in getting the world to give them a negligible amount of attention again.
Heres the deal: Radaronline clicked photos of the Heidi doll frolicking in the waves with surgical tape plastered on her nose. The fact that these photos are supposed to be natural makes us snort through out non-surgically altered noses. Ms Poseur is so playing the camera that it’s like, photo shoot, much? Anyhoo, it got tongues wagging that she had another nose job on the sly, which would have been incredibly hypocritical since Heidi’s been wailing about her various surgeries and how they turned her into an inflatable raft. But since this is Miss Montag, hypocrisy is one of the least offensive charges.
Not so, reveals Heidi to Life & Style. The tape is to keep her nose from going completely out of whack and she’s supposedly, “…Ã‚Â had my nose tape on 24 hours a day since November.Ã‚Â It takes a year for your nose to heal. This is just the first photo that anyone has seen of it.” Well 24/7 apart from filming, is what she admitted. Which means the tape stays on for what… 2.5 seconds a day?
Heidi apparently didn’t use the tape the last time she had a nose job (in 2007) which ruined the shape, and led to her second surgery. And once bitten twice shy (HAH) Heidi isn’t take any chances anymore and is sticking to the post-op plan because, “…Ã‚Â I don’t want my face to fall off like Michael Jackson’s.” Ã‚Â Yes, those words actually came out of her mouth.
Heidi, everyone knows you’d turn that into a reality show, if it ever happened.
Much like her husband and her own lack of self-esteem, now Heidi Montag’s breast implants are ruining her life too. Says Montag about her massive assets, “I feel trapped in my own body. I’m desperate to go back to normal’” a complaint common among people who have had their bodies replaced by plastic mannequin parts.
After her last surgery, Heidi’s future boob job plans included amping up her figure even further from her current insane G-cup, with the goal being to eventually bolt an H to her A- cup frame. Since then Montag has apparently come to realize the downside to having such side show-esque proportions. Says Heidi, “I’m obsessed with fitness but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.”
When Heidi says “heartbreaking,” she means her implants might literally break her heart if she uses a bench press wrong. Says Montag, “I’m downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D.” Just a petite DD, thanks. She doesn’t want to look like a crazy person! We just hope Heidi learned her lesson that bigger doesn’t always mean better; it often means chronic back pain. Oh, and always save the receipt. [Photo: Getty Images]
Spencer Pratt has been the target of a fair amount of vitriol over Twitter recently. Well, more than the usual amount that comes his way. His soon-to-be ex wife, Heidi Montag tweeted an eloquent, “F U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” to him, thanks to the sex tape he’s apparently trying to sell of her and Karissa Shannon. They playmate was far more upfront about her feelings for Mr. Pratt, tweeting, “F**K YOU!!!!”
Spencer isn’t bothered one bit, tweeting Heidi right back with “Seriously? You’re going to start sh*t on twitter?” Uh, first: pot, meet kettle. Second: Spencer is threatening to release a Speidi sex-tape. So, yes, the proverbial sh*t’s going to hit the roof.
As Spencer boasted on Twitter, he, “Promises you the Citizen Kane of sex tapes. Honestly, Orson Wells makes a guest appearance.” This monumental tape apparently has Heidi before and after plastic surgery, writhing away for your viewing pleasure (ewww).
Now, you’re probably asking yourself why Karissa is getting her panties in a twist? It’s because her panties are also involved. Spencer claims he’s found another sex tape featuring Heidi and Karissa getting down. Miss Montag…you DO get around. The playmate can breathe for a few and call off her lawyers because Vivid is rumored to be more interested in the Speidi sex tapes, not so much the girl-on-girl. On another note: that’s quite a diss!
There’s a reason behind Spencer’s evil machinations, apart from him being, well, evil. The first is that Spencer has porn-star ambitions; “I am a wild sexual freak and I love sex”, he says. (We can’t believe we just typed out those words.) The second is that he seems to be using the tape(s) as leverage to convince Heidi to do another reality show with him.
The operative word here is blackmail. BUT. This is Heidi and Spencer, people. We reckon there’s more to this than meets the eye.
[Photo: Getty Images]
We’re not going to get rid of them that quickly. Consider this, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have, for better or worse, clawed their way onto the radar. They’re at the bottom of the pit admittedly, but there they are in all their weird crystal loving-body dysmorphic-fame whoring glory. Therefore, when Heidi and Spencer announced their divorce, we celebrated the Speidi cheeseball PDA trainwreck (Photos) with a begrudging respect.
But the most epic romance of all time (barf) must have a befitting end. Keeping with their love of melodrama, Heidi announced the divorce on their first anniversary (they actually lasted that long). Now, apparently, the divorce official date has been set for … Valentines Day, 2011. Yes, the the day of love marks the demise of the most solid marriage that was ever documented on television.
Which also leaves plenty of time for a staged reconciliation. And another book. And another TV show. Because they’re like roaches. They won’t go away.