TheFABlife Bikini Awards: Crazies

(Welcome to TheFABlife Bikini Awards, where we pit half-naked celebs against each other and you vote for the finest skin-flaunter of the summer of 2010.)

The first round of mobile and online voting is now closed. Vienna Girardi is the winner of the Crazies! Vote for the Ultimate Bikini Awards winner in our final poll!

Behold: the crazies, that loveable rag-tag group of loons who run around foaming at the mouth ranting on reality shows and to z-list celebrity rags. They’re like the roaches of Sunset Boulevard, get rid of one and two more pop up. Lucky for us, some of them look good wearing next-to-nothing, like plastic surgery addict Heidi Montag, real housewife Kelly Bensimon, red carpet crasher Phoebe Price, and The Bachelor winner Vienna Girardi.

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by (@missmuttoo)

Heidi Montag Realizes She’s All Alone, Reaches Out To Ex-BFF’s

Now that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt‘s divorce is final, the body-formally-known-as Heidi has realized she has a big Pratt-shaped hole in her life.  And she’s left reminiscing how her ex loved fame more than he loved her.

So what does she have left? She’s alienated her family (calling the cops on your Mom will do that). No friends either. Lauren Conrad and Heidi, once BFF, are no more. Even ex sister-in-law Stephanie Pratt doesn’t speak to her. So poor Heidi now has all that extra boob and no one to appreciate it.

In a move that reeks of desperation, she’s resorted to reaching out to her old Hills co-stars LC and Audrina Patridge in an attempt to erase all the Spencer years. She tweeted, “watching old hills i miss you @AudrinaPatridge and most of all @laurenconrad.”

Don’t hold your breath, Heidi-hon.


R.I.P. Marriage Of Speidi: November 11, 2008 – July 30, 2010


You might have thought that Heidi Montag was too busy working this week to do anything else (per her Twitter, she wrote 13 songs on Sunday alone, in addition to reading a book and drinking some tea!), but you’d be wrong. Heidi carved out some time to file for divorce from Spencer Pratt today – hallelujah! Montag’s lawyer, Jodeane Farrell said “Heidi has amended her petition for separation and today has filed a petition for dissolution of marriage from Spencer Pratt. The couple has agreed they would like their divorce to be finalized in a timely manner in an out of court settlement.” Like the Gosselins and Whitney and Bobby before them, we’ll plunk these two in the “divorces everyone saw coming” category, but we relish it even more.

You already knew that Spencer was prepared for this, after his admission that he’s a fame whore who prefers the spotlight to basic human decency and interaction. Now that these two are dunzo, does this mean that Lauren Conrad and Heidi can go back to being best friends? That would be so nice. Excuse us if we’re getting misty for 2006, it’s just that this divorce is the best news we’ve heard all day.

[Photo: Getty Images]


Spencer Pratt Admits He’s A Fame Whore

Another day, another douchey soundbite from Spencer Pratt. The World’s Worst Person (Crystal-Carrying Division) talked to People magazine about his breakup from Heidi Montag and claims that their marriage failed because he cherished his “fame” too much. (We use quotes because we think being famous is something very different from being universally reviled.)

“We love each other but I’m a famewhore and I’ll never grow out of it,” Spencer said. “[Heidi] knows that and doesn’t want that. I want every kind of press. She believes in bad press. There’s no way my love for fame and her love for puppies will ever work out successfully. She just wants to hike and hang out and be calmer.” Dare we say we actually  think Heidi sounds like she actually has some of her sh*t together if that’s really true? Girl’s got a decent head on her scooped-out and surgically enhanced shoulders.

Pratt said the relationship crapped out after Heidi realized that Spencer was never going to change his dickish ways. “She thought I’d burn out of this, but no, I’m still the same Spencer who went on The Hills to be famous. I still need to do stunts and take cues from Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.” You guys know famous cyber-crime fighting reality whores Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, don’t you? As obnoxious as Spencer and this interview are, at least he makes Heidi sound human. And that’s about the nicest compliment Spencer is capable of.


A Marriage Remembered: The 20 Cheesiest Moments Of The Speidi Romance


With the announcement of Heidi Montag‘s legal separation from Spencer Pratt, we here at TheFABlife are mourning not only the deterioration of their one-year marriage, but also the end of an onslaught of cringe-inducing, ridiculously over-staged pictures that captured the most absurd moments of their relationship. 

From fondling puppies to frolicking in the ocean, the two The Hills stars gave us a bevy of surgically enhanced Kodak moments that consistently made us want to vomit. Now that the marriage is over, we no longer will open the “Stars: Just Like Us” pages of UsWeekly to find these photos of fantastical fame-whoring; at least not until, if the fake break up rumors are true, they find a television show that will air their surely overdramatic reunion. For now, we will just hold on to these top twenty cheesiest photo-ops of the Speidi romance.

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Heidi Montag Files For Legal Separation From Spencer

Heidi Montag

Despite endless gossip that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt‘s split is a hoax, Heidi went and filed for legal separation from Spencer early today in Santa Monica. Citing irreconcilable differences, Heidi claimed the pair held no “assets or debts,” which TMZ notes either means Speidi is broke or already had a pre-nup. If it’s the latter, this separation doesn’t actually mean much; while a step towards divorcing, the separation just means the money she makes is hers from here on out—a moot point if their assets are already safe.

Issues like that are part of why this move shouldn’t stop speculation about whether the split is legit. Heidi’s Spencer-produced Hills spin-off has yet to be sold, and all the chatter about their master plan (not helped by roommate Jennifer Bunney blabbing about Spencer’s involvement in the project) could keep networks from wanting to pick up the project. If a legal filing or two is required to make the drama more genuine, we wouldn’t past these two to do it!

[Photo: Getty Images]


Report: Spencer And Heidi Are Broke. Thanks A Lot, Energy Crystals!


Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are full of cunning and trickery  - take for instance, the fact that we still aren’t sure if Speidi’s “breakup” is real or just for the cameras that seem to shadow them wherever they go. So we pretty much take any news story about them with a grain of salt, but we’re hoping in a schadenfreude kind of way that the report about them being flat broke is true.

Radar is reporting that the poster children for sociopathic narcissism led such extravagant lives (for instance, paying a friend $100 just to take out their garbage) that they have run out of money, and that led them to break up. The trouble started when Spencer was kicked off The Hills, which meant the paychecks stopped rolling in. The friend also reports that another reason for their lack on money is that Spencer admits to spending a half a million dollars on his energy crystals. Pratt said earlier this year “I am so addicted to crystals, it’s like a sickness. I’ve spent $500,000 on crystals this year. I checked my bank account last night, and I have $203 left. There’s a whole science to this. I’m not crazy.” Let’s see, between the two of you, you guys have spent your life’s savings on crystals and back-scoopage? Actually, crazy is the only word we’d use to describe you.

[Photo: Getty Images]