by (@missmuttoo)

Heidi Montag Is The Man In The Mirror

By now it’s no secret that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are in Costa Rica together. The “story” is that they’re trying to work out an agreement about the sex tapes a-hole Pratt supposedly has of them. WHATEVER. It all translates into a desperate attempt in getting the world to give them a negligible amount of attention again.

Heres the deal: Radaronline clicked photos of the Heidi doll frolicking in the waves with surgical tape plastered on her nose. The fact that these photos are supposed to be natural makes us snort through out non-surgically altered noses. Ms Poseur is so playing the camera that it’s like, photo shoot, much? Anyhoo, it got tongues wagging that she had another nose job on the sly, which would have been incredibly hypocritical since Heidi’s been wailing about her various surgeries and how they turned her into an inflatable raft. But since this is Miss Montag, hypocrisy is one of the least offensive charges.

Not so, reveals Heidi to Life & Style. The tape is to keep her nose from going completely out of whack and she’s supposedly, “… had my nose tape on 24 hours a day since November. It takes a year for your nose to heal. This is just the first photo that anyone has seen of it.” Well 24/7 apart from filming, is what she admitted. Which means the tape stays on for what… 2.5 seconds a day?

Heidi apparently didn’t use the tape the last time she had a nose job (in 2007) which ruined the shape, and led to her second surgery. And once bitten twice shy (HAH) Heidi isn’t take any chances anymore and is sticking to the post-op plan because, “… I don’t want my face to fall off like Michael Jackson’s.”  Yes, those words actually came out of her mouth.

Heidi, everyone knows you’d turn that into a reality show, if it ever happened.

by (@hallekiefer)

Heidi Montag’s Giant Cartoon Boobs Limit Her Ability to Exercise, Fame-Whore

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Much like her husband and her own lack of self-esteem, now Heidi Montag’s breast implants are ruining her life too. Says Montag about her massive assets, “I feel trapped in my own body.  I’m desperate to go back to normal’” a complaint common among people who have had their bodies replaced by plastic mannequin parts.

After her last surgery, Heidi’s future boob job plans included amping up her figure even further from her current insane G-cup, with the goal being to eventually bolt an H to her A- cup frame. Since then Montag has apparently come to realize the downside to having such side show-esque proportions. Says Heidi, “I’m obsessed with fitness but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.”

When Heidi says “heartbreaking,” she means her implants might literally break her heart if she uses a bench press wrong.  Says Montag, “I’m downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D.” Just a petite DD, thanks. She doesn’t want to look like a crazy person!  We just hope Heidi learned her lesson that bigger doesn’t always mean better; it often means chronic back pain. Oh, and always save the receipt.  [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

Heidi And Spencer: The Sex Tape Edition

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Spencer Pratt has been the target of a fair amount of vitriol over Twitter recently. Well, more than the usual amount that comes his way. His soon-to-be ex wife, Heidi Montag tweeted an eloquent, “F U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” to him, thanks to the sex tape he’s apparently trying to sell of her and Karissa Shannon.  They playmate was far more upfront about her feelings for Mr. Pratt, tweeting, “F**K YOU!!!!”

Spencer isn’t bothered one bit, tweeting Heidi right back with “Seriously? You’re going to start sh*t on twitter?” Uh, first: pot, meet kettle. Second:  Spencer is threatening to release a Speidi sex-tape. So, yes, the proverbial sh*t’s going to hit the roof.

As Spencer boasted on Twitter, he, “Promises you the Citizen Kane of sex tapes. Honestly, Orson Wells makes a guest appearance.” This monumental tape apparently has Heidi before and after plastic surgery, writhing away for your viewing pleasure (ewww).

Now, you’re probably asking yourself why Karissa is getting her panties in a twist? It’s because her panties are also involved. Spencer claims he’s found another sex tape featuring Heidi and Karissa getting down. Miss Montag…you DO get around. The playmate can breathe for a few and call off her lawyers because Vivid is rumored to be more interested in the  Speidi sex tapes, not so much the girl-on-girl. On another note: that’s quite a diss!

There’s a reason behind Spencer’s evil machinations, apart from him being, well, evil. The first is that Spencer has porn-star ambitions; “I am a wild sexual freak and I love sex”, he says. (We can’t believe we just typed out those words.) The second is that he seems to be using the tape(s) as leverage to convince Heidi to do another reality show with him.

The operative word here is blackmail. BUT. This is Heidi and Spencer, people. We reckon there’s more to this than meets the eye.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

Heidi And Spencer’s Divorce, More Gimmicks

We’re not going to get rid of them that quickly. Consider this, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have, for better or worse, clawed their way onto the radar. They’re at the bottom of the pit admittedly, but there they are in all their weird crystal loving-body dysmorphic-fame whoring glory. Therefore, when Heidi and Spencer announced their divorce, we celebrated the Speidi cheeseball PDA trainwreck (Photos) with a begrudging respect.

But the most epic romance of all time (barf) must have a befitting end. Keeping with their love of melodrama, Heidi announced the divorce on their first anniversary (they actually lasted that long). Now, apparently, the divorce official date has been set for … Valentines Day, 2011. Yes, the the day of love marks the demise of the most solid marriage that was ever documented on television.

Which also leaves plenty of time for a staged reconciliation. And another book. And another TV show. Because they’re like roaches. They won’t go away.

by (@missmuttoo)

Heidi Montag’s Plastic Surgeon Dies In Horrible Car Crash

What a horrible way to go. Dr Frank Ryan was a beloved plastic surgeon to the stars and responsible for Heidi Montag‘s jaw-dropping transformation. He also had Gene Simmons, the Gastineau Girls, Janice Dickinson, Shauna Sand, Vince Neil and Adrianne Curry on his roster, a who’s who of Hollywood’s most famous fake faces and bods.

Ryan’s 1995 Jeep Wrangler went down a rocky embankment towards the ocean on the Pacific Coast Highway yesterday. It landed on its roof, with Frank stuck inside. Lifeguards even tried to help get him out but to no success and when the paramedics arrived Dr Ryan was pronounced dead. The official cause is  “blunt force head injuries.” Ryan’s dog was also in the car and was found in the ocean. His eye and paws were injured but was otherwise released yesterday and in stable condition. There are some reports that he was messaging and tweeting when he accidentally drove over the cliff.

Condolences have started pouring in from all Dr. Ryan’s celebrity friends and clients. Heidi Montag tweeted,  “I am devastated to hear the news of Dr. Frank Ryan’s death. He was the most amazing person I have ever known. He was an angel and changed my life and the lives of everyone he met. He was the most brilliant talented surgeon who will ever exist. Dr. Frank Ryan changed the world.”

We’d argue that scooping out Heidi’s back wasn’t really world changing, but still – this is sad news. We send our prayers to his family and loved ones.

by

TheFABlife Bikini Awards: Crazies

(Welcome to TheFABlife Bikini Awards, where we pit half-naked celebs against each other and you vote for the finest skin-flaunter of the summer of 2010.)

The first round of mobile and online voting is now closed. Vienna Girardi is the winner of the Crazies! Vote for the Ultimate Bikini Awards winner in our final poll!

Behold: the crazies, that loveable rag-tag group of loons who run around foaming at the mouth ranting on reality shows and to z-list celebrity rags. They’re like the roaches of Sunset Boulevard, get rid of one and two more pop up. Lucky for us, some of them look good wearing next-to-nothing, like plastic surgery addict Heidi Montag, real housewife Kelly Bensimon, red carpet crasher Phoebe Price, and The Bachelor winner Vienna Girardi.

View Photo Gallery

by (@missmuttoo)

Heidi Montag Realizes She’s All Alone, Reaches Out To Ex-BFF’s

Now that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt‘s divorce is final, the body-formally-known-as Heidi has realized she has a big Pratt-shaped hole in her life.  And she’s left reminiscing how her ex loved fame more than he loved her.

So what does she have left? She’s alienated her family (calling the cops on your Mom will do that). No friends either. Lauren Conrad and Heidi, once BFF, are no more. Even ex sister-in-law Stephanie Pratt doesn’t speak to her. So poor Heidi now has all that extra boob and no one to appreciate it.

In a move that reeks of desperation, she’s resorted to reaching out to her old Hills co-stars LC and Audrina Patridge in an attempt to erase all the Spencer years. She tweeted, “watching old hills i miss you @AudrinaPatridge and most of all @laurenconrad.”

Don’t hold your breath, Heidi-hon.

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R.I.P. Marriage Of Speidi: November 11, 2008 – July 30, 2010

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You might have thought that Heidi Montag was too busy working this week to do anything else (per her Twitter, she wrote 13 songs on Sunday alone, in addition to reading a book and drinking some tea!), but you’d be wrong. Heidi carved out some time to file for divorce from Spencer Pratt today – hallelujah! Montag’s lawyer, Jodeane Farrell said “Heidi has amended her petition for separation and today has filed a petition for dissolution of marriage from Spencer Pratt. The couple has agreed they would like their divorce to be finalized in a timely manner in an out of court settlement.” Like the Gosselins and Whitney and Bobby before them, we’ll plunk these two in the “divorces everyone saw coming” category, but we relish it even more.

You already knew that Spencer was prepared for this, after his admission that he’s a fame whore who prefers the spotlight to basic human decency and interaction. Now that these two are dunzo, does this mean that Lauren Conrad and Heidi can go back to being best friends? That would be so nice. Excuse us if we’re getting misty for 2006, it’s just that this divorce is the best news we’ve heard all day.

[Photo: Getty Images]

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Spencer Pratt Admits He’s A Fame Whore

Another day, another douchey soundbite from Spencer Pratt. The World’s Worst Person (Crystal-Carrying Division) talked to People magazine about his breakup from Heidi Montag and claims that their marriage failed because he cherished his “fame” too much. (We use quotes because we think being famous is something very different from being universally reviled.)

“We love each other but I’m a famewhore and I’ll never grow out of it,” Spencer said. “[Heidi] knows that and doesn’t want that. I want every kind of press. She believes in bad press. There’s no way my love for fame and her love for puppies will ever work out successfully. She just wants to hike and hang out and be calmer.” Dare we say we actually  think Heidi sounds like she actually has some of her sh*t together if that’s really true? Girl’s got a decent head on her scooped-out and surgically enhanced shoulders.

Pratt said the relationship crapped out after Heidi realized that Spencer was never going to change his dickish ways. “She thought I’d burn out of this, but no, I’m still the same Spencer who went on The Hills to be famous. I still need to do stunts and take cues from Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.” You guys know famous cyber-crime fighting reality whores Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, don’t you? As obnoxious as Spencer and this interview are, at least he makes Heidi sound human. And that’s about the nicest compliment Spencer is capable of.