Ah yes, the way Jesse James has triumphed over problems entirely of his own making is truly inspiring. While last week the star of the upcoming special Jesse James: Outlaw Garage told E! Online that he was in “a pretty awesome place in life,” it seems that James is already back on the martyrdom tip. “I think I’ve paid the price and then some, you know? I don’t know anybody anywhere that’s had to endure what I had to endure for basically infidelity,” the reality star sighed to Yahoo’s OMG! “It’s just the nature of my life. People always will want me sainted one minute, and strung up the next.” Why do we always put our tiny violins into storage right when we we need them the most? Oh wait, here’s one behind a Tic Tac. Sing the song, Jesse! Sing that same sad song!
We’re not exactly sure why Jesse is surprised people think he’s a dirt bag after learning that he cheated on Sandra Bullock with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee and on Kat Von D with…well, half the women in L.A., but it’s pretty obvious no one would bring up all that hot mess if Jesse himself would stop talking about it. Sniffs James, “I think people just judge me by the way I look. That predates fame or any of that stuff. People have always been scared of me and always think I’m a bigot or a racist or a homophobe just by the way I look. I’m 6’3″, and 215 pounds, [and a] tattooed-up white boy.” Sure, Jesse, or maybe it’s those photos of you in Nazi regalia? Or the fact that you associate with ladies who would voluntarily get a swastika tattoo on their downstairs? You might not be able to hear it where you are, Jesse, but rest assured we are playing you the teeniest little sonata right now.
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Jesse James is playing this pretty well, finally. While he seems to know he’ll never exactly escape the shadow of his tabloid-ready love life, he’s returning the focus to the thing that made him famous in the first place: his work in the shop. The extended preview for his upcoming special on Discovery, Jesse James: Outlaw Garage, touches on both his escape from Hollywood (“My life blew up in my face,” he says, which is one way to refer to his messy divorce from Sandra Bullock, affair with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee and broken engagement to Kat Von D) and his efforts to rebuild his life in Texas, with his new Austin Speed Shop. There’s a whole lot of car talk and a ridiculous deadline and the usual personnel conflict stuff there too, of course.
Kat Von D has never been particularly private about her relationship with ex-fiance and consummate bad boy Jesse James. Turns out, neither has Jesse James! In a very different, more horrible way! “Today I encountered the 19th girl to add to the list of people Jesse cheated on me with during this last year,” the former reality star wrote in a blistering Facebook rant yesterday. Ugh, we wish we could grab Kat by her ink-covered shoulders and tell her to Not. Even. Waste. Her. Time. Since we can’t, instead we’ve compiled the 19 reasons no one on this beautiful blue planet ever should date Jesse James. You’d think the world wouldn’t need a list like this, but hey … let’s keep it from hitting 20, shall we?
19. That beard.
18. If Kat Von D’s upcoming album is anything like we imagine, there will be reasons not to date him set to music, emitting from your computer speakers.
17. Whimpered about how he felt “beaten up by the media” for um, you know, all those horrible, embarrassing things he did.
16. Got a book deal out of the whole thing, published American Outlaw.
15. Told Howard Stern that sex with Kat was “100 percent better” than with Sandra Bullock. Does he not know we can all hear the words coming out of his mouth?
14. Oh right, cheated on America’s sweetheart Sandra Bullock in the most painfully public way possible. She barely got to enjoy her Best Actress Oscar last year!
13. Photos of Jesse James in Nazi regalia are floating around the Internet, and you know your mom would find those! Or someone else’s mom! Or anyone!
12. Bombshell McGee, the woman with whom Jesse cheated on Sandra Bullock. That’s all we’ll say about that.
11. Actually, no it’s not. Bombshell McGee had racist and Nazi tattoos, too! The woman had a swastika near her lady business! It’s like we’re taking crazy pills here!
10. Even bombshell McGee didn’t think Jesse’s engagement to Kat D was a good idea, and she thinks horrible ideas are good ideas!
9. Has sold stuff for way more than it’s worth on eBay because of his notoriety, which just does not seem fair at all.
8. Morally tainted our enjoyment of Monster Garage reruns.
7. Allegedly called his marriage to Sandy a “sham.”
6. Allegedly had a foursome when Bullock was out of town promoting The Proposal. We can’t even.
5. Got defended by Whoopi Goldberg in the press, and you know she only defends the gross guys. Mel Gibson? Roman Polanski?
4.,3. and 2. That hair.
1. He is a 20-time cheater! And that’s just the number of women we’ve heard about! Isn’t that reason enough?
It’s hard to imagine a Kat Von D album without a few songs about He Who Shall Not Be Named. (Just kidding, we’re talking ’bout Jesse James). After all,Ã‚Â the LA Ink star told E! that her upcoming record will be “more on the dark, more tragically romantic” side of thing. We imagine it’s going to be like a Taylor Swift album, except switch John Mayer for Jesse and swap bunny eyes trembling with heart-wrenching tears for knuckle tatts. Plus, if you’re Sandra Bullock, you can use it to get your heart rate up at the gym.
While her music might be about her former flame, Kat Von D’s book most definitely won’t be. “No, my next book will not be about my cheating ex. There are way too many positive and inspiring things to write about instead,” Kat Von D’s Twitter read yesterday. While it’s not completely clear if Kat is alleging Jesse James cheated on her specifically, or more generally when married to Sandy, either way it’s probably a better subject to rock out to than to read about. That way we won’t have to just imagine the screaming in our heads.
We’re losing track of these two — but the real question is do we (and you guys) really care? Kat von D and Jesse James reunited a little over a month ago with sappy twitpics and tweets to commemorate the occasion. So what went wrong (again) in such a short period of time? Kat explained the (brand-new) split to People saying, “It was clear to me that we were just on two different paths in life. My friend put it best when he said I could never be more deserving of total, noble love. And as a woman, I think it’s important to know your value and never lose sight of that.” Yeah, we don’t know if anyone could have a “total, noble love” with Jesse!
She also added via Facebook that distance played its part and apologized “for all the ‘back and forth’ if it’s caused any confusion).” A day after this apology, Kat was photographed strolling around West Hollywood with a “mystery man,” although none of the pictures suggest a romantic link. Time will tell.
Bonus pics: Kat Von D Through The Years!
[Photos at top: Splash News Online]
So we thought that Kat von D was going to drop out of our lives forever since LA Ink got canned. But when one door slams shut, another opens — to the public, that is. Because Kat and Jesse James are back on and therefore, back in the press. Jesse told People that they were giving their relationship a second chance and that their broken engagement was on again. And to make it very clear, he tweeted a sappy message and photo of them that read, “Para Siempre”. It was reciprocated by Kat’s tweet and photo (which you can see above). Why did we think we had seen the last of them? It never works that way! But yeah, make it work, you two. Loving the l’amour and all that.
[Photo via Kat von D‘s Twitter account]
See, the internet isn’t just another means for celebrities to accidentally show us their sexy times/secret homophobia. This wacky series of tubes can also be a force of good, like in Kat Von D’s blog post about her break-up with Jesse James and storming off Good Morning L.A this morning. In the post titled “What can I say? I suck,” Von D poured her surprisingly eloquent heart out about her split from her fiance, devastating house fire and continuing recovery from addiction. “Today was really hard for me. And no ones to blame other than myself,” Kat apologizes. “Never planned on walking away from this relationship, let alone the timing of things.” Celebrities: they aren’t just cyborgs made out of collagen and tattoo ink. They also have human, collagen-filled, tattoo-covered hearts.
As for all of us rolling our eyes at her diva move on live TV, Kat Von D’s Twitter tells a different story. “My apologies if I’ve offended anyone this morning-For the record: I did not storm off – I politely left w notice when GDLA broke their word,” the reality star tweeted. “As if we’ve forgotten how to love, so easily we resort to blame, criticism, and ridicule of one another… Today, I admit defeat. Xo.” Wow, really makes you think…that this might be some sort of genius marketing scheme for the new season of L.A. Ink. If so, well-played you crazy cyborg!
Just days after the news of her split with mega-creep Jesse James went public, Kat Von D stormed out of the Good Day L.A. studios after learning that host Jillian Reynolds planned to ask some questions about, you guessed it, her split with mega-creep Jesse James. Kat doesn’t seem to get how morning talk shows (or people in general) work. But now she’s back peddling and insisting to TMZ that the show’s anchors broke their word to not mention the split in her introduction.
Kat says she saw her Jesse James-centric intro on the teleprompter and “very politely” asked that it be changed, but nothing was done about it. So when she heard it live on air, she bolted. Good Day L.A. producers are calling BS, and insist that Kat made no such demands, only requesting the interviewers didn’t discuss former James flames Sandra Bullock and Michelle McGee (which they didn’t). Kat claims that she didn’t want her to highlight her personal life, but promote the new season of LA Ink. And what better way to promote a series than a massively public breakup and causing a fuss on live television. We’re just sayin…
[Photo: Getty Images]
How dare those nay sayers suggest Kat Von D and James James broke up, when clearly their love is like a filthy, tattoo-covered rose growing strong and wild from a crack in the parking lot? “That is absolutely not true,” James told People regarding break-up rumors. “We’re still going strong. Things are completely good with us.” Kat agreed, adding, “That’s the furthest thing from the truth.” It seems to us that the farthest thing from the truth would be the statement, “These two do not make us feel vaguely nauseated,” but to each their own.
This isn’t the first time Jesse James felt “beaten up” by the media, though, sadly, not in a literal sense. In fact, the engaged couple is at this moment so not broken up, they are planning their nuptials for the one-year anniversary of their relationship later this summer. “That day can’t come soon enough!” James exclaimed. “Everything is on track. I am absolutely more in love today than I was a year ago. She’s the one for me.” That would put the wedding as being in or around August, giving them both plenty of time to laser off all those former lovers’ names off their butts prior to the event.
[Photo: Getty Images]
If we don’t start being nice to Jesse James, we might not have him to kick around much longer. The motorcycling/philandering expert revealed to PopEater that he’s felt “pretty beaten up in the media” since he began promoting his new memoir, American Outlaw. “The last few day have been pretty bad,” he confessed. “It’s kind of reminding me how things were a year ago, maybe all those people are right and I should go back and hide in my shop.” Hey, sorry we weren’t impressed when Jesse told Howard Stern sex was “100 percent better” with fiancee Kat Von D than ex-wife Sandra Bullock, whose Oscar-win afterglow was ruined by his dalliance with one Michelle “Bombshell” McGee…among others.
But really, what would make the haters happy? “At this point I don’t think I’m going to be able to do anything right in anybody’s eyes ever again,” he sighed when discussing his quick engagement following the end of his marriage to Bullock. “Except kill myself or disappear, then people will be happy I guess.” Or maybe you could focus your work, rather than write a memoir about the very stuff everyone hates you for. Hugh Grant made movies after he cheated on Elizabeth Hurley with a hooker, he didn’t write and promote a memoir about the emotional scars that made him a bad boy. There’s a lesson there, Jesse.
[Photo: Getty Images]