by (@hallekiefer)

McCain Says Snooki’s Too Hot For Jail, Finally Proves That He’s Cooler Than Obama

mccain-snooks-550rnrnIn a desperate attempt to seem hip to young people, John McCain once again spills the beans about his hopeless crush on Snooki, this time during a radio interview. Yesterday, the former Presidential candidate practically swooned into the microphone while talking to Phoenix’s KMLE, agreeing that, “I kind of think she might be too good looking to go to jail,” when asked about the Jersey Shore star’s recent run-in with the law. So, did his handlers just show John McCain a picture of Snooki and say, “This is what people find attractive now”? Or did they have to Photoshop a bustle and parasol onto her before he really got it? Because, seriously, ew. rnrnAlso, let’s be honest here, people. As much as we love and cherish our Snickers (almost too much, our therapists would argue), she …how should we put this… she definitely has the goods to be crowned Miss Edna Mahan Correctional Facility for Women 2010. That poof was born to conceal a shiv, a pack of smokes, and a slightly smaller poof underneath it. Luckily for McCain, his infatuation is far from one-sided; the May-December lovebirds have tweeted at each other, and Snooki has mentioned before that she thought the 73-year-old Senator is “really cute.” Which, once again, ew. rnrnWe, on the other hand, continue to be baffled by how hard McCain is working to seem relevant to the younger generations. Is this going to be part of his 2012 campaign? God help us if knowing about Snooki determines whether or not someone will be elected leader of the free world. Wait a minute…we know EVERYTHING about Snooki! Get the Palin on the phone; we’ve got a nation to lead! [Photo: Getty Images]

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Snooki Voted For John McCain Because He’s “Really Cute”

snooki-mccain3

After a flurry of twitter-flirting (twirting? flittering?), the internet-fueled romance between The Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and former presidential candidate Senator John McCain took the next step in its natural progression. His daughter Meghan McCain interviewed the Guidette-in-Chief for the blog The Daily Beast. Not surprisingly, things got inappropriate faster than you can say “gym, tan, laundry.”

Meghan: Have you always been a Republican? And are you still interested in politics?

Snooki: To be honest with you, I’m not really a Republican or a Democrat. I actually signed up as an independent, just because I don’t want to pick any side and also I don’t really know a lot about politics. I only know politics about, like, you know, tanning and being a Guidette. So when I saw it was Obama and McCain, to be honest with you, the only reason why I voted for your father was because he was really cute and I liked when he did his speeches.

Meghan: Well, thank you. [Laughing] I appreciate that, though it’s a little weird…

Aside from making her interviewer feel uncomfortable, Snooki – aka McCain’s #1 fan – discussed being relatable to her fans, her admiration for Kendra Wilkinson and Tori Spelling, and the unfortunate lack of Guidos in Miami Beach. It’s too soon to tell if this web-affair between Snooki and McCain will continue—perhaps the cast will cameo on a viral YouTube campaign video or Snooki will Skype in at McCain’s next stump speech. A Shore-Style fist pump is exactly what a congressional race needs to reach out to a new demographic.

[Photo: GettyImages]

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John McCain Can’t Say He’d Vote For Sarah Palin In 2012

Sarah Palin, just take that “White Oprah gig” already—in national politics, you’re already losing your biggest fan. John McCain, while still grateful for her executive experience, campaign re-invigoration, and all the other neato stuff the most unpopular vice-presidential candidate ever brought to his ticket last fall, he couldn’t promise he’d vote for her in 2012 on Sunday’s episode of This Week.

I can’t say something like that. We’ve got some great other young governors. I think you’re going to see the governors assume a greater leadership role in our Republican Party.

Well, yes, because Republicans are greatly outnumbered by Democrats in the House and Senate. But there you have it. McCain, the man who refused to hear a negative word about Palin during the election, would rather nod at potential nominees Tim Pawlenty and Bobby Jindal than suggest he’s in her pocket for the 2012 Republican primary. Where’s the team spirit, guys?

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Joe The Plumber: John McCain Made Me Feel “Dirty”

Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher is alive, well and hawking his book Fighting For The American Dream on conservative radio. Zzz, right? But just in case liberals are thinking about turning away from the hero of all average Americans who don’t like the idea of rich people paying higher taxes, he shared a promising tidbit with Glenn Beck on his radio show this morning:

I honestly felt even more dirty after I had been on the campaign trail and seen some things that take place. It was scary, man…I spoke to John McCain pretty in-depth and, you know, I’ll tease you here. A lot of liberals are going to love that passage.

While the passage probably describes a tense conversation he had with McCain about why the Presidential nominee voted for the bailout, we can’t help but hope for a juicier story. Here are some “dirty” ideas for how Joe could make sure everyone reads his book.

  • McCain puts on a movie about gladiators and asks Joe if he’s ever seen a grown politician naked.
  • Cindy McCain plasters on her make-up like a trollop.
  • When asked why he chose Sarah Palin as VP, McCain sighs “well, I obviously read a whole lot more into her winking that I should have. Christ, I could have gotten more tail from Tim Pawlenty. Daddy horny, Joe. Daddy horny…”
  • McCain’s chief of staff misreads Joe’s Mr. Clean look. “Am I a bear? Uhh…dude, I root for the Bengals.”

Read more…

by (@katespencer)

Cindy McCain Caught Kissing Another Dude?

Could wife-bot Cindy McCain possibly be cheating on sexy Almost-President, John McCain? That’s what the National Enquirer is saying, after their spies spotted a Cindy look-alike sucking face with a pony-tailed(!) hunk who looked like “a washed-up ’80s rock musician” at a Moody Blues concert in Tempe, Arizona. Yes, there are photos of the lip-lock, but all it really shows is a random blond gettin’ her mid-life crisis on.

We imagine that Cindy is just one of a billion icey fake blondes residing in this retirement hub, so surely the Enquirer’s spies could have their info wrong. Not to mention, she’s invested in a deep, loving marriage with a man who lives across the country and enjoys calling her a “trollop” and a “c*nt”. Surely they’ve got the wrong gal, right?  [Photo: GettyImages]

by (@katespencer)

Afternoon Snack: Senator Bed Head

He may have a few houses and a dozen cars, but with his bed head, Starbucks and cellphone, the disheveled John McCain (spotted this morning on his Phoenix balcony) looks just like us. Let’s hope he maintains this look if he becomes President.

Go vote!

[Photo: Getty Images]

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John McCain Rushes By Helicopter To Make Letterman Appearance

Late last month, John McCain “suspended” his presidential campaign by appearing on CBS News when he was scheduled to appear on The Late Show with David Letterman. Ads still ran, surrogates still appeared on tv, his campaign offices were still open—all that was truly affected by McCain’s half-week “suspension” was the Letterman interview. And you know who was pissed? David Letterman!

Yesterday evening, McCain stopped by the show to try and make things better. “I screwed up!” said McCain, in his defense. When Letterman continued to rail, he added “I screwed up! What can I say?” Ironically, McCain—who took a day and a half to get to Washington after his campaign “suspension”—rushed to a helicopter Thursday afternoon when flight delays threatened to keep him from making it to the interview. There are emergencies and then there are emergencies, you see.

Read more…

by (@katespencer)

Afternoon Snack: Grandpa Goes Crazy

Yep, it’s John McCain and it’s a real photo. He apparently bugged out after walking the wrong way on the stage at last night’s debate. We hope he advertises this face as a reason to vote for him – it’s way more awesome than health insurance. [Photo: GettyImages]

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Diddy Can Not Believe John McCain Called Barack Obama “That One”

“Look,” says Diddy in his new Diddy blog update. “I know that it sounds a bit suspicious that Senator John McCain referred to Senator Barack Obama as ‘That One.’ We must always be watchful of our language and its potential to dehumanize. I would strongly appreciate an apology to us all. But whether McCain meant to demean or simply misspoke, I believe we should focus on the myriad of pressing issues rather than play up the potential subtext of a stray statement. It is far better we ignore such trivial lapses, so that we may shine a brighter light on the dangers of McCain’s proposed policies. We do need a cool hand at the tiller, and it is Barack Obama who shows this desired temperament. Let us learn from his example.”

Just kidding. Diddy’s seriously pissed over McCain’s ‘That One’ crack, and says he finds the Republican nominee “even scarier than Sarah Palin.” So why isn’t he shrieking?

by (@katespencer)

It’s A Beautiful Day In McCain’s Neighborhood

We, like many of you, tuned in to last night’s Presidential debate only to be put to sleep by the overall snooziness of the whole affair. Sure, there were some golden digs – especially directed at moderator Tom Brokaw – but for the most part, it was like watching that cool stay at home dad bicker with that cranky retired dude from down the street who drives a golf cart instead of a car. But hey, replace that frown with a smile and drop a red sweater his shoulders, and John McCain suddenly bears a striking resemblance to one of America’s most iconic old dudes. All he needs is some fish to feed and some Keds on his feet, and we’ll all be moving to Arizona to be his neighbor. Don’t you agree, friends?