by (@hallekiefer)

Kara DioGuardi “Almost Died” Eating Drug Brownies At Paula Abdul’s House

Oh boy. You know how you always have one friend at the party who’s like, “Woooo hoooo! I’m so wasted!” before falling down the basement steps, and then later you find out she was actually drinking your grandma’s O’Douls? Former American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi’s pot brownie story makes her that friend for Paula Abdul. On Lopez Tonight last night, Kara copped to eating some special brownies she found in Paula’s freezer…not that she knew what was in them! “There were these, little nuggets, little, you know, take six, not a lot. Six hours later I was like, ‘heeeey, what’s going on?'” DioGuardi says. “I fell out of bed, on the floor, I stumbled downstairs and I was like, ‘I ate too much.’ And the ambulance comes and is like, ‘this b—h is as high as a kite.'” Why do we get a feeling that Kara tells this story at every party she goes to?

According to Kara, she spent three days in the hospital with hallucinations, which if true explains everything we know about Paula up to his date.  “The maid took them out, she was in the hospital, I had six, I almost died,” she claims, while Paula maintains that a “friend” must have left them in her fridge. Two things: first of all, if someone ate six of our brownies, no matter what kind they were, she’d be going to the hospital either way. Second of all, whaaaaa?

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Kara DioGuardi Unloads A Lifetime of Bad Things In Her New Memoir

We’ve always been hard on former American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi because we never found her particularly likable or insightful on the show. DioGuardi is about to make us feel terrible for every bad thing we’ve ever said about her though what with the release of her memoir A Helluva High Note, which comes out next week and reveals a lifelong history of abuse, rape and a whole lot more.

In the new book, DioGuardi reveals that she was molested by a family friend when she was just eleven years old. Later, as she was just starting her music career, she was date-raped by a “fairly known producer,” and was sexually harassed by a “hugely successful” recording artist and forced to watch strippers have sex while on a songwriting trip with this anonymous star. Sorry, was this book called A Helluva High Note, or One Low Note After Another? We’re confused and we also feel awful. To add to DioGuardi’s personal struggles, she also reveals her difficulty conceiving a child, having undergone unsuccessful IVF treatments while on Idol. She says that her desire for a family is one of the reasons she left the show, saying “I wanted a child and there was no way I could get pregnant under the stress of eighteen-hour work days and live TV.” Let’s hope she’s under less stress on her new show with Jewel called Platinum Hit, (formerly Going Platinum) which premieres in May.

[Photo: Getty Images]


Kara DioGuardi Is Writing A Memoir For Some Reason


America’s fifth-favorite American Idol judge, Kara DioGuardi, is writing a memoir. Why? Who knows! We’ve given up trying to understand anything Kara does or says.

Radar Online reports that the songwriter/judge/fan of sparkle makeup in her cleavage has written a memoir called A Helluva High Note: Surviving Life, Love, And American Idol which will be released on April 26, 2011. (Pending any copyright infringement issues she may have to deal with from the Helluva Good Cheese people, obviously.) The book is meant to “inspire others to take chances and succeed” while also possibly revealing what life is like when you work with Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul and have bikini sing-offs for a living. We look forward to seeing this book in Barnes And Noble bargain bins for years to come.

[Photo: Getty Images]


Yodel-y, Condescending Songwriting Show In The Works

It’s hard for us to hear any news about Kara DioGuardi without frowning. That’s because news about Kara DioGuardi means she, as a public figure, has not yet become obsolete. She was eaaaasily our least favorite American Idol judge, there was just something so smug about her comments and her be-glittered decolletáge that rubbed us the wrong way. DioGuardi is back though, America! In 2011, she’ll be the judge of a new singer-songwriter show on Bravo called Going Platinum. And if Kara’s star power isn’t enough for you, the show will be hosted by Jewel! (All together now: “Who will hoo-ee-oost your show?”) And the contestants will all live together in a house! And have their lives taped. To find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting musical.

DioGuardi explains that the show is more creative and less performance-based than Idol, and says “I am happy to be a part of a show that helps up and coming songwriters pursue their dreams, while giving the public a look into the creative process.” And here we thought Bravo already found the world’s greatest songwriter in Countess Luann De Lesseps, whose song “Money Can’t Buy You Class” has been stuck in our heads for about a year now.


Kara DioGuardi Tries To Save Face, Is All “I Was Gonna Quit Idol Anyway!”

It’s no secret that Kara DioGuardi is our least favorite person American Idol judge, and we weren’t sad to see her get canned from the series. But DioGuardi, whose father says she found out she was fired after reading it in the paper, is now claiming that she intended to leave the show anyway and tried to quit Idol two months before she was let go. We are admittedly only doubtful of this because we have a personal vendetta against her (if you want fair and balanced Idol coverage you’ll have to go elsewhere, we have a passionate love/hate relationship with this show) but honestly, this just seems like a lame attempt to save face.

We don’t doubt that this could be true, but what we have a problem with is making it public just to be like “Guys, seriously, I didn’t even want to be on this show anymore.” DioGuardi isn’t a born television personality. She should just go back to writing decent pop songs while living in obscurity, we’d all be thrilled with that plan. She doesn’t need to make the public like her or think she was already over Idol in the first place. It’s cool, Kara – go help Ke$ha write something halfway tolerable, lord knows she could use you.

by (@missmuttoo)

Major American Idol Shake Ups: DeGeneres and DioGuardi Out, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler In!

new-idol-550rnrnWe knew that Simon Cowell’s departure as the face of American Idol would cause some serious waves, but not even seasoned industry insiders predicted this would get this crazy! Things began sliding downhill quickly for the fading franchise last night when Ellen DeGeneres unexpectedly quit as a judge on the show, a message that she delivered via Twitter: “Dim the lights…I’ve voted myself off American Idol.” Considering the rocky way her first season went — reports that Ellen was “not comfortable,” “not happy” and that her stint was “not fun” — we’re not exactly shocked by her decision, but this leaves the show with a serious personality gap.rnrnOr does it? Right on the heels of this bombshell announcement came word that Jennifer Lopez would replace DeGeneres as one of the show’s judges! The Internet had been blindly (and annoyingly) speculating about Simon’s replacement for months, but after all the Elton John/Justin Timberlake/Jessica Simpson talk, J.Lo swooped in at the last moment to grab the spot. This gig couldn’t have come at a better time for Jenny From The Block, as her movie and music career have been in a serious rut of late.rnrnBut that’s not all! Returning Idol executive producer Nigel Lythgoe is on record as wanting to return the show to its original three judge format, which means that … wait for it … Kara DioGuardi has gotten fired! (Yes!) So now, your new American Idol judging panel is now rumored to have Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and … Steven Tyler? Yes, that Steven Tyler, the one who just got out of rehab. rnrnPhew, we’re exhausted. Thoughts?rnrn[Photo: Getty Images]


Your Next American Idol Is…


It’s pretty awesome that a bunch of kids who auditioned for a reality show eight months ago got to share the stage with people like Janet Jackson (Miss Jackson if you’re nasty!), Chicago, Joe Cocker, and Hall and Oates tonight. Janet Jackson! I mean!

In addition to all the special guests on the American Idol finale, there was a winner, and his name is Lee DeWyze. Okay, if you didn’t feel happy for the guy as he cried his way through “Beautiful Day”, you have a heart filled with poo. It became pretty obvious from the way Lee nervously handled his microphone in the moments leading up to his coronation that he really wanted this. We still have total confidence that Crystal Bowersox will have a killer career, but there’s only one winner, and – God, all his crying! It was touching. Suck it, paint store!  We did enjoy the rest of the show more than we’ve probably enjoyed most other episodes of Idol, for our rundown of all the special surprises, read on.

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American Idol: Lee And Crystal Face Off


The final performance show of American Idol was solid, making it even more difficult to foresee who will be the winner of season nine. The sadness of Lee DeWyze’s first two performances were only matched by the sadness of his puppy-dog eyes, while Crystal Bowersox showed a range of emotion, all while negotiating the glossy stairs in heels. It was like a Double Dare physical challenge watching her try not to fall. Still, it would be impossible to try to predict what the voting public will do, the winner is going to be a real toss up.
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American Idol: Why This Season Wasn’t About Finding An “Artist”

This season of American Idol had a lot to prove, and funnily enough, none of it was about finding the next great singer. Over the past five months, we’ve scrutinized America’s second favorite show (yeah, somehow (and this is the woman who wore a tearaway dress last year, revealing a bikini under it). The dialogue between DioGuardi and Casey James during his audition reads like a porn.

Casey “I’m willing to do anything that I need to do.”

Kara “What about unbuttoning your shirt a little bit?”

Randy “Take it off.”

Kara, to Victoria Beckham “Don’t you want to see it?”

Cut to Casey, bare-chested and wondering why some Forever 21-clad cougar is trying to hijack his singing career and a bag of bones dressed in Gucci is eyeing him like he’s a Coke Zero. And scene.

“Straight Up” Now Tell Me When I’m Eliminated

Poor Andrew Garcia, he gave one of the only truly interesting performances of the season when he rehashed Paula Abdul‘s “Straight Up” during Hollywood Week, but he was never able to relive that during his time in the Top 12. And the judges reminded him of it again…and again…and again. He might not have fared well in the competition, but we kinda wish he releases his cover as a single.

The Judges

So it’s Simon Cowell‘s final season of Idol before he moves on to The X-Factor.  Paula Abdul has already left and taken most of her glitter eyeshadow with her. Ellen DeGeneres made her debut. And let’s face it, the judges make this show what it is. Who doesn’t tune in just to hear Simon call someone “atrocious” or throw out an entendre or two? So people have tuned in out of curiosity – they want to bid Cowell farewell, see how Ellen and her non-musical ear will do, and lament Paula’s absence. This season marks the beginning of the end it seems, or at least the beginning of a whole lotta changes, for the series. (And by the way, the above picture is from 2003, but why wouldn’t be want to post a picture of Paula dressed like a princess?)

The First Idol Baby

Plenty of Idol contestants have been parents just trying to support their families, but we’re pretty sure we’ve never actually had a baby’s birth narrated by Ryan Seacrest. But when Michael Lynche made it to Hollywood, he had to hear his wife give birth on the other end of an iPhone. Luckily, Mama and Baby Lynche were able to come stay with Big Mike while he sang his way through the show. His rendition of “This Woman’s Work” was made more poignant by his story and even made Kara cry (for show, obvs, she’s Kara remember?) but it was one of the more touching personal moments this show has brought us.

The Elimination Process

This is probably our most solid case for why the show is no longer about the music. Sure, Crystal Bowersox is an amazing performer and a born musician, and Lee DeWyze can sing the crap out of a power ballad but (don’t hate us) Casey James is not and cannot. And yet he’s in the final three. Not to mention  the fact that Alex Lambert, our early favorite (despite his hair) was booted before he even had a chance to make it to the Top 12. Same with Lilly Scott – sure, her sound wasn’t music to our ears, but she was original and definitely had more talent that Top Twelvers like Paige Miles and Lacey Brown. Sure, musical taste is subjective, but ability is not.

We’re not sure if we’re optimistic about next season, to be honest. If Randy Jackson and Kara and Ellen (who, God love her, doesn’t add much to the show, in our opinion) are the anchors of the show, this, uh, ship may have sailed. (Forgive our New England-y seafaring metaphors.)  In the meantime, we’re still excited for this week’s finale and eagerly await the announcement of who America has chosen to idolize (but will subsequently forget about) this season.

[Photos: Getty Images/]


American Idol: Judges’ Choice


So guys, Lee DeWyze is probably gonna win this, huh? After last night, that’s kinda what we’re thinking now.

The contestants each got to sing a song of their choosing and a song that a judge chose for them on American Idol. This proved two things, the first being that the judges are objective and savvy enough to know what songs work for the contestants. The second is that these contestants aren’t savvy enough to be allowed full creative control of their careers just yet, if their own song choices were any indicator.

Casey James chose “Ok, It’s Alright With Me” which we aren’t familiar with, and the judges picked John Mayer’s “Daughters” for him, which, given Mayer’s sh*tty year, seems like a cruel setup. He was fine, but not great and sadly, we get the sense that Casey knows he’s done for. Simon Cowell said “Daughters”’ “climax is a limp guitar solo” which, once you get past the juvenile sex references, was about right. It was limp. But as always, Casey’s hair was not.

Crystal Bowersox stuck to her roots and sang Melissa Etheridge’s “Come to My Window” and even though she is basically the second coming of Etheridge, it wasn’t really all that great. Ellen DeGeneres chose “Maybe I’m Amazed” for her second song and it was much better, but somehow it feels like Crystal’s talent has leveled off. When Ryan Seacrest asked her how she felt about her performance, she responded “I’m glad I’ve got my mike stand and my friends and my health, and my son is healthy and that’s what it’s about,” which, sure, that’s if you’re looking at the big picture. But that’s not what the show is about. Health schmealth, this thing is about winning.

Lee DeWyze was the night’s clear winner despite Simon Cowell choosing one of the world’s most overdone songs for him. Look, “Hallelujah” is awesome, but it’s also a song that has been ruined by too many covers. Having said that, though, Lee hit it out of the park. He also fared well with his own choice of “Simple Man,” which suited him and his sad, paint store eyes. Kara DioTardyForTheParty said he was the “heart of the season”.  Well, maybe the heart of the last 4 episodes.

Tonight, we’re all coming down with Bieber Fever. And one of the contestants will die from it. Metaphorically speaking. Or whatever. And since the contestants all went through the trouble of visiting their hometowns, check out our gallery of images from their visits!

[Photos: Getty Images]

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