by (@hallekiefer)

Contagion Trailer Confirms Fear That Gwyneth Paltrow Will Cause Your Death

You always had a lurking suspicion that Gwyneth Paltrow would somehow be the death of you, though before today you assumed it would be the result of terminal eye rolling induced by a DVD of Country Strong, rather an unstoppable outbreak of the bird flu. Either way, now you can see your fear play out in real time in the new Contagion trailer, which has Paltrow turning up the sweaty jaundice as the first victim of a global pandemic that the CDC must race to contain. So basically it looks like Outbreak, but with an Academy Award-winning actress instead of a little escaped monkey.

Costarring Matt Damon, Laurence Fishburne, Kate Winslet and Jude Law, the thriller is currently scheduled for release September 9 of this year. Of course, it’s not fair to place all the blame on a diseased Paltrow. As Jude puts it in the trailer, “No one has to weaponize the bird flu. The birds are doing that.” So really the film seems more like The Happening, but with pigeons instead of tress. We warned you: whatever you do, do not let your eyes start rolling. There’s not telling if they can ever be stopped!

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Laurence Fishburne Leaving CSI Despite Plot Cliffhanger

Unresolved plot threads? Sounds like a problem for someone who gives a crap! Laurence Fishburne is leaving CSI, according to Deadline, despite the opportunity to renew his contract. The Matrix actor joined the cast in 2008, following the departure of long time lead William Petersen. Fishburne has two high profile movies, Thurgood and Contagion, planned for release this year. Coincidentally, Law & Order SVU lead Christopher Meloni also decided to not to return to his hit crime procedural for the 2011-2012 season.

While the site’s source doesn’t sound shocked, “nobody expected him to be on the show for 7 years, it’s Laurence Fishburne,” they obviously didn’t see it coming when they filmed last season’s finale, in which his character murders a serial killer in cold blood. Apparently any resolution to that plot will have to happen off screen, presumably with his Ray Langston being sent to the slammer unseen. Hopefuly CBS will remember this lesson with Ashton Kutcher—Charlie may have been on a plane to Paris at the end of last season, but Two And A Half Men can’t hope to be so lucky again.

[Photo: CBS]

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Laurence Fishburne Wishes Daughter Montana Used A Fake Porn Name

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Hasn’t everyone played the game of coming up with their porn-star name? The name of your childhood pet and the street you grew up on (or, another variation would be your favorite stuffed animal and the street you grew up on.) We would be Midge Loring, after our dear departed pet bunny. We can think of one person whose life would be so much easier right about now, if only she had used a fake name. Porn star Montana Fishburne has created quite the rift with her father Laurence now that she has released a porn flick through Vivid Entertainment.

Her relationship with him, she says, is strained (ya think?). He reportedly told her “I’m not going to speak with you ’till you turn your life around.” The kicker though was when he told her “You used your last name. No one uses their real name in porn.” To that, we have to tip our hat to the elder Fishburne for summing up this entire situation so tersely and honestly. Montana has been marketing the sex tape as “An A-List Daughter Making Her XXX Debut” but we’re pretty sure that she’d sell just as many tapes going by Fluffy Runyon Canyon or whatever pet/road combination you get growing up in L.A.

[Photo: Splash News Online]