If you watched the two-hour Jersey Shore season premiere last night, one twelfth of your entire day was spent watching Deena cry and Snooki be pregnant. It felt good, right? Familiar? Call us clinically insane, but having the gang back under one (well, maybe two) dysfunctional roofs for a final season felt right to us. Considering the cast was so comfortable, they didn’t give a second thought to the words coming out of their mouths, we assume they must have felt the same way.
We knew this day would come. We just didn’t know it would be so soon. Variety announced today that MTV has decided to pull the plug on Jersey Shoreafter the show’s upcoming sixth season. Honestly, we applaud their restraint. It would have been way too easy to keep on trucking down the Jersey Turnpike until Snooki‘s baby started having babies. Better to go out on top, we say. The top being a massively pregnant Snooki shoving The Situation into the hot tub, of course. Besides, there are already so many things we’ll miss after JS is off the air, and we’d like to be able to haul ourselves off the bathroom floor after two, maybe three days of hysterical crying at the most. Things like:
We here at VH1 Celebrity pride ourselves on the fact that we are equal opportunity oglers. Of course, the paparazzi aren’t as egalitarian, so when we went about putting together today’s Bikini Awards contest, the Mankinis (sorry, but we promise no Speedos), we had a much more limited selection. Photographers were on hand to capture the likes of Joe Manganiello, Channing Tatum, Justin Bieber, Harry Styles and Shemar Moore, but they really didn’t present the sheer quantity of angles and attention to detail as they did for, say, Adriana Lima. But through our hard work and perseverance, we made sure to bring you the best of the man flesh on display, including three meaty servings from the Jersey Shore, the always shapely form of Mark Wahlberg, the unwaxed masterpiece that is Hugh Jackman, One Direction’s delicious Liam and Louis, and the deceptively sweet-faced James Marsden and Patrick Schwarzenegger. Ogle away, and then vote for your favorite. Polls close July 15 at 11 p.m. ET!
Having to pay a fine for “failing to use to the sidewalk” has to be the most embarrassing thing Deena Cortese has had to deal with since joining Jersey Shore (Just kidding! Here are photos of her bathing suit falling down). We’re glad Deena won’t face criminal charges after being hauled in for disorderly conduct last month, but there is something deeply funny about having to pay the government money in order to make up for your drunken street dancing. Of course, Deena isn’t the only Jersey devil who’s had a hilariously random interaction with the legal system. Here are our favorite Jersey Shore legal matters that had Snooki & Co. checking out the inside of a courtroom, not to mention breaking a penal code or two…
We’ve hyperventilated before about the massive amount of cash the Jersey Shore cast earns for eating pickles and falling out of their platforms, so we’ll spare you our hysterics. Just know that we are literally eating ramen while we writing the words: “several Jersey Shore cast members earn $2.55 million dollars a season.” According to RadarOnline, that is. Interested to know the alleged breakdown of each cast member’s salary? Do you screen your phone calls because Sallie Mae is after you about your unpaid student loans? The answer to both of these queries, we’re assuming, is yes:
Snooki, The Situation and Pauly D: As denoted by the fact they all have nicknames, this trifecta are the top Jersey dogs, reportedly pull in $150,000 per episode, not counting the $400,000 signing bonus they allegedly raked in at the beginning of the show’s most recent season, a $200,000 end-of-season bonus and any additional reunion episodes. With 12 episodes a season….carry the one and…yup, we were fools to go to grad school. A Master’s in Fine Arts?!?! What were we thinking?
JWoww & Vinny: Jennie pulls in $100,000 an ep, while Vinny gets $90,000. If you calculated out their hour wage, you’d realize they basically earn $10,000 every time they fall asleep in a tanning bed. Read more…
Just when we thought we were out, Snooki and the Jersey Shore gang pull us back in. If you thought last year’sJersey Shore: Italy season was a genius idea, then we have excellent news about the show’s upcoming season. “I believe that they were looking at Vegas and Australia, two places I would love to go,” Jersey star Ronnie Ortiz-Magro revealed to Huffington Post’s Rob Shuter. “I don’t know if we would make it back from Vegas, but I’m pretty sure we would love to go to Vegas.” As if Las Vegas needed to smell more like bronzer or hair spray. As if Australia needed more beer drinkers or tiny adorable koala-like creatures.
On one hand, Vegas seems like the perfect place to up the ante on the Jersey Shore cast’s particular brand of fist-pumping debauchery (plus the cast seems to head there every other week anyway). On the other hand, Australia has something like the top three most poisonous land snakes in the world. Plus Fosters! “I want to do this as long as the fans keep watching,” Ronnie says about the show that made him a household name. “I will do it in Depends and a walker.” Oh, but why make us wait for Jersey Shore: Assisted Living Facility? Just put Deena in a diaper now! Please?
You guys, we just watched the Jersey Shore season five trailer and, well, it felt like renewing our vows. We promised to watch Snooki and the gang in sickness and in health, and between the milk fights, crab flinging and cake strippers, it looks like this season is going with sickness. Kicking off January 5, Jersey Shorefinds the sepia-hued gang back in Seaside Heights for more thrills, spills (of the Meatball variety) and Deena falling down under an overstuffed garbage bag. And Deena crying. And Deena almost getting knocked off a dock by an exceptionally large breeze. Either way, we picked out seven moments that made us think that season five might be the best season of all. The duck phone forever!
We guess the Jersey Shore cast didn’t get an invite to Kim Kardashian‘s wedding, but it looks like they had a pretty awesome weekend anyway! Shore-sters Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Snooki each had their own pool parties in hip Vegas hotels. Maybe they just learned that tans don’t just come in booths and bottles?
Ron-Ron’s poolside shindig was held at the REHAB club in the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. Upon entering he paid tribute to one of his JS mates by stripping off his shirt and showing off some killer abs that would put The Situation to shame. This certainly ain’t no shy Ronnie! Once he got inside, Ronnie was reportedly chatting it up with numerous bikini’d babes. What’s Sammi Sweetheart gonna say!?
Snooki’s pool bash was help at the WET Republic pool in the MGM Grand hotel. The poofed one rocked a very Hot Topic-y coverup look with red ‘n’ black stripes and a studded belt overtop her animal print bikini. Grrrrr, pickles beware. Snooki seems to be having a blast out west, and is even finding time to create a new dialect. “Vegas killz me lmao,” she tweeted. “N donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t correct my english cuz I say what I want n I make up my own languagez, bitches. :)”
Who do you think has the hottest (and most orangey) beach bod? Check out the gallery below and see!
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