by (@unclegrambo)

Sammi Sweetheart Looked Great At The VMAs, But Did She Look Too Great?

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Yes yes, we know, we’re just as sick of talking about the 2010 Video Music Awards as you are. THAT SAID! We were watching the show again last night — clearly, we’re gluttons for punishment — and noticed something that we didn’t initially process on Sunday night. Namely, that Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola of Jersey Shore fame looked, to quote Zoolander, “really, really, ridiculously good looking.” But did she look too good-looking?

We’re not sure if it was the lighting, her makeup, or the particular blend of her spray tan that night, but there was definitely something different about the Jersey Shore cast member. Considering that cameras have been filming everyone’s favorite guidos since February pretty much non-stop, we can’t (and won’t!) say with any certainty that Sammi has had work done (though commenters on both Television Without Pity and Long Island Families aren’t exactly holding back their opinions). Instead, we’ve put together a few snaps of Sammi that range from the glorious day that that the Jersey Shore cast members were first introduced until the present day. What conclusions do YOU draw?

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by (@hallekiefer)

McCain Says Snooki’s Too Hot For Jail, Finally Proves That He’s Cooler Than Obama

mccain-snooks-550rnrnIn a desperate attempt to seem hip to young people, John McCain once again spills the beans about his hopeless crush on Snooki, this time during a radio interview. Yesterday, the former Presidential candidate practically swooned into the microphone while talking to Phoenix’s KMLE, agreeing that, “I kind of think she might be too good looking to go to jail,” when asked about the Jersey Shore star’s recent run-in with the law. So, did his handlers just show John McCain a picture of Snooki and say, “This is what people find attractive now”? Or did they have to Photoshop a bustle and parasol onto her before he really got it? Because, seriously, ew. rnrnAlso, let’s be honest here, people. As much as we love and cherish our Snickers (almost too much, our therapists would argue), she …how should we put this… she definitely has the goods to be crowned Miss Edna Mahan Correctional Facility for Women 2010. That poof was born to conceal a shiv, a pack of smokes, and a slightly smaller poof underneath it. Luckily for McCain, his infatuation is far from one-sided; the May-December lovebirds have tweeted at each other, and Snooki has mentioned before that she thought the 73-year-old Senator is “really cute.” Which, once again, ew. rnrnWe, on the other hand, continue to be baffled by how hard McCain is working to seem relevant to the younger generations. Is this going to be part of his 2012 campaign? God help us if knowing about Snooki determines whether or not someone will be elected leader of the free world. Wait a minute…we know EVERYTHING about Snooki! Get the Palin on the phone; we’ve got a nation to lead! [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

J-Woww’s Stuff, Like Her Boyfriend, Vanishes

Poor Jenni “J-Woww” Farley. She recently got the boot from her (now ex-) boyfriend Tom Lippolis. Reason being she kept misplacing her tongue, only to find it down other dude’s throats. Totally not her fault.

Now, similarly, J-Woww’s stuff has apparently vanished from the Journal Square, NY home that she and Lippolis shared. It’s been confirmed by the Nassau County P.D that Farley filed a complaint, but that’s all that can be revealed at the moment as the investigation is ongoing. We don’t know what’s missing, but clearly her hair products clearly haven’t gone anywhere. Lippolis is quick to deny any involvement stating, “I took nothing but my own belongings and my bed.”

She didn’t forget that she moved into someone else’s house, did she?

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki Vows To Stop Drinking (During The Daytime, That Is)

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After her recent run-in with the boys in blue, Snooki has been surprisingly reflective in interviews (and no, we’re not referring to the glare of her hot dog-colored skin). Quoth the Snicks, “I just felt really bad, so I’m definitely going to stop drinking during the daytime.” Jeez Louise, why don’t you just join a nunnery while you’re at it!? Look, we don’t watch reality television to see people act responsibly and make mature decisions; we watch it to find out who is going to be the first person to throw up in the hot tub (our money’s on Ronnie!).

Snickers also admitted that her appeal doesn’t stop at the schoolhouse door:  “When I see 7 year-olds, they’re like, ‘Oh, I envy you.’ I’m like, ‘Why? You’re seeing me party.’” Why Snooki is even interacting with 7 year-olds in the first place, we may never know. We blame the schools! But seriously, the only reason a little kid would think Snooki is cool is because she is approximately the same height and size of a first-grader; they probably just confused and assumed she was their age, which is totally understandable, AND would actually make for a pretty amazing show.  It would just be the regular Jersey Shore crew and one outrageous 7-year-old with a giant poof and a Capri Sun bong. Don’t front, you know you’d watch it. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@unclegrambo)

Breaking: Snooki Arrested By Jersey Shore Police For Disorderly Conduct

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In the first season of Jersey Shore, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was “Snookin’ For Love.” However, during the third season, it appears that she’ll be “Snookin’ For Bail Money” instead. The diminuitive Princess of Poughkeepsie was just arrested by New Jersey police on domestic disturbance charges. Not many details are available right now, but TMZ is reporting that she was bonging beers on the beach all afternoon long. We’ll keep you posted as we learn more.

Oh, before we go, FREE SNOOKI!

[Photo: Splash News]

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by (@hallekiefer)

The Situation Angling to Appear on Dancing with the Stars

In an effort to extend his career past the somewhat limiting boundaries of GTL, The Situation is purportedly eyeing a spot on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. And, you know, we think it’s a great fit!

The professional dancers on the show are so covered with shiny, rippling muscles, and their clothes so gaudy and bedazzled, DWTS might be the only place The Sitch truly feels at home. It’s also the only show on the planet where he might put his hands up in his make-up chair and say, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Aren’t we going a little overboard with the tanning?” Haha, just kidding, you know he would just use the show as the ultimate excuse to get even tanner and more jacked. By the end of the season he’d probably look like a juiced-up Slim Jim in tuxedo pants. Did we say first season? We meant first episode.

“But what about his moves?”, you are all probably screaming at your computers right now. What a great question! As of now, it seems like The Sitch’s moves might be limited to violently beating up the beat and rhythmically grinding his crotch into everything that isn’t a coat rack; the only mamboing we’ve heard of him doing is of the mattress/hot tub variety. That said, we’d like to imagine that with a little training he could deliver the kind of elegant pelvic gyrations that would make Len Goodman’s tie stand up on end and dance like a snake rising out of a basket. Hmmm, the Snake Charmer…that has a nice ring to it, too.

[Photo: Terry's Diary]