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  • Season 1, Ep 3

How to Be Friends with Hens

After running into several Moms from her kids’ school, Nicole becomes concerned that they treat her differently because of her partying past.

aired 07/31/2014 · 19:53

- HI.

- WELCOME TO BELLA FARMS.- HI, HOW ARE YOU?

- HOW ARE YOU?- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- HI. ROGER.- WELCOME.

- NICE TO MEET YOU, ROGER.- HI, HOW ARE YOU?

ARE YOU GUYS GAY PARTNERS?

- WE JUST GOT MARRIED.

- CONGRATULATIONS.- YEAH, THANKS.

- SEE, I THINK GAY FARMING--THIS IS VERY MELLOW.

- THIS IS VERY MELLOW.- YEAH.

SO HOW MANY CHICKENSDO YOU GUYS HAVE?

- ABOUT 25.- DO THEY CUDDLE WITH YOU?

- NO.- ARE THEY GLUTEN-FREE?

- NO.

- WHAT IF I'M LIKE,"LET ME JUST GIVE YOU

A LITTLE KISS,AND LET'S TAKE A SELFIE"?

- THEY'LL POSE FOR A SELFIE.

- WHAT ARE THE BEST BREEDSFOR A FAMILY WITH KIDS?

- UM...- BLACK GIANTS.

- I WOULD LOVEA BUNCH OF BLACK GIANTS.

[chicken clucks]

I JUST WANT SOMETHINGREALLY KIND OF EXOTIC.

- NATURAL, YEAH.

- KIND OF LIKE THE MIDDLEEASTERN OF CHICKENS, YOU KNOW?

- WE HAVETHIS CUTE, LITTLE JAPANESE HEN

THAT WE CALL KAMI.

SHE'S VERY FRIENDLY,BUT SHE LAYS VERY SMALL EGGS.

- YEAH, THE JAPANESE AREJUST SO SMALL.

- THEY'RE SO FORWARD-THINKINGTHOUGH.

- YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.- LIKE, COMPACT.

- THEY'RE LIKE, "WE'RE GONNAMAKE IT MINIATURE AND DOPE."

- AND CUTE.both: YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.- [gasps]

- NO.- YES.

- BIRD DANDER.

- OH.- [shrieks]

- OH, MY--[whimpers]

OH, MY GOD,I'M GONNA DIE.

[shrieks]OH, MY GOD.

- DO THEY NEED, LIKE,A PILL OR SOMETHING?

- I DO.

- THERE AREA LOT OF SIMILARITIES

- DID YOU FIND EVERYTHINGALL RIGHT?

- YES, I DID.- EXCELLENT.

- DO YOU HAVE A DOZENOF EACH ONE OF THESE EGGS?

A DOZEN OF EACH COLOR?- SURE.

- OKAY.AND THEY'RE, LIKE, LEGIT?

DEFINITELY, LIKE, ORGANIC?

- THEY'RE DEFINITELY ORGANIC.- OKAY.

AND ARE THERE ANY OTHER, LIKE,HIDDEN COLORS?

DO YOU HAVE--LIKE,IF I PAY MORE,

CAN I GET, LIKE, A SECRET COLOR?

- NO.- NO.

IT'S JUST MY CHICKENS--THEY'RE NOT LAYING RIGHT NOW.

- SEASONAL.- SEASONAL, YEP.

- YOU DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKEA CHICKEN LADY TO ME.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?LOOK AT MY SHIRT.

DUH, I'M A CHICKEN LADY.LOOK AT MY BRAIDS.

- OKAY, I SEE.- YEAH, LIKE, YOU KNOW--

[clucks]

- YOU JUST WANT SOME FANCY EGGS.- IT'S NOT FANCY.

IT'S THAT I HAVE TO GOTO THIS STUPID PARTY.

AND SO I JUST WANT TO WALK IN

WITH JUST, LIKE,EVERY COLOR POSSIBLE,

JUST BALLS OUT, LIKE,"WHAT, LOOK AT MY EGGS,

YOU [bleep] BITCH."

YOU KNOW?- OH.

- I'LL TAKEJUST A PLETHORA OF EGGS.

- YOU GOT IT.- THANKS.

- AND THE SQUASH?

- I JUST LIKED ITBECAUSE IT WAS IN THE SHAPE

OF A BIG BALL AND A WIENER.

- ARE THOSE EGGS REALLYFROM YOUR CHICKEN FARM?

- [sighs]ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS.

THEY'RE NOT MY EGGS, OKAY?

BUT I GOT THEM BECAUSE YOU GUYSALWAYS JUDGE ME.

- WHAT?- WE DON'T JUDGE YOU.

- YOU GUYS NEVERINVITE ME ANYWHERE,

AND YOU DON'T RESPECT MEFOR THE ADULT THAT I AM.

SO I HAD TO, LIKE,GO TO GOD KNOWS WHERE

AND BUY CHICKENS,AND THEN AFTER I BOUGHT THEM,

REALIZE THEY DON'T LAY EGGS.

THEN I HAD TO DRIVE TO GLENDALEAND PICK OUT

ALL THESERAINBOW-COLORED EGGS...

- WHY WOULD DO ALL THAT?- AND DRIVE CAREFULLY

DOWN HERE TO A PARTYTHAT I EVEN WASN'T INVITED TO.

- CRAZY.

- YOU DID NOT NEED TO GOTHROUGH ALL THAT TROUBLE.

- BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME?

- I MEAN, WE JUST DIDN'T THINK

THAT YOU WOULD REALLY CARETO COME.

- MM-HMM.

- LIKE, YOU HAVEA MILLION EVENTS YOU CAN GO TO.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO COMETO THIS LITTLE--

- YOU KNOW, IT'S A LITTLE LONELYGOING TO SCHOOL

AND NOT HAVING ANYONE SAY,"OH, HEY, NICOLE."

- BUT YOU NEVER SAID,"OH, HEY," EITHER.

YOU COULD SAY IT TO US TOO.

- THAT'S A--THAT IS A GOOD POINT.

- I THOUGHT YOU JUST DIDN'T HAVEAN INTEREST

IN KNOWING US, HONESTLY.

- SO YOU LIKE ME?- YES.

YES.- OF COURSE. WHY WOULDN'T WE?

- YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING BADABOUT ME?

all: NO.

- HAVE YOU SAID ANYTHING BADABOUT US?

- NEVER IN MY LIFE.NEVER.

- WE SHOULD JUST HANG OUT.

- WE HAVE A BOOK CLUB.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN USTHIS FRIDAY?

- THAT SOUNDS GREAT,EXCEPT I LIKE TO KEEP

MY FRIDAY NIGHTS OPEN.

BUT I LOVE THATYOU GUYS INVITED ME

AND DEFINITELY WANT TO BEINVITED TO MORE THINGS.

- COME WITH US TO COFFEE.- YES.

- THURSDAY.- THUR--OH, NO.

NOT THIS THURSDAY.

LIKE, A WEDNESDAY IS NO.

MONDAY, TUESDAY, LIKE,DEFINITELY A MAYBE.

- DEFINITELY A MAYBE.- OKAY.

- YEAH.- ALL RIGHT.

- I LOVE US.