| Fri. 08 25. 2006 12:00 AM EDT
We all know the scene. Summer's over and it's time to pack the car with books, laptop and teddy bear, blast Tom Cochrane's "Life is a Highway," and begin the greatest adventure a young adult can have--college. We all know the next scene, too: Pull into the dorm parking lot, and prepare for creepy roommates, nimrod jocks, and the possibility of
Core curriculum: Booze, babes, the occasional food fight Toga!!! Extra credit: John Belushi gives a lesson in music appreciation when he hears "I Gave My Love a Cherry." What we learn: Consider it a privileged look into the kind of hijinks George W. Bush was up to during his Yale years. Core curriculum: An anthropological look at the generation who would go on to build the iPod. Extra credit: Robert Carradine lives out every nerd's fantasy -- banging a hot chick while dressed as Darth Vader. What we learn: Social standing will not be improved by making friends with someone called "Booger." Core curriculum: Tall & Fat clothing magnate Rodney Dangerfield goes to college armed with the best one-liners money can by. For the mature student. Extra credit: Dangerfield gets his paper on Kurt Vonnegut ghost-written by ... Kurt Vonnegut. What we learn: How to drop studly chat-up lines like "Your favorite subject's poetry? Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow." Core curriculum: How to deal with those eccentric English Lit. professors who have a Masters in Tennessee Williams, but are still doing a correspondence course on life. Extra credit: What we learn: There really isn't much difference between being a grad student and being someone who teaches a grad student. Core curriculum: Val Kilmer heads up a brain trust of freaks 'n' geeks at Pacific Tech. Yep, going to college means learning something, too. Extra credit: Turns out being socially awkward isn't such a drag as long as your room-mate can make slugs for the coffee machine out of liquid nitrogen. What we learn: That most real geniuses grow up to do horrible things for the Pentagon. Core curriculum: Interested in studying abroad? Let rebellious fish-out-water Rob Lowe be your guide to the university that put the "Great" in Great Britain. Extra credit: Despite being from the arid state of Nevada, Lowe somehow manages to qualify for the most refined rowing team in Europe. What we learn: That we would have been better off renting Brideshead Revisited. Core curriculum: Experience college sports from the sidelines and--who knows--maybe get a chance to save the day in that all-important big game. Extra credit: Savor Adam Sandler saying things like "Alligators are ornery 'cause of their medulla oblongata," in what can only be described as Creole Sandler-ese. What we learn: Having a good tackle can compensate for a grape-picker's knowledge of English. Core curriculum: It's boyz n the campus as Omar Epps, Ice Cube and Tyra Banks enroll in Columbus University, a racial hotbed divided into Chinatown, the Black Hole, Disneyland and South of the Border. Extra credit: Michael Rapaport, who has made a career about of pretending to be black in movies like Bamboozled, shows his range by playing a racist, homophobic hayseed-turned-skinhead. What we learn: The ivy-covered halls are as dangerous as Compton. Core curriculum: Discover Camden College, where experimentation of all kinds is encouraged and the syllabus includes Gangbang 101, Freebase Tutorial, and Oral Sex Workshop. Extra credit: Drug dealing male sluts. Bisexual seducers. End of the World Parties. Well, you won't confuse this one with Animal House. What we learn: That Attraction author Bret Easton Ellis definitely had a better freshman year than we did. Core curriculum: You've graduated, so now what? How about waiting tables (Emilio Estevez), writing your novel (Andrew McCarthy) or, if you're Demi Moore, snorting up every last drug in Georgetown? Extra credit: Rob Lowe (again) manages to make failing at everything seem like a rather sexy proposition. What we learn: "We're all going through this," notes Lowe. "It's our time at the edge." Cue that John Paar theme tune... |
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