Jackson Family Crap: Cooler Than Your Family Crap

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Today, the Jackson Family Auction kicks off, which means people with too much money will be able to take a little piece of the Jackson home. For the rest of us, it means that we get to virtually rummage through the Jacksons’ crap as shot after shot of the auction lots are posted online. We win! I mean, try to not gawk at this:

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What is it? Probably some film prop. Why did Michael Jackson own it? A few thousand plastic surgeries ago, it provided a model for the face MJ would come to own:

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And there’s more beauty below!

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MJ’s old face revealed!

There are some costumes:

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The “Smooth Criminal” hat…

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Some sunglasses that you could buy on any damn New York street corner for, like, $5…

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A bulletproof vest-slash-nursing bib…

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And then there are the incredibly kitschy pictures that are best described as sub-art school.

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(The painting on the right looks like a Garbage Pail Kids version of MJ, perhaps called “Michael Fatson.” Mike was never that big! With all of his self-image issues, can you believe he held onto that painting at all? It’s shocking he didn’t burn it up like a Pepsi commercial.)

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That’s truly gorgeous, as only painted black velvet can be.

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This seriously could have come from anyone’s garage!

And finally, the undoubted main piece of interest of the auction…

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A giant, beyond life-size cut-out of La Toya Jackson. Since those supposed naked portraits of kids and sex toys have yet to surface, this La Toya thing more than does its part to shock and terrify.

[All images: Getty]