In most venues, the “green room” is where an artist waits to take the stage. But in The Next Great American Band, it also holds the trap door that drops the losers into oblivion. On Friday night, voters pulled the lever on The Hatch and The Light of Day. Did you hear their screams for help as they plummeted? Did you see their tears? Well, no big loss. Both outfits were mawkish and generic, and ultimately we knew they’d head home with their Strats between their legs. .
Friday’s show was about three things: band names, Elton John, and bad singing. Here’s the list.
Sixwire: The ersatz Eagles outfit adored by all three judges once called themselves The Remnants. Their version of “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” sounded like Kenny Loggins fronting REO.
Tres Bien: a fan once asked if their moniker meant “Three Beans.” Viewers know that it actually means “Garage Band version of the Turtles,” though Dicko rightly busted ‘em for pilfering a Yardbirds vibe.
Franklin Bridge: Evidently they’ve always been named FB, explaining that it’s a crucial connector that unites Jersey with Philly. Yawn. Their spin on 24-7 Spyz has some prog to it; nice to hear the funkateers getting their Yes on. Yours is no disgrace.
The Clarke Brothers: Early on, the twang sibs wanted to call themselves both Sasafras and Shotgun Wedding, but they stuck with the tedious surname approach. Their spin through “Country Comfort” gave Johnny Rzeznik “goosebumps.”
Light of Doom: The metal Hanson have always been Light of Doom. They even played a song called “Light of Doom.” And, god love ‘em, they haven’t a clue as to what the name might represent. They also haven’t a clue as to the real name of Elton’s lyricist. “Here’s a version of a song by Elton John and Bernie Poppin‘,” said the lead longhair before tearing into “Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting.”
Dot Dot Dot: They grabbed the elipsis name from a bud when his band called Dot Dot Dot went belly up. Their glam-goth romp through “Your Song” was a bust, with Dicko taking the singer to task for “affectation.”
Old No.7: It’s either the name of Grizzly Adams‘s pal’s mule, or “a certain liquid from Tennessee,” or both. They’re always a hoot, and their Vegas chapel banjo breakdown was dedicated to “Britney Spears and her first husband.”
The Muggs: Pedestrian name for a pedestrian band, they said they added the extra “g” for some extra oomph. That didn’t stop Dicko from deeming ‘em “tuneless rubbish” and suggesting they turn the trio to a foursome by adding a vocalist. Flashing his punk roots, the lead dude smirked right back at the middle-aged Aussie and gave the idea a thumbs down. That’s what you get from a guy who drops Howlin’ Wolf‘s name on national TV.
Rocket: More Go-Gos than Donnas this week, but Belinda-less however you slice it. Sheila E said the singer’s efforts were “horrific.”They were, but her Avrilesque response was cool: I am who I am.
Denver and the Mile High Orchestra: They copped to the fact the there name sucked but won over the crowd with some disco.
NEXT TO FALL
I’m thinking the Muggs and Denver are headed for Sayonara City this Friday. What are you thinking?