Britney: Cherry Poppin’ at Fourteen?

by (@katespencer)

britney-coverjpg.jpgUs Weekly has Britney back on their cover this week, and amazingly she’s looking a lot better than she has in recent months! Oh wait – a slower look has revealed to us that the girl on the cover is Britney from about 15 years ago. Whoops. They really had our hopes up there for a second! The mag is accusing Britney of faking her squeaky clean, virginal image from years past and alleges that she lost her virginity at the age of 14 to her hometown love Reg Jones. That whole purity thing with Justin Timberlake was supposedly all a scam too, and the mag says Brit and JT were actually knockin’ boots the entire time! Even worse, they dig up some real dirty stuff from her past – like her grandma who shot herself in the chest on the grave of her dead child, for example. Her great uncle Earnest Spears even weighs in on Britney, saying, “She didn’t have a hope of turning out normal.”

While not quite as salacious as a shotgun-wielding, suicidal grandma and an early-aged sex fest, we tend to think Britney’s recent life events have more to do with her current spiral towards disaster than some guy she got with as a teenager. If you consider that:

  1. The girl got famous at 16
  2. Brit traveling with world with no parental supervision whatsoever
  3. She earned gajillions taunting ogling dudes (and little kids) with her abs
  4. She got stuck with a loser husband, two babies, post-partum depression and a divorce in just two years

Well, she seems to be doing reasonably well given the past ten crappy years of her life. [Us Weekly]