When your man is making out with someone who’s standing mere inches away from you, it’s best to think happy thoughts and pretend it isn’t happening.
Since Flav already spoiled it, we all know that today is parents’ day. Black reads the corresponding Flav Mail.
It includes the line, “Let?s hope there?s no Sister Pattersons in the bunch?” Is he crazy? I spend part of every day of my life hoping to encounter someone as singularly sensational as Sister Patterson. Instead of seconds at dinner, I ask my mom, “More Sister P, please?” And then she breathes fire at me and scratches me with her talons and my heart can rest a little longer.
The girls must clean the house and soon it becomes apparent that one of the toilets is clogged.
Hotlanta is blamed for this, except, how long has she been out of the house at this point? It’s been weeks since she left the show, so we can assume at least a few days if not a week or two in real time, which: gross! Even if Hotlanta started it, the girls still in the house are the ones who let it mellow this long. For shame, for real!
Turn that frown back around on yourself, Seezinz.
The parents begin to arrive.
That’s Brenda and Paul, Thing 2′s parents. Immediately, Flav endears himself to Brenda with some such nonsense.
Seriously, it’s, like, way too easy.
Sinceer’s dad is the next to arrive. His name is Dave, and his presence makes Sinceer feel better because now people can understand where she gets her interest in alcohol from.
Finally, Seezinz’s parents arrive (none of Black’s family could make it).
Their names are Donna and Steve, and they’re a lot more apprehensive than the other folks.
Immediately, Donna begins grilling Flav, and I’m not gonna lie: it’s pretty awesome. “What are your intentions? What is it that you are planning from this moment forward with our daughter?” she fires. “What good can come out of this, out of curiosity?” adds Steve, in a clear attempt to out-awesome his wife. Finally, Donna asks if Flav’s ever been married and how many kids he has. Flav is visibly disturbed at this interrogation, not realizing that he dredges up the girls’ past and makes them face it in much the same way, and in fact, is generally a lot more punishing about it. It’s not like he has to rely on Donna for his clock, you know? To his credit, he does explain himself to a point, saying that though he wants three more children, he’s not going to make them with just anyone. He’ll pick someone whose real name he can remember! Kidding. He’ll pick someone he wants to settle down with. Temporarily. Not kidding, probably.
It should be noted that an increasingly mortified Seezinz is looking better than ever.
Embarrassment becomes her!
The first date to take place will be to a bowling alley with Thing 2′s and Sinceer’s peeps.
Clearly, Sinceer is having the time of her life.
Thing 2 scores a strike and is rewarded with a Flav makeout sesh.
“It felt real funny kissing those girls in front of their parents, but their parents didn’t seem to mind,” interviews Flav. Perhaps they minded on the inside.
Thing 2 bowls granny-style…
…which is perhaps less disconcerting than bowling tranny-style. (Don’t ask.) Meanwhile, Sinceer runs all the way down the runway or whatever you call it…
This surprises me not. Sinceer makes her own rules. She’s a rebel…and a loner, we come to find out! She interviews that it was during this date that she realized that Thing 2 was her biggest competition.
Look at the difference in focus between them. They’re already growing apart!
Back at home, Thing 2′s mother notes that the bond between her daughter and Sinceer is problematic.
“Your sister left and then you two attached?” she wonders. Seriously, the conjoined imagery NEVER. ENDS. Thing 2 agrees that it might be best to sever her ties with Sinceer, who just happens to go upstairs as they’re having this conversation.
Get ready for a big non-surprise!
Meanwhile, Seezinz, her parents and Black go miniature golfing with Flav.
After, they eat and Seezinz’s mother, who’s still keeping Flav at arms’ length, notes that she’s making a mess.
To this, Flav responds with what could be the least clever thing he’s ever said on tape. And, really, that’s saying something. “Messes were made to make!” Is that, like, Eastern philosophy or something? How many babies can you fit in a tire, much?
Seezinz’s mom confesses that Flav’s growing on her. She’s gone from this…
So whatever Flav’s doing, even if it’s spouting redundant nonsense, it’s right. Great job, Flav! He notes that he doesn’t consider himself to be “the best,” but he’s also not “the worst.” Proclamations were made to make, I suppose.
Flav notices that Black seems a little blue, so he takes her to the side.
He wonders why she couldn’t get anyone from her brood to attend this esteemed gathering. Her mother is going through a custody battle, and her grandparents are old and…who cares, let’s make out!
Back at home, Sinceer’s dad starts fulfilling his potential for awesomeness by announcing his intentions for the night:
Flav gathers everyone for a classy meal.
And! He has a special surprise guest…
…his mom, Anna Drayton. She’s always good for some hard-to-read intensity and judgmental staring. And there’s one man at the table who calls on her to harness her powers…
Dave would seem to be the life of the party, babbling and laughing and joking and immediately taking it way too far for people’s liking.
“I think there’s gonna be a Flavor 4!” he says. OMG, he totally went there. This guy could easily slip into the role of network exec. On having more grandchildren, he says, “I’m not into that!” How dare he suggest Sinceer not fulfill Flav’s pipe dream of having three more children?
Mama Anna is so not amused. I seriously wish these two would resolve this the only way you should resolve anything on reality TV and Jello wrestle.
Flav devises a brilliant plan to break the tension: having the girls talk about each other. Because that always works. The conceit is that everyone must say nice things, which means that everyone immediately starts lying. Black likes everyone (OK, this might not be a lie — it could just be that she’s misguided), Seezinz is overly complimentary and then there is Sinceer. Sinceer says she felt attacked when she tried to quash beef with Seezinz. She’s even less kind when it comes to Thing 2, as she’s obviously still reeling from overhearing Thing 2 and her mother talk about breaking their alliance. She starts with, “I’ll be nice…” which isn’t, really, you know?
Thing 2 is not amused.
Sinceer huffs and puffs a little bit before ending by describing Thing 2 as…
…”sincere.” Well, how ever did she think of that?
After an after-dinner reception in which Mama Anna tells everyone that she’s connected with them and, basically, if Flav doesn’t pick them, they might be better off, Sinceer steals away with Flav to warn him against picking Thing 2.
Basically, Sinceer says that Thing 2 is dependent and not a strong-enough woman for Flav. Does Flav really want a strong woman? I know he wants a strong womb. But woman? That remains to be seen.
Anyway, I guess Flav figures that he should want a strong woman (always so open to suggestion!), because he calls out Thing 2 on her supposed dependence.
And she, in turn, calls out Sinceer, who’s a lot less aggressive than you might expect.
Despite being called “skanless” by Thing 2, Sinceer is relatively poised in her dodging of the accusation. “He made it seem like you came to me because you have a twin,” she says shifting the blame to Flav. Not gonna lie: I’m a little disappointed that Sinceer isn’t more willing to own up to her mud-slinging. The conversation ends with Thing 2 telling her to, “Keep my name out your mouth.” Well, that was anti-climactic, now, wasn’t it?
And speaking of the climactic, it’s time for elimination. Black is looking particularly hot:
Both she and Seezinz get their clocks, which means Sinceer and Thing 2 are the Bottom 2, which means ARGUMENT!
The highlight of this spat is Thing 2 shrieking, “Yeah, I can?t help it that God blessed me with a twin, boo-boo!” As adorable as this is, it is not enough to save her. Flav asks both Thing 2 and Sinceer if he eliminated them, would they still love him. They both answer yes, proving at least a level of co-dependence, which Flav apparently wants but not, like, to a major degree. Or something. Flav calls Sinceer up to get her clock.
When Thing 2 approaches him, she says, “Why? Why?”
And, uh, seriously. Why? He’s just not into her, all of a sudden? Like, what?
Perhaps it’s just as well. Now she can look into being reattached to her twin. I wonder how much that surgery costs?