This week, the girls have to work with children. Of course, they’re used to that by now, since they’re living with the biggest kid of all.
As we open, we find Bay Bay Bay lamenting her situation with Real — she wants to move things into a more romantic territory. As she’s expressing this via voice-over interview, we watch her peruse her Bible.
It ain’t The Joy of Sex, but hey, there’s probably something in there that will help spice things up.
Meanwhile, Chance makes good on Rabbit’s demand for breakfast from the last elimination.
He makes her what he calls a “breakfast buddy,” which is kind of like a f***-buddy, except in the place of genitalia is bread, eggs, bacon, cheese and jelly.
Rabbit, not being unwise, eats a little bit of it and spits it out because it is clearly a culinary abomination.
She calls it “ghetto,” although that would seem to be the least of its problems.
Bubbles, meanwhile, finds herself jealous over Rabbit’s breakfast buddy.
“That was nice that he made Rabbit breakfast, but that was nice for Rabbit.” She wants her own disgusting concoction of starch, pork and sweet, damn it!
The girls get a vague Stallionaires Mail (is there any other kind?) that suggests they’ll be working with children today. Cali announces that she’ll be “making a baby tonight.” I wonder if she would have done that even without the note.
But yeah, kids it is.
The girls will be paired up with a child that will serve as their partner in a “Mother-Daughter” talent show. As Chance and Real announce this and pair the ladies and children up, they refer to the girls as “mommies” often enough to suggest a Freudian field day. At the very least, I bet at least one of them is really into preggie porn.
The pairing ceremony is of little consequence until we get to Milf, who practically leaps into the arms of her prepubescent partner.
She interviews, “I miss my son so much, I just want to hold this little boy and cry.” I guess it goes to show that no two mommy issues are alike.
The girls get to acquainting themselves and practicing. Bay Bay Bay learns a very important lesson about her boy:
And so, because of his apparently uncontrollable urge to do so, Bay Bay Bay convinces him to cuss…
…with his body. This marks the beginning of a small but important arm-fart subplot. I can’t believe it’s taken the Celebreality universe this long to get to it, but here we are.
Oh, and the whole time, Milf’s kid just colors a sign because Milf figures they’ll just get on stage and wing it. She explains, rather sadly, “We’re doing what mommies and sons do when daddies have too many other women around: we’re taking care of us.” That seems to come from experience. Ugh. I hate it when reality creeps into the reality show.
The talent show begins.
K.O. and her child are more wooden than the dummies in their laps.
Rabbit tosses around a pillow with her kid.
Risky says what we’re all thinking in response: “I’m not sure what talent throwing a pillow is, but it’s not working at all.” It’s not a talent; it’s a gift. Rabbit then has them change course entirely and break into a cheer.
Macho men that they are, Real and Chance are scandalized by this development.
Real says, “Ain’t no son of mine…” and then interviews, “She turned the kid from Reggie White into Richard Simmons.” This comes from a dude with the most notable perm on TV since…well, Richard Simmons, actually.
Corn Fed and her child play the harmonica and sing a bluesy number. One of the lines goes, “If Real doesn’t pick us, we might act like fools.” I really hope that Corn Fed realizes that the child will not be attending her date with Real.
Cali and her kid perform a magic show that…well, that sucks, actually. Cali’s no good at hiding what needs to be hidden for her tricks to really work. Her sleight of hand is slight, at best.
Bubbles introduces her act by saying, “Welcome to the most awesomest circus in the world,” as though we haven’t already been watching that for six weeks (or three years, depending on how you want to count it). Her child seems to be an accomplished gymnast.
And as for Bubbles herself: what a ribbon twirler. Savant-like, even.
As for Bay Bay Bay…
…arm-farts as usual.
Risky and her kid hula hoop for what seems like a very long time, but not long enough for the masculine taste of Chance and Real.
And then, there is Milf.
Milf prefaces this performance with: “I would describe our talent as showing a mommy and a little boy are strong together while the father sits back and picks who he wants to be with.” Um, agony, anyone?
I don’t know what’s sadder: the set-up or the fact that Milf tries to pass off working out as a talent.
Not on this show, lady.
Milf, unsurprisingly, does not win this challenge, especially since she treated her kid as a “prop,” according to Real (see two screen shots up). Bay Bay Bay honed her kid’s butt-less farting skill, but it was Corn Fed who truly impressed. She wins. On the other side, Risky dropped too many hula hoops, while Rabbit gay-recruited. Given Bubbles’ childlike nature, her performance was a true meeting of the minds. She wins! Yay!
After the performance, Milf goes to Real’s room to show him pictures of her child as she weeps.
We find out that Milf’s mother has legal custody of her child and that she smokes so much that her mother thinks she doesn’t have a right to talk to her son. Which: what? Smokes so much what and was she doing so immediately before entering Real’s room? Real hilariously regards her like a daddy who isn’t sure if this whole mommy thing is working out.
For her part, Bay Bay Bay rants about losing the challenge in certainly the greatest monologue this show has given us (and one of the best in any Celebreality show, in my estimation):
“I asked him what his talent was and he said, ‘Arm-farts.’ OK. So, I’m thinking as a mother, if I’m a mother and my baby wants to do arm-farts, you damn right. You can do a arm-fart, you can do a leg-fart. You can do whatever you want. You can be exactly what you want to be. You wanna be a fartaholic? Hey, you can do that, too.”
First, let us meditate on the conviction with which Bay Bay Bay says the word “fartaholic.” Second, it’s nice to know that Bay Bay Bay is open-minded enough that she would allow her child to express him- or herself through flatulence coming from any part of the body. Third, how the hell do you do a leg-fart? Regardless, I lift my glass of fartahol up to toast Bay Bay Bay for such a wonderful soliloquy.
The it’s time for the date. This date is notable mostly because Real and Chance wield unlit cigarettes throughout its duration. But also, because it is the beginning of the end for Bubbles.
Bubbles tells Chance that she hasn’t kissed him-kissed him (which is what you do when you like him-like him) because of her sensitivity. If she does that and sees him doing it with someone else, it will hurt her. And considering the rage the breakfast buddy inspired, what she says is plausible.
It’s all downhill from there, as they dine on a rooftop overlooking all of L.A.
As Real and Corn Fed peck passionately…
…Chance and Bubbles stare at them awkwardly.
(Not that you can blame them.)
Real notes the lack of chemistry between them and Bubbles opens up by saying that she’s not willing to open up. How Bubbles of her. Also, there’s this:
Those are her words and they aren’t ever elaborated upon. OK, whatever you say, Bubs. Bubbles goes on to explain that she doesn’t want to hurt Chance and that’s why she’s being honest with him.
Of course, she could have just been honest six episodes ago, but whatever. It’s hard to fault someone who’s so gentle and sensitive. Even Chance can’t be mad at her.
I like to think of that unlit cigarette as a muddled metaphor representing the torch he holds for her.
After all this Bubbles interviews that opening up about not wanting to open up made her feel “more closer to Chance.” Yeah, pushing someone away will do that.
Back at home, Corn Fed details the date to the other girls…
…she notes its “ruff-top” locale and the “mandolinist.” Bay Bay Bay is clearly disgusted.
Whatchu got against the Midwest, BBB?
Bay Bay Bay decides to shut it down when the time comes, to pull out the big guns and to put her freakum dress on:
She’s concerned about the way Real sees her, i.e. as just a friend.
Real merely reiterates all of her concerns. Just keepin’ it real!
Meanwhile, Bubbles and Milf commiserate over the pending elimination.
Really, I have nothing to add. I just wanted to make sure you caught Bubbles’ cleavage and Milf’s red leather. Or is that pleather?
Elimination breezes by. Chance gives Cali his first chain, while Real gives his to Corn Fed. Ruff-romance will do that to you. One highlight of this ceremony is K.O.’s prom chic.
You know, that sounds derisive, but it really isn’t: she’s never looked cuter.
In the end, Chance’s choice comes down to Rabbit and Bubbles. And in the words of the latter: duh! She’s going home.
Oh Bubbles, may you take to the wind and fly on like…bubbles. But without all the popping.
Bubbles says that her elimination hurts because she still wants to be with Chance. What hurts more is that she couldn’t keep up the charade any longer.
Real’s choice comes down to Milf and Bay Bay Bay. As he hasn’t made any move on the “romantic lover end” with the latter, the former gets his chain. But wait!
Real asks if Bay Bay Bay thinks they could really forge an emotional connection. She does, but it has to come from him, too. She says this sensibly, but with such determination, you’d swear she was talking about fartaholism.
Real doesn’t have a chain for her, so due to her powers of persuasion, he asks if she’ll accept his “invisible chain.” She will!
Because for now, that is enough.