All the daddies in the house holla at us! Obviously the joy of bringing a child into the world is boundless, and Jay-Z proved so today when he uploaded a new track celebrating the birth of Blue Ivy, “Glory,” to his website. Far from being staid or predictable, the song was raw, emotion filled and penned in Hov’s expert style. Unfortunately, not all songs daddies write for their babies are as touching as “Glory,” so we’ve taken this moment to reflect on some of the most boring “Look, I’m A New Dad!” songs from some high profile daddies. (Disclaimer: we get that you love your kid. We’re not disputing that or saying it’s wrong. You have every right to express your happiness, all we’re saying is that your song is boring, ZzzzZzzz).
Creed – “With Arms Wide Open”
Creed’s emotion fulled ode to front man Scott Stapp‘s son, Jagger, is the ultimate in “Look I’m A New Dad” snooze fests. Although now that we’re revisiting the track, we’ve got to say the epic power guitar solo in the second half saves the song from giving us the same “ho-hum” feeling we get when we see a Facebook friend post the seventy jillionth photo of their new born baby on their wall (if it still looks like a potato, we’re not interested). The apocalyptic video is pretty sweet too, and it’s made us a little bit nostalgic for really crappy CGI.
Billy Joel – “Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel)”
Wake us when it’s over! Could a song about fatherly love for his daughter be more uninspired? The lethargic piano is at risk of putting us to sleep (pertinent given the title?) and at times is even a little bit dark and creepy. Let’s not even talk about how twee the black and white video featuring doe eyed blonde children in angel wings running around like fairies is.
John Butler Trio – “Peaches And Cream”
This is John Butler Trio’s attempt to out-tranquilize Billy Joel. Why do meaningful songs have to be dull? John Butler’s ode to his daughter Banjo has a melancholic, angsty tone to it, and we can’t figure out why — with such a beautiful sentiment and lyrics — there isn’t more joy here.
Oasis – “Lil James”
With lines like, “Live for your toys / even if they make noise,” it’s as if Oasis didn’t even attempt to make the lyrics interesting. Let’s not even mention the bland melody and droning Gallagher vocal… Wait… Hey, you, reader — are you still awake?