American Idol Recap: Steven Tyler Attempts To Find The “Ass” In Aspen

by (@unclegrambo)

Ah, Aspen. While not exactly known as a music mecca, it is by all accounts a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano! (Clearly, we’ve watched Dumb & Dumber one too many times.) It was also where J. Lo, Steven Tyler, Randy and Ryan Seacrest hunkered down to try out contestants on this week’s episode of American Idol.

We don’t know if it was a result of the altitude or what, but something in the mountain air inspired Steven this week. He was able to avoid falling prey to the charms of 19-year-old nose-ring enthusiast Tealana Hedgespeth (“I’m more of the outgoing person, I’m more of the person who would go up to you and be like, ‘Hey, i like your shirt’”), but our bescarfed host planted a giant smacker right on the lips of 24-year-old music teacher Jenny Schick right at the top of this week’s episode, scoring a perfect 5 out of 5 on the Dude Is Acting Shady Meter. We’ll cover this, as well as Tyler’s other flirtations, below:

WHO: Jenni Schick
SET-UP: Jenni started off reminding us a bit of Week One contestant Erika Nowak, confessing that she’s got a hankerin’ for reality singing competition judges like Steven Tyler and The Voice‘s Adam Levine. However, her performance of Pat Benatar’s “Heartbreaker” got Steven all hot and bothered, resulting in him clutching her face with his grubby fingers and kissing her mouth. (Can we talk about that kissing technique for a second? Face touching is one thing, but outright face grabbing? WEIRDZIES.)
TYLER’S COMMENTS: “Holy shick! You better be able to sing, good girl … Whoa, I’m gonna get in trouble for that.”
DUDE IS ACTING SHADY METER SCORE: 5/5 – EWWWWWWWWW!


WHO: Haley Smith
SET-UP: This hippie dippy flower child lives in a log cabin somewhere in the Colorado wilderness, and it’s evident that Steven gets so lost in her voice that he sprouts some wood of his own. Before getting a chance to act on anything, though, he is overcome with emotion, and no one likes getting kissed by an old man with tears running down his face.
TYLER’S COMMENTS: “I love your voice SO. MUCH. You’re right out of my era. I’m honored to be here, listening to your voice.”
DUDE IS ACTING SHADY METER SCORE: 1/5 – Innocently Innocuous

WHO: Elena Snare
SET-UP: Snare is a waitress at a Colorado establishment whose specialty is serving Rocky Mountain Oysters. No, those aren’t the Colorado River equivalent of Bluepoints or Wellfleets, they’re actually bull testes.
TYLER’S COMMENTS: “Turkeys have balls? Gobble gobble.”
DUDE IS ACTING SHADY METER SCORE: 2/5 – Mildly racy

Other female contestants on this week on American Idol were the “vintage glitter queen” Angie Ziederman and the bipolar Minnesota native Shelby, but Steven didn’t vibe with either of these ladies in the slightest. However, he DID manage to turn eating a spoonful of grapes into an act of televised foreplay, so don’t lose hope for tonight’s episode! (Grapes are an aphrodisiac, right? RIGHT?!?)

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