Oops! Last week, Fiona Apple was arrested last week for drug possession after being caught with hash at a border stop Sierra Blanca, Texas. The “Criminal” singer spent the night in Hudspeth County jail — joining the literally high company of those who have done so before her, Willie Nelson, Snoop Lion and Armie Hammer included — and was released the next morning on a $10,000 bond to a joyous choir of #FreeFiona singers. That wasn’t that, though, as Apple and her jail keepers seem to have taken up an epistolary relationship of sorts.
On stage in Houston over the weekend, she aimed a few choice words at her keepers in Hudspeth. Her rant begins almost sweetly, she suggesting that “most of the people were very nice to me” and apologizing for being “attitudey” with the guy who runs the place. Platitudes registered, she goes in on four others who weren’t so very nice to her, threatening to make public the “inappropriate and probably illegal” things they did while she was under their custody. “There are four of you out there, and I want you to know I heard everything you did,” she warns, as things take an extra Fiona-y turn:
I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said stupidly thinking that I couldn’t hear or see you. I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and– I got two lock boxes. We’ll call them “holding cell one” and “holding cell two.” In “holding cell one” is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In “holding cell two” is the decoder. I’m the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course the celebrity that you had so much interest in but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night? Unless you’re interested in being a celebrity, I’ll make you f***ing famous any time you ask and I’ll open those boxes. So why don’t you stay in your f***ing holding cell?
Well, as it should be, Hudspeth County Sheriff’s Department caught wind of the dippy missive, and the department’s Public Information Officer Rusty Fleming spit back a few words in retort for the “Criminal” singer, via TMZ. Clearly unaware of Apple’s acclaimed catalog, he calls her “honey” and suggests that she “just shut-up and sing”:
First, Honey, I’m already more famous than you, I don’t need your help. However, it would appear that you need mine….
Two weeks ago nobody in the country cared about what you had to say, — now that you’ve been arrested it appears your entire career has been jump-started. Don’t worry Sweetie, I won’t bill you…
Next, have you ever heard of Snoop, Willie or Armand Hammer? Maybe if you would read something besides your own press releases, you would have known BEFORE you got here, that if you come to Texas with dope, the cops will take your DOPE away and put YOU in jail…
Even though you and I only met briefly in the hallway, I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re an awesome and talented young woman and even though I’m not a fan of yours, I am sure there are thousands of them out there, and I’m sure that they would just as soon you get this all behind you and let you go back to what you do best—so my last piece of advice is simple “just shut-up and sing.”
And so here we have it: jail-bird “Honey” Fiona Apple with a good scoop on four of Husdpeth County’s finest in one corner, and Officer Flemming, who thinks he has helped to jump-started the career of “an awesome and talented young woman” with but “thousands” of fans by arresting her and affording her a little shine, in the other. And we are going to go ahead and assume that this is not the end of it, as Apple has never been one to bow out of a battle of wits such as this. Because, you know, “Maya Angelou said that we as human beings can only create opportunities, and I’m going to use this opportunity” and “this world is bulls***” and etc and so forth.