It’s been a rough summer. After a very public family feud, the cracks within the otherwise perfect lives of Beyoncé and Jay Z are beginning to show. Because the gossip won’t stop, we’ve been forced to address these divorce and infidelity rumors head on. Is all well in the Carter kingdom? We hope so.
Before you start hysterically crying at your desk, let’s explore all the reasons why Shawn Carter wouldn’t stray from his wife of six years.
He loves her.If we’re to believe 12 years of adorable courtside appearances, live performances, Instagram photos, On The Run banter, and Grammy Award acceptance speeches like this: “I want to thank God, I mean, a little for this award, but mostly for that and all the universes for conspiring and putting that beautiful light of a young woman in my life.”
The women in her life.This May we learned what Solange looks like when she’s angry — and that she’s not afraid to share her feelings with her brother-in-law. But if there ever was a predecessor to bad bitches like Rihanna and Joseline Hernandez, it’s definitely Miss Tina Knowles. Would you want to make her mad?
He’d lose the best hook singer he’s ever worked with.
Together Bey and Jay have amassed over 10 musical collaborations, including songs like “Drunk in Love,” which we still can’t stop referencing via emoji. On the road this summer, she’s stepped in to help out with “Holy Grail” and “Young Forever,” arguably sounding better than Hov’s original collaborators. (Sorry, JT and Mr. Hudson.) Just thinking about a potential break-up makes a classic summer jam like “Crazy in Love” unlistenable. If it’s true, don’t even think about singing the hook to “’03 Bonnie and Clyde” in concert again, Jay. You lost that right.
He’d no longer be welcome in the state of Texas.While a philandering Jay probably wouldn’t be welcome most places, Hov would most definitely be persecuted in Texas. Beyoncé is the most famous thing to come from the Lonestar State since breakfast tacos. She proudly name-checked her hometown of Houston throughout her last album, and uses Instagram to prove cowboy couture can be chic. Everything is better in Texas, including the grudges they hold against someone who’s done one of their daughters wrong.
He wouldn’t get invites from the Obamas anymore.Jay Z has posed for photos with Obama and hosted fundraisers at the 40/40 Club, but it’s Beyoncé who has the upper hand in this political friendship. She sang for the First Couple during the 2009 and 2013 inauguration weekends, and famously dropped in on unsuspecting kids for Michelle’s “Let’s Move” campaign.
He’s old.Consistently touring and using popular-with-the-kids abbreviations like “cray” and “obvi” masks the fact that Jay is middle-aged. He looks good — a credit to his 22 days vegan experiment? — and we live in a culture where older men often date younger women. But don’t pretend like you didn’t notice Hov taking a lot more water breaks during On The Run (and Legends of the Summer, if we’re honest) than his co-headliners.
Money.On The Run has already raked in millions. Why destroy the potential for another lucrative tour?
If you believe Hov is intertwined with the mysterious devil-worshippers, imagine what they’ll do to him if he does Bey wrong.