“Holy sh*t. My career is seriously almost over. No one buys me as a movie star and that stupid assface Mylie Cyrus has stolen my spotlight as the terrible crooner everyone loves. But I need money! I can’t afford my Louis Vuitton dog-carry cases on just Proactiv money alone! Oh – wait – I’ve got it! I’ll turn into a country music star! Those people seem kinda dense, which means we’ll totally click! All I need is a cowboy hat and I’ll be a country gal. What is it those people say? Yee-ho? Yee-ho!”
Reinventing Jessica as a country artist was a GREAT idea, Joe Simpson. But unfortunately for you and your expensive hair-bleaching addiction, country fans have ears. And eyes. And TASTE. The “singer” opened for legit country star Sara Evans this weekend in Wisconsin, and while she begged the audience to love her by saying “I just want you to know that I’m just a girl from Texas. I’m just like you. I’m doing what I love and dating a boy,” they didn’t buy it, and booed the sh*t out of her! When doing what you love equals riding in a $60,000 Bentley and selling hair extensions, and the “boy” is a millionaire quarterback, you ain’t like anyone in Wisconsin, Jess! [Us]
Amy Winehouse‘s loveboat of a junkie husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, has officially been sentence to 27 months in jail for hooking Wino on crack and bloody ballet slippers. Er, or beating up a manager of a pub and then trying to bribe the guy for his silence. They’re both like, equally as bad. Blakey’s been in jail for nine months already, and his wife has taken out her sadness on the crack pipe and her weave. Amy looks like crap and acts like a lunatic, which means we’re in for a fun 27 months. Let’s head to the pub to celebrate! See you in 2011, Blake! [Telegraph]
Poor BritBrit. Just when she started to mend all her mental issues and split ends, her family has forced her back to work on a new album. Those Spears just gotta to restock their Cheeto supply ya’ll, and they need money to do it! But just because Jamie and Lynne are forcing their cash cow to start pumping out the musical milk again, doesn’t mean she’s happy about it! Britney’s pissed off at her peeps, and she’s expressing her anger in some new songs, in which she sings all about her beef with mom and dad. She’s not being coy about her feelings, either. In one song titled “ATM” she sings, “Hey Mama, I know it?s my cash you seek,” and ?You know they treat me like an ATM, but y’all know that I?m too good for ?em.?
Keep telling yourself that Brit! Just remember who got you out of that stained cheesy dress and into that, uh, clean cheesy dress.? [The Sunday Mirror]
Brit showed up at a fundraiser thrown by Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy this weekend, looking better than ever. She’s so clean it’s scary! Check out pics here.
It’s over – the divorce drama and custody battle between Britney Spears and her ex Kevin Federline that has dragged for about a year now has finally ended. The end result? Kevin gets FULL CUSTODY of their sons Sean and Jayden. Britney will maintain her current visitation rights of one overnight and two visits each week.
You may recall that the couple started with a 50-50 split, which quickly turned into Kevin having sole custody of the kids while Brit hung with shady dudes like Sam Lutfi and suffered from various melt downs and bad weaves. Though they’ve successfully kept their custody case out of court for the time being, but the judge can always change things up, which means more drama for years to come. [People]
Wow, this sounds like almost as good a plan as fake-boning Alex Rodriguez for a sh*tload of publicity! Brit‘s already shot an appearance in Madonna‘s upcoming video, and apparently the aging pop queen wants her to show up on stage in one of her shows. But that’s not all! Madge reportedly is trying to orchestrate an appearance by Justin Timberlake as well (they collaborated on her album Hard Candy). A source reveals that, “Madonna is always trying to raise the bar and Britney and Timberlake on the same stage would be perfect.”
Madonna’s not trying to raise the bar, she’s realized her career is faltering finally, at fifty, and she’s using other people’s drama to keep her star from dying out. Why not just put out a good album again?
Did Alex Rodriguez have his wife followed and her phones tapped? That’s what Cynthia Rodriguez‘s lawyers are trying to find out, and for the sake of the salaciousness of this trial, we sure as hell hope so. The baller’s soon to be ex-wife and her lawyers have requested “any reports you have received from a detective, investigator or any other person based upon surveillance of your spouse,” and “All tape recordings and other evidence prepared from tape recordings made in connection with any wiretapping or electronic surveillance conducted by you or others on your behalf.”
Legal pros believe that C-Rod’s people wouldn’t have made a push for this info unless they believed that her hubby had spies casing her home and trailing her. And yes, it was probably Jason Giambi doing A-Rod’s dirty work. He hid behind that giant moustache of his and snapped pictures while C-Rod drowned her sorrows in fat-free frozen yogurt. A Yankee’s gotta work somehow!
While they duke it out, the real winner in all this is Madonna, of course, who is relishing all the attention she’s gained from A-Rod’s downfall. She’s even planning on heading to the All-Star game today to stir up more drama cheer on her “just-friend.” A source reveals, “She doesn’t care about the press it will get – she loves it. It just gets her more publicity for her upcoming Sticky and Sweet tour.” When will we learn, people? It’s all about her. Always.
Lindsay Lohan‘s not-so-secret half-sister has expressed thorrow that her thiblings do not know that she exisths, but now she can sleep easy – after her appearance on The Insider, the entire world will know exactly who she is! Is this tiny chick already more media savvy than her alleged big sister? Not to mention, it’s finally clear what kind of lady Michael Lohan likes: fame whores with country singer hair. Ashley, 13, and her mom snuggled together and wept tears of desperation for The Insider‘s cams, and the 30 second clip of tonight’s interview is better than I Know Who Killed Me in its entirety. Seriously, Ashley – whose father has yet to be confirmed via a paternity test – has got IT – you know, that moral-less void that leads redhead teens to crash cars high on coke and design $100 leggings.
Enjoy their attempt at garnering fame and hundreds of dollars above. [DListed]
Jen Aniston should know that snooping through your boyfriend’s sh*t is always going to lead to discovering something you don’t want to see – naked pics, a dream journal – so why is she digging around John Mayer‘s guitar case? Jen supposedly came upon a bunch of love letters written to the rocker from ex-flame Jessica Simpson, and she was reportedly “hurt.” Yeah, our eyes would hurt to having to look her chicken scratch. A source – probably Papa Joe Simpson – said the letters were “very touching and well written,” forgetting to add “for an idiot.” [NYP]
Poor Alex Rodriguez. He should have known what he was messing with when he fell in love with Madonna. This is a chick who married Sean Penn when she was like, 12! You don’t fall in love with Madonna. She chews you up and spits you out, and your remains become art. But the Yankee slugger doesn’t give a sh*t, telling his teammate (Please let it be Jason Giambi‘s moustache) that he’s in love with the singer and that Madonna is ?my (bleeping) soulmate, dude.?
Oh A-Rod, get over yourself. Madonna has a soulmate, and it’s herself.
Hungry for today’s latest on the A-Rod scandal? Here’s the scoop:
Lenny Kravitz was told by his manager (and Madonna’s) that he was going to “pimp out Madonna and A-Rod.” He disapproved and fired the guy, and then he ended up linked to A-Rod’s wife. Lenny’s pissed, naturally.