ROOT

If you are a rocker with humble Jersey roots, gajillions of dollars and a cool dude hairdoo, you are legally NOT allowed to be a whiner. This is the law of rock, of life, of Jersey! But Jon Bon Jovi has apparently lost sight of the awesomeness of his ripped jeans, forsaking his easy going rep to instead throw a tantrum about something as silly as the name of an energy drink. Earlier this year the rocker demanded that the name of energy drink MiJovi be changed, stating that the product and its slogan (“itsmienergy.itsmijovi.itsmilife.”) were stealing from his name, as well as his band’s song “It’s My Life.” However brew creator Marcos Carrington claims that the drink is simply a tribute to his girlfriend Jovita. “It is unfair, he has said, “because Mijovi has nothing to do with Bon Jovi.”

The growing controversy has bumped sales of Mijovi in the rocker’s Jersey hood, and one source even said that “One store had people coming and getting their pictures taken with the drink. It’s even spawned a cocktail called the ‘Angry Rocker.’ ” Sounds like it’s time for Jon to relax a bit, and remember what it’s really all about – sex, drugs energy drinks and rock n’ roll. [NY Post, ABC News. Image: Getty]

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After all that drama (and that giant tent at LA Reid‘s Hamptons house), Usher and his lady Tameka Foster have finally made it legal, literally, with a small private wedding in the singer’s lawyer’s office. The nuptials took place Friday after their original shindig was called off, with rumors swirling that the star’s mother had been left off the guest list. Sources revealed that for the second go, Usher’s mom was indeed present. The sexy singer told Us Weekly, “I exchanged vows with Tameka Foster in Atlanta on Friday and we are happily married.”

Guess it’s time for everyone to take a little honeymoon from all the fighting and the drama before the baby’s born. The little one’s arrival is sure to bring about all sorts of battles between Usher, his mama and wife. The baby can referee! [Us Weekly / VH1 News / Image: Getty]

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Lauryn Hill delivers her best performance since the 1999 Grammy Awards (remember when she actually made good music?) in a video recently uploaded to YouTube, and she doesn’t sing a note. For almost 15 minutes Lauryn, who’s rocking a bag-lady-does-Oprah look, mugs (see above), uses the phrase “Western paradigm,” and rambles about her career and fame. She does this all in a borderline belligerent manner that totally reminds me of a pre-zonked Whitney Houston, Newport-nasty voice and all. Oh, and adding to the weirdness, the interviewer facilitating Lauryn’s chatter is none other than the sister of Technotronic rapper Ya Kid K. I know! Lauryn, it would seem, is at the tipping point and it’s freakin’ genius. It’s soooooo good to have her back.

Watch the video and read some of the best, most self-important quotes from it after the jump:

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If the Darth Vader remix of “Chocolate Rain” didn’t take it to the level you like, Mr John Mayer and Mr. Sharrod Small have an update. The guys bust the quacky InterWeb hit out of Tay Zonday‘s basso profundo register and put a little falsetto on it. Good clean fun. Though we’re still not sure that we forgive Mayer for his equestrian romancing (scroll down past Alicia).