Hey Britney – I am really getting sick of reading and writing and talking about you all day long. So if you could do me a favor, please stop doing really stupid sh*t all the time. I don’t want you to end up back in court any more than you do, all I want for is for you to disappear into a giant sea of frappucinos and cigarette butts, never to be seen or heard from again. But when you do stuff like make a left hand turn on a red light while cars are coming at you, it makes me a little crazy. And when you drive like a lunatic with your kids and that parenting coach in the car, my mind explodes a tiny bit. But to do it all holding a cell phone in front of your face to hide your (plastically enhanced) lips?! That’s just straight up dumb. Let those lips shine, girl! They’re one of the few good things left on you. [Image: Getty]
Is it possible that Amy Winehouse‘s life is getting worse than Britney’s? Yesterday the soul singer’s London house was raided and her husband Blake Fielder-Civil was cuffed, arrested and dragged away by police. No, it wasn’t over a stash of coke, but something even darker and weirder. Her man is accused of attempting to bribe a witness – with approximately $400, 000 – who was set to testify against him in a trial (Blake was charged with assault) starting next week. During the ordeal poor little Amy sobbed, “Baby, I love you. Baby, I’ll be fine,” and begged the cops to allow her to go with her husband. Is it any question as to why this girl doesn’t eat anything except for pot brownies and Jim Beam? Her life is a mess.
Authorities have reiterated many times that Amy is in no way involved in the plot, which carries a maximum sentence of life in prison if convicted. Where was her husband going to get all that money? The only lucrative thing he currently has going on is his wife. And honestly, we’re kind of rooting for him to get tossed in the clink for a while – it might give Amy a chance to straighten herself out. [Image: Getty]
Myspace is home to a lot of crazies, but none so insane as our beloved rocker/mom/yo-yo dieter Courtney Love, who often entertains the masses with her loony, nonsensical blog posts. Her latest masterpiece clocked in at 3691 words, and – when cut and pasted into Word – stretched out over 6 and a half pages (12 pt Times New Roman font, single spaced). Allow us to dig through the misspellings, the tearing to shreds of Madonna and the overall insanity to bring you the best of her lengthy, take it out on the keyboard, therapy session.
- Courtney: but im icy ssad- madonna is a great business woma but come on she s weak as an artista nd we akl lknow it- i like madge – but as a relevant musician – its a joke shes singing from such a calculating thought out place all the time its never from her gut or heart or intuition so maybe it sounds great an dis slick and you can hum it -discxo n dance it but ambitionand sass and shrewd does not equal great art- hard work and major dsicipline doesnt equal great art and all of those are great things- i covet thenm i haVE great disciplne and i do work like a bionic thing.
- Translation: Courtney is dissing Madonna for being a sellout. Um, our girl Court needs to take a good hard look in the mirror. Pot, meet kettle!
Pissy Paris Sues Card Company
The heiress is mad at Hallmark for using her likeness on their products. Her face is all over the “Happy Birthday Mom – Aren’t You Glad Your Kids Aren’t Like Paris Hilton” card line. [TMZ]
The Hills‘ Lauren & Heidi Back as Buds
The former BFFs have been spotted together looking chummy – whatever happened to forgiving and forgetting each other? [JustJared]
Europe Makes Britney #1
So what if The Eagles beat her ass in the States, in Europe she’s still got the #1 album. Too bad Brit doesn’t even know where that is. [Us]
Ellen Dissed by Striking Writers
The comedian is getting bashed by writers for crossing the picket line during their strike (unlike Conan, Jay and Jon, for example) to go to work on her show. [NYP]
Dog Chapman Slapped with Suit
The girl Dog the Bounty Hunter railed against with racial slurs is now suing the star for slander. Nothing says healing like millions of dollars. [TMZ]
K-Fed’s lawyer dragged Britney’s peeps back into court today to fight about the pop star’s inability to respond to drug tests in a timely manner. Apparently Brit has been flaky about 8 of the 14 tests, even though she’s “tested clean” in 10 different times. Impressive! She’s trained Sean Preston to pee in a cup! But even more ridiculous are the excuses her lawyer came up with as reasons for why she’d be missing the phone calls summoning her to the drug tests. Britney apparently changes her phone number so often that she misses calls, and has been lax about answering early morning phone drug testing requests. When the judge argued that taking a morning phone call was not that difficult a task, her lawyer shot back, “But you’re not a pop star with a No. 1 album to promote.”
Interestingly enough, neither is Britney! She’s done nothing to promote her album, which is number two on the charts – the number one slot belongs to The Eagles, natch. So really, rising at 9AM to pee in a cup shouldn’t be that much of a hassle, right? [Image: Getty]
Don’t search for new DVDs each week – stop by and we’ll tell you about all the recent titles.
Led Zeppelin may be getting all the classic rock press these days, but there are still plenty of Beatles fans around, and it’s likely a few million of them will be lapping up the re-release of Help! The Fab Four’s second flick found them romping through the Bahamas and other far flung locales (some crits thought it was a lampoon of the then-new, intrigue-drenched James Bond movies), evading bad guys while trying to regain a rare piece of jewelry from Ringo‘s finger. It?s a quip fest (the guys’ banter always enhanced their charisma), a giddy backdrop for great tunes (“Ticket To Ride,” “You’re Going To Lose That Girl”) and a template for the entire Monkees empire. Watch a clip from the film after the jump. Check the “I Need You” video here.
There’s nasty viral video entitled “2 Girls, 1 Cup” that made it’s way around the web this week that would burn your eyes and soul if you watched it (it involves poop and people, and this here blogger has avoided it). However one person who hasn’t shied away is NYC rocker – and aspiring comedian – John Mayer. He and pal (and Best Week Ever talking head) Sherrod Small have parodied the grossness, and while it may not be as funny as dating Jessica Simpson, we admire them for taking a stab at it. And now we kinda want some Pinkberry.
In case you’re curious about the original video (it’s seems to have currently disappeared off the web, thank god) – here’s a whole website with reaction shots of people as they watch it. Our fave is below.? The first person to have that cheesebag classical music theme as their ringtone is going to be coolio.
Jennifer Lopez is Pregnant ? Surprised?
The worst kept secret in the world is out after J.Lo confirms her pregnancy at her Miami show. She can finally get back to wearing regular ol’ sexy clothes now. Phew! [Us]
Lindsay?s Crashed Mercedes for Sale
Feel like blowing over $100,000 on a cokehead’s car? Bid on Lindsay’s wrecked ride – it’s up on Ebay (she must really need some cash). [NYP]
Rosie?s Rumored Show Gets Canned
But never fear, she’s blogged all about it on her site! Guess it wasn’t meant 2b. [Us]
Ashley and Lance?s Sleepover
They keep hooking up and we keep getting more grossed out. Friend are claiming Lance might be having a midlife crisis – but really he just likes young tail. [Us]
Tom Gushes Over Katie – Again
Tom: “Katie’s an inspiration!” Katie: “Tom is all things love and light!” Suri: “Someone pay attention to me!” [People]
In a strange but sweet turn of events, Britney’s album is not number one on this week’s Billboard charts! The lazy pop star has been beaten by – of all people – soft rocking geezers The Eagles. THE EAGLES! Oh man, karma is sweet and comes in the shape of a bunch of old, graying dudes. They were able to sneak in and whup Brit’s ass after Billboard revised “a policy which considers album sales even when they’re only sold exclusively by one retailer. In this case, Wal-Mart, which had exclusive rights to sell the Eagles disc in its stores and on its Web site, agreed to release its sales numbers.” The guys beat Britney hard – selling 711,000 units compared to her 290,000 – which came in way below the predicted estimate of 330,000-350,000. Maybe it’s time to get out there and start promoting, B!
Brit might want to start saving what money she’s got left, as she’s been ordered to pay her ex-hubby’s legal fees in their custody battle – all $120,000 of them. Legal papers reveal that Kevin Federline is “self-employed as a performing artist” and that “he does not earn any income.” Ha ha ha! Maybe Brit could get Don Henley to help out? He’s surely rolling in dough from all those albums he sold this week! [Image: Getty]