The tale of Lindsay Lohan stealing another woman’s man at rehab is so juicy that it’s almost as good as one of those steamy, cheese-ball romance novels. So why not make it into one? We’ve used Breanna Tierney‘s interview with the National Enquirer as inspiration for a tale about this torrid, methed-up love triangle. Draw a hot bath, pour a tall glass of non-alcoholic wine and get ready to melt from the heat of Lindsay and Riley’s sober, forbidden love. There’s no treatment for this kind of passion!
Chapter 8: Their Love is Real, the Ring is Not
No moon was shining in the stairwell at the Cirque Lodge rehab facility, as windows were a luxury afforded only to the patients’ bedrooms. But Lindsay and Riley couldn’t touch in their bedrooms – couldn’t even have visitors in there – so this was where they painted the masterpiece of their young love. On the crusty, cigarette-butt covered stairs, their pale bodies mixed with the egg shell white paint until they became one giant canvas, together. Riley pressed his face into Lindsay’s shoulder, inhaling her scent like someone suffering from an asthma attack sucking their inhaler. Tangled in her hair, he was overcome by the sweet smell of the chicken fingers she had for dinner mixed with the pack of Marlboro Reds they had smoked together in group therapy. He grabbed her buttocks and gasped when he felt skin. “Holy eff,” he whispered into her freckled ear. “Your pants are already off?!”
“No you ass.” His red-haired lover’s voice sent chills down his acne-covered neck. “It’s my new Balenciaga small Classique bag in Mustard. I just got it and I didn’t want to put it on the floor. Doesn’t the leather feel nice?”
Overcome by a shared passion for couture goods sculpted from the hides of farm animals and crushed Percosets, they embraced. Their love had become an addiction no intervention could tear apart.
Don’t search for the new DVDs every week. Come here and we’ll tell you about each title – even if it’s got a smelly side.
Transformers (Two Disc Special Edition)
Thanks to the miracle of the fast forward button, most of the nonsense on this blockbusting behemoth can be skipped over in favor of what we all paid $10 to see: Megatron and Optimus Prime kicking the living diesel out of each other. Pieced together from leftover screenwriting seminars and slumming actors (Jon Voight maybe, but John Turturro is better than this), even director Michael Bay can’t quite bring this junkyard dog to life. The two-disc special edition features Bay commentary and many, many featurettes that provide a peek into the Armageddon helmer’s creative frenzy.
Grindhouse Presents Planet Terror
If Quentin Tarantino‘s half of the Grindhouse road-show subverted the genre, buddy Robert Rodriguez plays it straight — and makes one of his best movies since Desperado. Amid much surface noise and “Aw man . . .” edits, a Texas town, led by stripper-turned-stand-up comic Rose McGowan, fights off an invasion of organ-munching undead. Rodriguez’s commentary holds no bars, and adds value to the package.
Lance Bass reportedly is coming out (not like that, silly!) with allegations that he thought at least two of his fellow ‘N Sync bandmates were gay. Justin Timberlake, according to him, had professed the desire for a gay role in a film, setting off the now out-and-proud Lance’s gaydar. Chris Fitzpatrick also sent minds wandering: “We thought Chris was gay because he used to hang out with a choreographer.” Well, if he were gay, he’d be more than just hanging!
Of course he thought they were gay! Who didn’t? And who can look at pictures of the other ‘N Sync members, J.C. Chasez and Joey Fatone, without wondering (however briefly), “How you doin’?” In fact, I think the rule for boy-band members (especially those, uh, managed by Lou Pearlman), should be: gay until proven straight. The choreography and falsetto tendencies demand it. There’s no word from Lance on what made him ultimately decide that Justin and Chris weren’t gay. That’s maybe best left up to our imaginations. [contactmusic.com]
The judge in Brit’s custody case has denied the starlet any and all visitation rights with her kids! Oh snap. No sleepovers, no monitored play time, no family dinners where each kid gets his own KFC bucket of Extra Crispy chicken. So why has the starlet’s visits been suspended? Because the Queen of all Idiots “did not provide the drug testing people with contact information so they could reach her to facilitate the random tests.”
Sigh. Come on Britney, get it together! If you don’t, you’re gonna have to resort to some drastic measures to see those kids. Check out the hilarious video above for some sweet ideas – Mrs. Britfire has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?? [TMZ. BWE]
We heart Kid Nation, so it’s only natural that this video mash up featuring train wreck Michael Jackson circa 2003 is playing our heart strings like a banjo this morning. We like to imagine how Michael might have ended up wreaking havoc on Bonanza City:
“Okay kids, you won the reward challenge, now here are your two rewards that the Town Council must choose between. Under the first fake old time-y crate, a roasted pig party, complete with grits, hush puppies and Kool Aid! And inside this gilded replica of a 1840′s submarine, musical sensation turned creepy plastic surgery addict, Michael Jackson! So Town Council, what do you pick as your reward?”
Are there any other Kid Nation fans who screamed at the TV last night in joy when Anjay beat that prissy b*tch Olivia in town elections? We’re still celebrating – you can probably smell the root beer on our breath this morning. As for Taylor – she’ll do a lot better being a brat on the bench, don’t you think? Now she really doesn’t have to follow any rules which means her inner Paris Hilton can finally shine. Also, what ever happened to that kid with the purple mohawk? We haven’t seen him since he pushed a wagon in the first episode – is it possible that he’s secretly the same kid as ejected Council member Mike? [via JustJared]
Viva Bonanza City!
Video: Is Ellen Ending Her Dog Drama?
The talk show star has asked her fans to stop the death threats against the shelter owner who took her dog, but her fingers were probably crossed behind her back as she said it. [DListed]
Angelina Rocks New Look on Set
Saint Angie has shipped the fam to LA so she can rock this new dowdy 1940s look in her new flick. She looks more great-grandma than mom, but we’re sure Brad finds it sexy! [X17]
Lilo & Her Man?s Matching Mug Shots
It’s what little girls always dream about when they think of their future boyfriend – his sexy mugshot pic! Do you think they traded pics and wrote love notes on the back of them? [TMZ]
Oprah?s Serious Health Scare
Say it ain’t sOprah! Our favorite woman in the world fell ill with a thyroid problem this summer – but it was nothing a month-long Hawaiian vaca couldn’t cure! [E Online]
Britney?s Secret Court Hearing
There’s no word on why Brit and K-Fed’s lawyers got together with the judge in their custody case yesterday, but we guess it was to gossip about Brit’s latest fashion disaster. [Us Weekly]
The latest issue of Q magazine finds Robert Plant saying that the “idea of going back to all that again is enough to make me break out in hives.” In this case, “all that” is the much buzzed-about Led Zeppelin reunion, so Plant is a bit of a fibber. As you know, the rock world is celebrating the gathering of the singer, Jimmy Page, and bassist John Paul Jones in the November tribute to their pal and Atlantic Records founder, Ahmet Ertegun. More than a million requests have been made for the 10 thousand available tickets. Meaning lots of people aren’t going to make it to this wildly exclusive show. But you might. Take your chances on our Led Zeppelin Live in London Sweepstakes, and you and pal might be whisked away to the year’s biggest rock show.
Perhaps you know by now that the group’s entire catalog is finally hitting the digital music services on November 13. One of the last digital hold-outs, the band and their money men will now let you crank MP3s of “Dazed and Confused,” “Moby Dick,” and a little something called “Stairway To Heaven.” Guess they knew we were tired of hearing “Rock ‘n’ Roll” in that Cadillac commercial. Check Zep videos at VH1 Classic. Read a classic interview with Jimmy Page.
PS: While connecting with Page has been a bit tough over the years, Plant’s got a new partner and a new disc that you might find intriguing.
Led Zeppelin Artist Info
Led Zeppelin Videos
After Nas‘ shocking announcement that his next album, purportedly due in December, would be titled Nigga, his record company has hit back, debunking his claims entirely. A source “close to” Def Jam honcho L.A. Reid told Fox News that there’s no new studio album due from Nas at all (though a greatest-hits set is to hit stores in November), and that even if there were, it probably wouldn’t carry such a potentially offensive title. “How would that look at Wal-Mart?” Terrible next to $5 leggings and this T-shirt, no doubt.
Of course, the very hypothesis that Nas would release an album named Nigga sent the usual suspects’ mouths foaming. Jesse Jackson denounced the title, calling it “socially distasteful,” while the NAACP said the name “shows a real lack of creative imagination.” Interestingly, support for the name came from none other than Don Imus‘ camp: Imus lawyer Martin Garbus called Nigga “a good thing.” “Words like that should be deprived of their meanings, and then they can’t hurt.” Clearly, Imus (or at least, his people) can’t wait to get back to work. [FoxNews.com / Image: Getty]
Nas Drops ?N? Bomb On New CD
Nas Not Welcome at Virginia Tech Show
What do t.A.T.u. have in common with Ray Charles, Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan? Until very recently, nothing. But since Mischa Barton signed on to star in the upcoming film Finding t.A.T.u., the Sapphic Russian twosome is the subject of a new film. Based on a true story, the former O.C. starlet plays Lana Starkova, a Russian slaughterhouse worker [Ed: WTF?], who meets lonely American Janie Sawyer on a t.A.T.u. fansite and together enter the seedy Russian underworld of drugs and violence. Hear that kids? t.A.T.u. is a gateway drug. Check out the glorified music video above — you’ll have to suspend disbelief long enough to buy the idea that t.A.T.u. actually warrant a film, as well Barton’s accent.
Mischa Barton Models Metal Goods
Paris Hilton’s Good Deed: Making Out
Nicole Richie: Jerkface or Evil Genius?
Mischa Barton Has a Breast Slip