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Britney’s New Video: Want a “Piece”?

How can a pop star live a normal life when the cameras are always in her face and her fans are so toxic? How much can one woman give before it’s time to shave her head and crumble right before the planet’s eyes? These were unanswerable questions until Britney Spears dropped her new video for “Piece of Me” a few hours ago. Have a peek, and you’ll find out why our girl is so tortured all the time. Leave her alone, damn it!

by (@katespencer)

Tyra Banks Talks Sh*t About Brit

tyra121707.jpgThere are some things in this world that are just straight up fact. The world is round. The ocean is salty. Dogs bark. And Tyra Banks loves to talk. But did she really throwdown some smack about her fellow wig-lover Britney Spears? Last week spies reported that they overheard the Top Model maven saying, “[Britney] should just go ahead and kill herself after the album and go out like Marilyn, very grand. She should have done it after the last album.?

Sure, T likes to talk big, but would she really encourage Brit to take her own life (and what was so grand about Marilyn’s sad, lonely drug overdose anyway?)? We think she’d be more inclined to give her Twiggy’s vacated spot judging which girls are loved by the camera. Of course she’s released a statement that says, “Britney is a friend and we correspond with each other. These alleged statements are completely false.” Wouldn’t we love to see that correspondence – the word ‘girlfriend’ is surely used like, 100 times a day in the emails they must send to each other. The Tyra snitches aren’t havin’ her statement, and one called it “Lies, lies, lies.? So what do you think? Did Tyra really encourage BritBrit to do something fierce and end her own life?

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A Simpson Family Christmas: Now With 100% More Guyliner

simpson_familyA few weeks ago, we reported that Pete Wentz was banned from the Simpson family Christmas, due to an interview wherein he stated he sometimes “wishes he were gay.” Not so, said Pete, in an email to MTV. “[Ashlee's father Joe] even called me to let me know he expects me to show up for Xmas. So there’s no truth to that,” the guy-lined bassist said.

So just how will this Christmas play out? The Video Hits 1 Players decided to create a dramatization of the scene, complete with Papa Joe, Jessica, the Black Widow of Men and Movies alike, her quarterback boyfriend Tony Romo, and Ashlee and Pete.

Joe: Ashlee, honey, no. We’re not going back to a size six. Put the fork down.

Pete: So, Tony…I’ve often thought about playing football. Guys rolling around with other guys in tights — sounds like my kind of thing.

Tony: I don’t know. You kind of….wear eyeliner.

Joe: Ashlee, baby, push the plate away. I know you agree with a lot of what Tyra says, but that doesn’t mean you have to be able to share clothes.

Jessica: [Open-mouthed, staring off into space.]

Tony: So, Pete, Drop In Man. I’m a big fan of the band. I think it’s great how you and Ashlee have been able to keep it together for so long in the face of all the pressure. [whispers] Particularly Joe. Does he stay in the same room with you when you and Ash share a bed?

Pete: Yeah. You’ll get used to it. It’s the blinking light from the camcorder that keeps me from sleeping.

by (@katespencer)

Ashley Tisdale Ruins her Face for Fame

ashleyt.jpg

In a desperate attempt to look less like a human and more like all the other plastic robots wandering Los Angeles, High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale has gone and gotten herself a nose job! She used the old “deviated septum” excuse, but if you check out the before and after pics above you can see the obvious changes her nose has gone through. Before, she looked normal and interesting. After, she looks fake and puckered. Success!

But two former stars who have also been sliced up – Tara Reid and Michael Jackson – have recently been photographed looked more frightening than famous. Tara’s new scary skinny bod is one hundred percent freakish and zero percent sexy; while Michael just looks totally butchered (and covered in band aids!). So let this be a warning to the Tis – you’re just a couple slices away from looking really effed up. [People]

by (@katespencer)

Britney’s Worst Year Ever: May

britney_may07.jpgYou were there through the bad driving, the head-shaving, and the Criss Angel thing. It?s been a tough year for our girl. No one could have imagined a mere 12 months ago that she?d create such glorious new nonsense every week. Some of the craziness escapes you? Come back every day: We?re counting down the events that made up the Year in Britney.

May 3Don’t Call it a Comeback – Britney took to the stage in a wig, fur coat, short skirt and trashy boots for her first performance since her divorce and rehab stint. Though she spent a few minutes on stage singing and writhing around, her House of Blues shows looked more like her meltdowns than a performance – with a little choreography sprinkled on top. [People]

May 16The Message – The singer became a scribe when she took to her website to post an ultra-personal message to her fans. Thanking them for their prayers, she waxed poetic about their support during her “trying time.” Little did they know her situation – and her writing – were only gonna get a lot worse. [I'mNotObsessed]

May 18The Weave Debuts! – It’s a rug! It’s dead roadkill! It’s BRITNEY’S WEAVE! Finally, after months of wig-wearing, Britney was able to pay someone enough money to bind pounds of fake hair to the buzz cut she had grown out on her noggin. But her nasty new hair soon became the butt of every blogger’s joke, and TMZ even called her hair-tastrophy one of the great man-made wonders of the world. We like to think of it as more of an unnatural disaster. [DListed]

May 29I Was So Lost – The starlet capped off the spring with another post to her website, but this time her rambling took on a depressing, helpless tone. In the lengthy post Britney addressed her trip to rehab, her manager, divorce and how she had “cut so many people” out of her life. She went from acknowledging her issues : “I truly hit rock bottom,” to sounding surprisingly human: “I just want the same things in life that you want?and that is to be happy.” But in the end, she only solidified her reputation as a train wreck. [MTV News, Evil Beet]

by (@katespencer)

Monday: Britney’s Disappearing Belly

britneyspears-1217.jpgBritney: Digitally Slimmed Down in Vid
Side by side pics reveal that Britney might not be as skinny as she seems in her Piece of Me video. Duh. [EOnline]

Lindsay Lohan Pimps Herself to Tabloids

Who wants to buy staged pictures for $30,000 of Lindsay recording her new album? Nobody, thank god. [NYDN]

Is Jennifer Love Hewitt Knocked Up?
The outspoken actress is rumored to have a baby on the way. [DListed]

Jessica Simpson is a Major Movie Flop
Her horrible looking movie is going straight to video – so it can go unrented for ten years before it becomes a cult hit. [MSNBC]

Amy Winehouse: Jail Cell Bound?

Wino might have been more involved in her hubby’s bribery plot (that has landed him in jail) than cops originally thought. Turns out love is definitely a losing game. [DListed]

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Britney’s Worst Year Ever: April

year_in_britney_4.jpg

You were there through the bad driving, the head-shaving, and the Criss Angel thing. It’s been a tough year for our girl. No one could have imagined a mere 12 months ago that she’d create such glorious new nonsense every week. Some of the craziness escapes you? Come back every day: We’re counting down the events that made up the Year in Britney.

April 5One Day at a Time – Britney’s clearly well versed in all things toxic, bachelors included. So it wasn’t exactly surprising when news emerged that she had dabbled in rehab romance. Life & Style reported that Brit “fell hard” for bad-boy singer-songwriter Howie Day in rehab and that he’s the “best kisser ever!” Howie has a history of run-ins with the law, which means Brit was adding yet another wonderful influence to her arsenal. You know how she rolls. [MSNBC]

April 15Just Can’t Manage – Not a month after leaving the rehab manager Larry Rudolph had allegedly confined Britney to, she fired him. To hear the New York Post tell it, Brit used him as a scapegoat and blamed him for all of her then-recent woes, including introducing her to Paris Hilton. If that’s true, it’s actually probably the most lucid move she made all year. Days later, Britney’s father, Jamie, took the opportunity to publicly criticize his daughter. Said Daddy: “The Spears family would like to publicly apologize to Larry for our daughter’s statements about him over the past few weeks. Unfortunately, she blames him and her family for where she is at today with her kids and career. Larry has always been there for Britney. For this, we will forever be grateful to him.” Adding more juice to the pot, Britney responded to her father: “I am praying for my father. We have never had a good relationship. It’s sad that all the men that have been in my life do not know how to accept a real woman’s love. I am concentrating on my work and my life right now.” It’s hard work keeping those tongues wagging, you know? [New York Post]

[Image credt: X17]

by (@katespencer)

K-Fed’s Lawyer Launches Britney Beatdown

britney-1214.jpgLook out Brit! K-Fed’s legal mafia and their heads of sexy, graying helmet hair are coming after your ass, and they’re intent on bringing you down. Good ol’ Mark Vincent Kaplan is majorly ticked off that Brit was too fragile and “sick” to participate in his deposition, but magically healed when it came time to party and puff ciggs later that night. This is the fourth time Britney – who seems to think she’s above the law – has avoided her court-ordered deposition. Now MVK (Just like MKO!) is asking the Commissioner in the custody case to “bar Britney from asking for anything more than she already has under court order.” He can also ask that Brit pays his legal fees, but he hasn’t gone there yet. We bet he will though! Homeboy needs money to keep that hair groomed. [TMZ]

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Superhead To Give You Record, Head

superheadAs though it wasn’t news enough that Eddie Murphy is starting a record label, check out his roster of talent: Karrine “Superhead” Steffans. The self-proclaimed video vixen has already put out a book of her sexual exploits with the rap world’s biggest (and, um…not biggest) stars, and now she’s working on an album for Eddie’s Murphy Entertainment, due out in March. We can hardly contain our excitement! Here are a few tracks we hope made the cut:

1. Bobby Brown, I Love You But Get Off My Couch
2. I Went Down On Eddie Murphy And All I Got Was This Record Deal
3. My Boyfriend (The Guy From Family Matters)
4. Whitney, I Got Your Man
5. My Homie-Lover-Friend (f. Lil Wayne)
6. Your Blue Dress [For Monica Lewinsky]
7. The Hot Dog Song
8. It Ain’t Gonna Suck Itself (I Know, I Know)

Our very own Irv Gotti had a little to say on the topic of Superhead and her favorite pastime. Check out the link to hear Mr. Gotti extolling the merits of fellatio [NSFW or children].

by (@katespencer)

Friday: Full House Party

olsens-1214.jpgOlsens Get Boozy with Saget & Stamos
The gang drank and ate together at a downtown hotel, but didn’t invite their other co-stars to tag along. How rude!? [NYP]

Ryan Gosling Macks Heath?s Ex
Michelle Williams goes after another boring dude to make her dull life complete.? [NYP]

Heidi Montag?s New Song Leaks, Sucks
Check out The Hills star’s new single. It makes Gimme More sound like the music of angels in heaven.? [Us]

Britney?s New Video Drops
After watching her move awkwardly in the first 20 seconds of her video for Piece of Me, we wonder if Brit will ever truly dance again.? [People]

Winehouse Wants a ?White? Christmas
Amy has promised to get her life together in 2008, but first she wants to hold a major blowout at her house. With a lot of blow.? [The Sun]