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by (@katespencer)

Paris Hilton Can’t Believe Her Eyes

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Well, thank god Paris has finally figured out how the magic of baby-making works. The heiress divulged the deets on a weepy sleepover she had at Nicole’s mom’s house, with the new mama and her little girl Harlow. She said (presumably in her best baby voice), “I was crying when I saw her. She looks like a miniature version of Nicole and Joel. I am so happy for them.?

Is Paris so sheltered that she’s just now realized that babies look like the two people who come together to create them? And from what’s she’s describing, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have created the fugliest baby known to mankind bloggerkind. Check out our artistic interpretation of Paris’ description. Who do you think Harlow Madden looks more like – Mommy or Daddy? [Page Six]

by (@katespencer)

No One Cares About Christina’s Baby

christina_baby.jpgPoor Christina Aguilera. Apparently people like her tunes but are totally turned off when her tanned and dyed mug is plastered on a magazine cover. The singer has been in talks with OK! magazine to sell pics of her and her new baby Max, but plans have stalled after she wasn’t offered the cover. Gasp! An insider says, “The OK! wedding cover didn?t sell as well as they hoped, and even her recent Marie Claire cover underperformed, all things considered.? Yup, the only people who care about Christina are,well, just Christina. A different source revealed that ?Christina has an inflated sense of her own value and seems to expect an extortionate amount of money for these baby pictures.”

We have seven dollars in our wallet, that should cover the cost! But the money drama may not be the only thing stopping the pics from being published. A pal of Christina’s alleges that the baby might not be ?ready for prime time.? We can only assume this means his hair isn’t the appropriate shade of platinum blond and he keeps smudging his red lipstick. Poor little Max – isn’t he beautiful no matter what Mommy says? [MSNBC]

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American Idol Day 6: Simon Turns Vicious

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Auditions: Miami

After a disappointing day in Omaha, the American Idol judges headed to Miami, where the warm weather seemed to ratchet up the energy and give Idol some of the juice it has been lacking. Simon was the real star of last night’s auditions, delivering some of the choicest, strangest, and cruelest rejections we?ve heard all season, a welcome return to form for the curmudgeonly Brit.

Let?s review, shall we, the destruction:

Read more…

by (@katespencer)

Thursday: Madonna Makes More Money Than You

madonna.jpgMichelle Kicked Out Heath Cuz of His Drug Habit
Apparently the actor was tormented by an addiction that ended his relationship. Sigh – isn’t this story already sad enough? [NY Post]

Madonna is the Richest Mama in Music
The Material Girl makes the most money of all women in music, raking in $72 million last year. According to the Forbes list, Britney brought up the rear in 14th place. Here’s to women with fake British accents! [Us]

Avril Lavigne Wants You to Stink Like Her
Avs is about to follow the lead of every other lady singer and create her own perfume. Isn’t smelling good the opposite of punk? [DListed]

Paris Gets Hot n’ Heavy with Elisha Cuthbert
Nothing like a little girl-on-girl action to remind the world that Paris is still as annoying and attention-hungry as ever.? [Us]
Hulk Hogan Endorses Obama for Prez
Finally the presidential campaign is relevant. Thanks Hulk.? [TMZ]

by (@katespencer)

Britney Hospitalized & On Psychiatric Hold

It happened again late last night: Britney Spears was shuttled to the hospital – this time to UCLA Medical Center – in an ambulance surrounded by police and paparazzi. Fortunately things went down differently for the pop princess’ second hospital stint, dare we even say calmly. Brit’s new psychiatrist set off the chain of events, which had apparently been planned for days, after he determined that her behavior was reckless (driving around like a lunatic in a pink wig) and deteriorating (not sleeping since Saturday. Saturday!!!). He called the police and paramedics, who knew of the plan beforehand and referred to Britney in code, calling her “The Package.” Britney was extremely calm during the entire thing, making herself hot chocolate and waiting in silence. Her mom, however, apparently freaked out, and there is allegedly major tension between the family and Sam Lutfi, who orchestrated the whole event. Also on the scene: cousin Alli Sims, an aunt, Britney’s did Jamie, and her bizarre paparazzi-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib.

Britney is now currently at the hospital (where she’s been allowed smoking breaks) under a 72-hour hold, and could be kept as long as 14 days. There’s allegedly some drama between her family and Sam over who gets to make the medical decisions for Brit, as she had her lawyers draft up papers after her last hospital stint that puts Lutfi in charge of her medical decisions. Apparently Brit’s dad blew up at Sam and accused him of trying to control Brit’s life.

Check out the above video of the scene as Britney was taken away from her house to the hospital late last night. Apparently the line of police and medical vehicles “stretched longer than a football field.” Only the best for America’s pop princess. [LA Times/TMZ/Us]

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Just Another Brit Lost in Her Mercedes

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American Idol Day 5: The Freaks Come Out In Omaha

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Auditions: Omaha, NE

The seemingly endless parade of auditions continues, as American Idol breaks new ground and pays a visit to America?s Heartland: Omaha, Nebraska. After the opening fervor of Season 7, the show’s pitch has begun to drop a bit: the judges look shopworn, the contestants ape earlier contestants and even the montages have a recycled air. But the city still deserves a shot, so let?s meet the best and worst of the sprawling Midwest and flip through American Idol?s Omaha Yearbook:

Read more…

by (@katespencer)

Just Another Brit Lost in Her Mercedes

That poor car. Even though it’s not a living, breathing creature, we still feel bad for the thing. It’s so beautiful, in all its brand-new, $55,000 glory. Leather seats, GPS, luxurious steering wheel made of gold (we’re making that up because we’ve never been inside one of a rich person car, but this is probably true, right?). But soon it will be covered in Cheeto dust and Taco Bell Border Sauce, and its sweet sweet leather will be permeated by Marlboro Red smoke in a matter of minutes. So we were happy that the Mercedes (with Britney inside) ended up lost in the Hollywood Hills last night. Don’t even begin to think it was an accident, that car did it on purpose! It was trying to dump Britney off somewhere and run the f*ck away, like Forrest Gump on wheels. Just like everything else it Britney’s life, it was surely trying to escape her wrath.

Check out the video of Britney wandering around her car while rambling to the paps in a British accent trying to get home. It’s called a plane to Lousiana, Brit! Hop on it and don’t ever look back.

by (@katespencer)

Wednesday: Gwen’s Back for Baby #2

gwen-stefani.jpgTony Romo Woos Jessica with a Song
She may not suck at football, but at least they can both suck at singing together. Now that’s what we call soulmates. [Us]

J. Lo?s Babies Get Normal-ish Names
Emme and Max Lopez-Anthony, meet your new family, the paparazzi! [Star]

Gwen?s Baby Belly Back in Business
Gav and Gwen are adding to their clan. If it’s a girl, do you think they’ll call her Queenston? [Star]

Britney Numbs Pain with New Car
There’s no problem a $55,000 Mercedes (paid for in cash, obvs) can’t fix. Bi-polar disorder be damned! [TMZ]

Lindsay Lohan Loyal to Vodka
LL stands for Lindsay Lohan and Leggings n’ Liquor. [NYDN]

by (@katespencer)

Miley Officially Loses Her Stripper Name

destinyrose.jpgWhat, you didn’t know that Miley Cyrus’ (aka Hannah Montana) real name was Destiny Hope Cyrus? Yeah, we didn’t either, but it’s definitely the greatest name we’ve heard this side of Scores. It’s one thing to change your name to a sexy monniker later in life, but to be born with such a trashy name is a true gift. We’re sad to see Miley let Destiny go, especially with all those bikini pics that have leaked on to the internet in recent weeks. She is now legally Miley Ray Cyrus – Miley stems from her childhood nickname of Smiley, and she added the Ray as a tribute to her mullet-loving dad.

Seeing as Destiny Hope Cyrus is now dead (er, as a name), we invite you to discover your own awesome stripper name. Here’s a handy name generator to use at your leisure. Give it your best shot and let us know what you come up with!

Signed,
Raquelle Razorthighs

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Sundance Stories: Jack Black, Swagboy

An oddly blonde Jack Black informed VH1 News that the celebrity swag at Sundance wasn’t exactly free — it comes at a price. The price? Taking a picture with the stuff, which means being prepped to be the next face of a random cosmetics brand in their Asian marketing campaign. (Just kidding. Sort of.) We caught all of the action at Sundance, the annual Park City, Utah, meet-and-greet, where celebrities came to check out new films, promote their own, and, in general, raise the level of conversation. Whether or not that actually worked in practice is something else entirely. When asked, for instance, about his horrendous new glasses, Bono claimed that they’re 3-D. That goes along with U2‘s new film, U2 3D, but it doesn’t change the fact that the world’s most socially conscious star of the stage needs a new stylist. For more on the festival, click here.