Can you hear that light drum roll? It’s the opening crescendo of R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet,” and if it’s ringing in your ears, it’s for a reason: Kells has prepped 10 new chapters of his R&B melodrama to be released Aug. 21 on DVD. The tangled web, which often feels as if it was made up as Kelly went along, features the singer narrating as the character “Sylvester” and is the campiest contribution to American R&B since…well, Sylvester. The future installments will feature R. Kelly assuming a new role in addition to that of Sylvester: he’ll play a beard-wearing, potbellied old man named Randolph. There’s no word on further plot developments: whether Gwendolyn is going to beat Cathy’s wig-wearing ass or if Chuck, Rufus and Cathy can settle their bisexual love triangle (that “chapter” he performed at the 2005 VMAs never did surface) or if we’ll have to endure 10 more rounds of the same damn melody and instrumentation. Mostly, we’re like Idolator: we just want to know what happened to the midget.

Of course, the true cliffhanger hinges on whether, after two years, people will still care about this complicated nonsense. For now all we can do is shake our heads dissapprovingly, much like Sylvester did as he watched Chuck, Rufus and Cathy duke it out in the then-final chapter. [Billboard]

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Finally! Nicole Richie wants to spill the beans about her summer in hiding. The skinny star will be interviewed by Diane Sawyer in segments that will appear next week on Good Morning America and 20/20. Hopefully Diane won’t go easy on Nicole, but in case she throws softballs at the starlet – “Nicole, the world is dying to know… How do you do your hair?” – here are some questions for the anchor to toss at the tiny mom-to-be:

• Is driving the wrong way on the highway fun? Honestly, it is, right?
• Seriously – is Ashlee Simpson pregnant?
• What’s up with that skunk on Joel Madden‘s head?
• Who’s prettier – Hilary or Haylie Duff?
• You’ve already named your dog Honeychild. Are going to call your baby MolassesPuppy?
• Was feuding with Paris Hilton like being a vacation from stupidity?
• The world is dying to know… How do you do your hair? [Image: Getty]

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The former Destiny’s Child crooner reveals her past insecurities in next month Essence magazine, telling the rag:

“I remember wishing I was more fair-skinned, but Tina Knowles, Beyonc?‘s mom, would say, ‘Don’t you know how beautiful you are?’ She made me come into my brown beauty. I didn’t get it, but now I do. I am chocolate and beautiful and loving it.”

We’re loving it too Kelly! It’s so nice to see someone have a “You go girl!” moment amidst all the other messes of ladies out there. If only you could pass some of that self-esteem along…Hm, if you can turn it into a powder maybe LiLo will snort it! [NY Post / Image: Getty]

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Beyonc? is beautiful (and for that matter, bootylicious) no matter what they say, but it turns out that words can get her down. And for that reason, the much-scrutinized diva stays off the blogs. Says Bey:

“Sometimes I’ll run across certain things, usually in the paper, because I read the paper more so than the Web. There’s one or two sites that I can go to. But if I go on the Internet and try to see what people are saying, I’ll probably want to crawl under a rock. (Laughs.) Because I’m still human and certain things, it just hurts, so I try not to read the Internet too much. “

It’s always ridiculous when superstars feel the need to remind us that they’re human, as though they think that we think that their synergy of incredible luck and skill has somehow altered their DNA. Besides that, Bey, who’s one of the most guarded and least-revealing divas that pop music has ever seen, is definitely going for the self-humanizing angle here. While it could very well be true, this plea of vulnerability has about the emotional resonance of the crocodile tears that flow from her eyes every night she sings “Flaws and All” on stage. Here’s a flaw for you: bad acting. We saw Dreamgirls, Bey. You can’t fool us. (Not that you’re listening or anything.) [AP/Yahoo! / Image credit: Getty]

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That guy? No way. Just say it ain’t so Britney. Please, just tell us you’re the better parent. Ugh – you didn’t really just jump into the ocean in your underwear, did you?

Sigh. Things keep looking down for Brit, as her ex-assistant and cousin Alli apparently has left Brit’s side to join Lynne Spears and Kevin Federline in the fight to wrangle JJ and Sean P. away from their crazy mama. A source told OK!, “Alli gave specific instances where Brit couldn’t handle having the kids. Kevin was angry at Britney for putting his kids in jeopardy and immediately phoned his lawyer to investigate the claims further. He couldn’t believe she had gotten so out of control.”

Really? How could he not have guessed that when she walks around like this? It’s scary to think that we now live in a world where K-Fed, sock n’ flip flops wearing, “PoPoZao” rapping K-Fed, is the better parent. Although to his credit, “PoPoZao” sounds way better as a lullaby. Alli must have really seen some crazy stuff. Or maybe she just got sick of mopping up dog pee with Versace gowns. [Image: Getty]

Everyone’s favorite Barbadian ambassador is bringing new levels of synergy to pop-music metaphors. Not since OutKast’s shameless promotion of Polaroid has an artist shilled so hard for a product that most people don’t spend much time thinking about. In this case, Rihanna has gone into business with Totes (think Isotoners) to create a line of umbrellas, inspired, of course, by her song “Umbrella.” Ranging in price from $15-$50, Rihanna’s line of rain gear comes with names like Satin Stick and Signature Slender: fun, even if the names are slightly reminscent of air freshener flavors. Kudos to Totes for spotting an opportunity to take advantage of the song of the summer. And accolades go to Rihanna, too, who told Paper magazine in a recent interview that she wanted to be “the black Madonna.” Since Madonna’s talents naturally run to business management, Rihanna’s fledgling mogul-hood shouldn’t come as a surprise.