We spend a good 95% of our day thinking, reading, and yapping about Britney Spears. And every day it’s the same old crap (like last night: her car broke down, she hitched a ride with paparazzi, Brit rocked an almost nip-slip, slept at the Peninsula Hotel and looked generally trashy and insane) . Life with Britney is like that movie Groundhog Day, except her sh*t stopped being funny a long time ago and we still laugh at Bill Murray. So here is what we wish we could write – a day in the life of Britney that we could only dream of. Maybe someday even just a minute of it will come true.
7AM: Britney rises early and heads out for a jog wearing a supportive sports-bra, a tank top that covers her stomach, actual shorts and sneakers. Her short, natural hair is pulled back in a headband.
9AM: On the way home for her run, Brit stops by a local coffee shop for a small cup of green tea.
10AM: Britney takes a long, hot shower, washes her hair, scraps off her fake tan and scrubs her finger nails.
11AM: The starlet chews some Nicorette while cleaning out her entire closet, and donates her collection of skanky shirts, butt-revealing dresses and beat-up boots to charity.
12PM: Britney’s kids come over for a visit and she makes then a healthy meal, plays with them in the yard, and puts them down for a nap.
4PM: Mama Brit drives (below the speed limit) her reasonably-priced hybrid vehicle to the farmer’s market and picks up some vegetables and fish for dinner.
6PM: The family gathers for a meal made of actual food, followed by a G-rated movie together.
8PM: Britney goes to bed. Alone.
Nicole Kidman: Officially Knocked Up
Nic and hubby Keith Urban are expecting their first baby – and we’re pretty sure it’s not L. Ron Hubbard‘s demon child. Congrats!? [People]
Jamie Lynn Spears Goes Back to School
Brit’s little sis is hard at work in her hometown getting her GED before her baby’s born. She’s such a good role model for her older sister.? [People]
Jessica Simpson Avoids Her Ex
The singer skipped out on a vaca with her little sis in Costa Rica after she learned her ex-hubby Nick Lachey (and his girlfriend Vanessa Minillo) were holed up at the resort next door.? [NYP]
Golden Globes Get Axed
Sorry kids! No watching celebs sit around getting hammered in $5000 dresses (and winning things) this year.? [Us]
Dr. Phil Won?t Shut Up About Britney
If we may echo our pal Chris Crocker, leave Britney alone!? [Us]
Don’t take dating tips from Jessica Simpson. If her past track record isn’t enough (we miss you
Bam Nick and John!), let her latest sexy move be a lesson to you – she is currently on vacation with recent flame Tony Romo and her parents. HER PARENTS! How can they get busy when her mom and dad are sleeping right next door?! The couple, the Simpsons, and some pals are all staying together in a rented villa in Cabo San Lucas. At the airport, a source spotted Jess and Tony ?rubbing each others butts and laughing on the tarmac.” Kinky! Things got even crazier over at their vacation house. ?Tony couldn’t stop touching Jessica,? another spy (with really awesome long-distance vision) said, ?They were having a great time, with Jess? parents laughing and joking with Jess and Tony. Tony was affectionate to Jess and everyone seemed very relaxed.?
Yes, supervised sleepovers are always such stress relievers! It sounds like Jess needs to check her co-dependency baggage – and her rents – the next time she travels with her dude…if he even sticks around that long. [Us]
One of Lindsay Lohan‘s Italian one-night-stands has spilled the beans to the British tabloids (what took him so long?) and it’s hot in the trashiest of ways. It’s no secret that LiLo likes to bone, and we love a girl who’s got no shame when it comes to her horniness. As her conquest tells it, Lindsay is living La Dolce
Vita Vagina, and we’re happy to go along for the ride. Some choice quotes:
“Lindsay was very, very good and surprisingly experienced. She wanted to do everything, every position. She was extremely flexible and adventurous.” Unlike her dude, we are not surprised at her experience. We have Wilmer Valderrama to thank for that.
“She was wearing mismatched under-wear?a black bra with emerald green French knickers. But they came off too. Naked, she took my breath away.” Lindsay’s bod gives someone else an asthma attack!
“To be honest I felt a bit intimidated. I was with Lindsay Lohan. But I took off my clothes and we started to make love. And then it was just like two ordinary people making love. It was very passionate and intense and lasted for 1 hours, maybe more.” Or until she blacked out from all that vodka.
“She adored kissing and never wanted to stop?no matter what we were doing. We had safe sex, and afterwards she cuddled up to me and we went to sleep.” So she could have sweet dreams of doing other Italian dudes.
We’re not totally sure how it’s possible for one woman to create a gajillion news stories in one day, but Britney Spears seems to be capable of doing just that. So let’s break down the Brit report into two easy categories to try to simplify this mess.
1. What shocked us: Brit tested clean for drugs and alcohol. Turns out Britney’s just really just high on life!
2. What didn’t shock us:
- Where to begin? How about with Dr. Phil? He of course got involved in the drama and then took a beating in the press after it was alleged he arrived unannounced and freaked the freak (Britney) out. He cleared his name this morning and says her fam wanted him there, in true trashy fashion.
- Britney was released early from the hospital. Because celebrities can do whatever they want, no matter how crazy they may be. Lucky!
- Kevin is “freaked out” by Brit’s release and is stocking up on security. The Fedster continues to prove he is way smarter than his outfit choices make him look.
- X17 is accusing Britney’s paparazzi boyfriend of trying to sell his stories – and pics – to news agencies for $5 million dollars! And here we thought he was just interested in making a new friend.
- Brit doesn’t seem to care, and she’s been spotted in Santa Barbara shopping and kissing her new man. Oh, and some video shows Britney on her hotel balcony not wearing pants – the least shocking news of all.
- Sources tell TMZ that her family is desperately trying to get Britney into mental hospital to deal with her (alleged) bi-polar disorder. Maybe they should have thought of this like, four years ago when they were all living the good life off of her cash.
Bounty Hunter Star Busted in the Nude
Dog’s bro and fellow bounty hunter Tim Chapman was arrested after cops found him naked in his truck getting busy with himself. Bad judgment must run in the family.? [TMZ]
K-Fed Gets the Kids
Brit’s out and Kevin’s in as the sole custodian of their two kids. Phew – there’s still time for them not to get completely f*cked up.? [TMZ]
Nicole Kidman: Knocked Up and Nervous
Nic’s dropped out of her latest film to maintain her health while pregnant – and to hide from the world without her botox.? [NY Post]
Is Tom Cruise Scientology?s #2?
A new unauthorized biography alleges that Tom Cruise is Scientology’s second-in-command and that Katie was impregnated with L. Ron Hubbard’s sperm. Um, duh?? [NYDN]
Brangelina Pretends to be Normal in Missouri
Brad’s brood relaxed and hit up a local pizza place while visiting his family in Missouri and basked in the lack of attention they received from locals. Psst, Brange – they were ignoring your asses!? [Us]
Miles Davis The Complete On The Corner Sessions
Some of the fun in roaming through retrospective box sets is finding unissued tracks that add to the music?s ongoing story. In the case of the famed trumpeter?s most experimental music, that track may be ?Mr. Foster.? For 15 minutes Davis wrings blood from his horn, which is hooked-up to a wah-wah pedal and surfing a web of nasty funk pulses driven by drummer Al Foster, whose relentless churning earns itself some props in the song title. It?s snarling yet graceful, obnoxious yet entrancing. This set is the rock-jazz motherlode, the record that critics have been creaming over for the last few months. When Davis made this stuff, in a string of studio dates that stretched from ?72 ? ?75, he was milking Sly and Family Stone, digging the drones of Indian music, and swimming in a sea of funk. Now-exalted, it was snubbed by the era’s jazz fans as being crazy-ass street shit. The naysayers were right: the jams are a jumble of rhythms, glowing with black pride and an acknowledging all things sensual. That’s why hip-hop heads get on board so quickly. Loaded with tension, they glorify the groove and stick it full of glowing abstractions. Put on one of these six CDs, press play, and a whole afternoon will disappear real quick.
We may not be hearing from Britney Spears for a few days – she’s reportedly going to be hospitalized and receiving some serious medical care for the next 72 hours. Here are some other tidbits surrounding Brit-Fest 2008 that have popped up since this morning:
- The starlet apparently was hysterical when strapped down to the gurney. “They had to strap her down like a mental patient and she was going between laughing and hysterics,? a source said.
- Britney may not have been on drugs at all – in fact a new report alleges that her blood tests cane back completely clean. Soberly insane seems kinda crazier than drugged up and insane, right?
- Lynne Spears is distraught and has asked us all to pray. I am praying that I never read about Britney again. How about you?
- Before she locked herself in the bathroom with Jayden, Britney told her court-appointed monitor that she wasn’t planning on giving her kids back to K-Fed. The monitor called the cops, saving the day.
- Brit’s currently being held at Cedars-Sinail Medical Center on an “involuntary psychiatric hold, also known as a Section 5150,” which allows for people in need of “serious need of mental health treatment” to be held involuntarily for up to 72 hours. If it’s determined that she is in need of further treatment, the stay can be extended, against her will.
We hope Britney’s getting all the rest, care and Cheetos that she needs – maybe they can even ween her off her Frappucinos in between dealing with all that mental stuff. And now, back to praying.
Poor little Avril Lavigne. Everything was going so well for her on New Year’s Eve. With her highlights newly hot-pinked and her husband on her arm, Avril attended Prive’s New Year’s bash, where crunkalicious rapper Lil Jon was DJing. With Avril booked to call the countdown, things were looking good for the self-proclaimed “motherf*cking princess.” Disaster struck when Lil Jon decided to do his own countdown, drowning out Avril and sending her into a tailspin. “I wanted to do the countdown!” Avril reportedly cried to hubby Deryck Whibley. Page Six reports that Avril finally dried her eyes when the club brought out the Dom Perignon.
Why this hairstyle has regained it’s popularity, we do not know. But whatever you want to call it – the Suri, the Saleisha, the Tutti – it’s back and it’s BAD. Like really bad. It’s not flattering on anyone, but still everyone keeps cutting their hair and shaping it freakishly around their face. After we noticed Jennifer Hudson stepping out with this new do, we realized something was really awry in La La Land. We’ve accumulated the above images not so much as an hommage to this frightening hair style, but as a warning to any future daring gals – and guys – who might want to go crazy in the barber’s chair. Sit tight. Get the Rachel. This look is wrong on just about everyone – except Dora the Explorer.