Lindsay Lohan will never
drive drunk get caught drunk driving again. She’s about to be scared straight thanks to her court-ordered punishment for all that drunk driving and coke rage last summer. Lindsay will be spending two days working at a morgue, followed by two days working in a hospital emergency room. Sounds like she might want to leave her leggings at home and rock some scrubs for a week! We did a little research and Google image searched ‘morgue,’ and holy sh*t was that a bad idea. If we can freak out just from a couple of thumbnail-sized pics, we have a feeling Lindsay is gonna be quakin’ in her Louboutins. At least she gets to be scared in fancy shoes.
You may have heard that Britney Spears is allegedly suffering from–among other numerous things–multiple personality disorder. She’s got a few Britneys that can pop out at any time, including the British Girl, the Weepy Girl, the Diva and the Incoherent Girl. They sound like the scariest girl clique ever. Seeing as the Associated Press has already written Brit’s obituary in case she kicks the bucket (how classy of them), we’ve penned obits for each of the Britneys that exist, in hopes that maybe a new, singular personality can emerge: Normal Girl.
Diva, Who Looked F*cking Hot in a No Underwear, Passes Away at 26
Diva was hot and sexy and didn’t give a crap what you thought. She doesn’t care if you’re reading this obituary or not. She leaves behind numerous people who can f*ck off and go to hell: her ex-husband Kevin Federline, his lawyers, her lawyers, her parents, her knocked up sister, all her ex-assistants who sold their stories to Us Weekly, President George W. Bush, Kermit the Frog, Candace Cameron and the entire cast of Full House, and her dog, London.
Incoherent Girl, Who Like Y’all What! Hey?, Gone at 26
Oh my word–this butter dip is amazing. Incoherent Girl got some new shoes and they look like tree trunks floating on marshmallows down a river of bread crumbs! There is a cat on your head. Let’s remember that time she accidentally peed her pants on a cruise ship–whoops! It sure is cold in here, y’all. Read more…
Liz Smith says that Quentin Tarantino wants to remake Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Of course he does. What maestro of pop cheese wouldn?t? A trio of busty hotties spewing anger around the Cali desert, busting jujitsu moves on the hapless males that cross their path? It’s a must for anyone into frenzied aggression and woeful scripts. Russ Meyer knew what time it was when he sent those hot-headed strippers out on a Mojave rampage.
But Tarantino?s got a twist, natch. There no room for his girl Uma in this baby. Q sees three fine actresses positioned as the cleavage queens. Say hello to Kim Kardashian, Britney Spears, and Eva Mendes. Brit and Eva can duke it out over who they?ll play, but we know Kardasshian is a shoo-in for the Turo Satana role (even though our graphic is lobbying for Mendes). Once an alpha brunette, always an alpha brunette. Here are a couple of clips to remind you just how wondrous the original film actually is. And one to remind you of Eva’s lusty ways.
Yes, this is all pie-in-the-sky cocktail party talk, but we wish it was opening this weekend. Sounds like it would be a lot more fun than Mad Money. Go, baby, go!
We get it Lindsay, you’re a movie star. You’re Marilyn Monroe and Brigitte Bardot‘s love child. But something ain’t right. Yellow plastic isn’t a good look for you, and frankly, we liked the luxurious red locks better. You remember – your natural hair color, but dyed to make it look even better. So here’s some photographic evidence for you to take a look at. Go ahead, decide for yourself. But let us ask just one thing – would you rather look like a Housewife of Orange County OR would you rather have orangey-red hair? The choice is yours (and is obvious).
PS - You might want to try out another pose other than ‘bitch face’. Kisses!
PPS - We’ll talk about the fake tan next week.
And the Bad (and Ugly):
[All images: Getty]
Listen up, lambs! Mariah‘s back with a new album, wearing nothing but a hat. Mariah’s follow-up to The Emancipation of Mimi is slated to drop in April, and the album cover and title have allegedly leaked. Called That Chick, Mariah stated in early January that she hadn’t yet arrived at an album title and hinted that it might be “the exact opposite” of Mimi. British site Discopop alleges they got a listen, and revealed track titles like “Migrate,” “Lovin’ You Long Time,” “Touch My Body” and “Bye Bye.”
Sad News for Lily Allen
The British singer has reportedly suffered a miscarriage, after annoucing her pregnancy last month. Sadness. [DListed]
Amy?s Shouts for Blake at Hearing
Blonde Wino showed up late to support her hubby at a court hearing, where she hollered sweet nothings at him through the glass and sassed photogs. She’s still got it! [People]
Brit Does Her Own PR
Lest you think Britney is stupid, word is that she leaked the gorgeous pics of her posing with her kids (and not the actual photographer, as was reported) the week she was stripped of her custody. [MSNBC]
Here Comes Heidi Montag?s Single!
And here come our ear plugs! Get ready to turn off the radio on February 5th. [Socialite's Life]
Pam Anderson: Still Desperate to Divorce
Pam and Rick were recently spotted cuddling, but she’s still giving their marriage the boot. If she is knocked up, she’s raising their kid sans its sex tape daddy. [TMZ]
You saw this week’s opening shot from the American Idol gang–a bunch of dreamers from Philly and Dallas laying it out there. That includes James Lewis, the basso-voiced dude who puts mucho drama into his performances. It’s hard to tell if he’s serious or not. But this clip suggests that Tay Zonday might have put him up to it.
Side note: Is it right for the dumb-assed show judges to chortle at James?
Britney. Up all night. Again. Thank goodness for Starbucks, huh? Last night Britney managed to have dinner with her boyfriend, get a bunch of photographers arrested, shop for groceries at midnight, and then force some poor girl to open up Kitson at 2 a.m. so she could go shopping. Britney left the store in a men’s shirt, tie and not much else. How much do you want to bet that salesgirl quit as soon as she woke up this afternoon?
Foxy Brown is a genius, seriously. Her latest attempt to get out of jail involves her ears–which she should have used to listen to the judge back when she was put on probation. Had she done that–and behaved herself–she probably wouldn’t have ended up in jail in the first place. But alas, Foxy’s Blackberry-hurling ways landed her behind bars for a year, and now she’s written to the judge, attempting to get released early so that she can fix her on-again off-again hearing problem. Say what?
“I ask you to please take into consideration that my health is in jeopardy. Yes, I’ve made some bad choices and stupid mistakes. But please understand that sitting in a prison with murderers and criminals is not rehabilitating or what I need to deal with my inner issues.”
Or her inner ear. The only doctor who’s had success treating Foxy is in California, obvs. That’s where her lawyer wants her to head. He told the judge, “If her hearing is damaged any further . . . it will have dire consequences on her ability to maintain her profession and livelihood.” Seeing as her livelihood prior to her incarceration was causing mayhem by throwing sh*t at people, we think Foxy’s probably fine just where she is.
Paula?s Superbowl Show a “Massive Disaster”
Insiders are saying Paula’s half time show is gonna straight up suck. But America will watch because she’s forever our girl. Rush, rush to your TV! [TMZ]
Amy?s Hubby Ready To Divorce
Her man threatened divorce after a major fight. Has Blake finally gotten off the drugs and wised up in jail? [DListed]
Ashley Olsen Sucks Jared Leto?s Face
Well-dressed troll + rocker a-hole = love. Awwww. [Us]
Oops! Someone Pissed off the Scientologists
Tom Cruise’s church is laying on the legal BS after Gawker posted this video of Tommy ranting, claiming copyright infringement. [Gawker]
K-Fed?s Lawyer Talks Up his Client
Kevin’s suit is claiming that Brit’s Ex wants to raise their kids together. Don’t lie, Kev. We’d be stoked about sole custody too. [People]