Ashlee & Pete Prep for Boring Emo Wedding

by (@katespencer)

ashpete.jpg

  • Eye liner? Check.
  • Hair straightener? Check.
  • White Doc Martens? Check.
  • Black skinny tux with skinny tie? Check.
  • Loony divorced big sister/maid of honor/drunkest person at the reception? CHECK!

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are getting married this weekend, and no one cares! The pair are going to great lengths to keep the affair “top secret,” but they could get married in my apartment and I wouldn’t freak out and go. Their lovey-dovey emo shtick is getting very, very old, so we wish them the best in their marriage, which will hopefully be way more successful than Ashlee’s music career. [Us]

Beyonce Chowing Down for Phantom Baby

by (@katespencer)

beyonce.jpg

Can’t Beyonce and Jay-Z just enjoy being married for a while? Not everyone has to go and pull an Ashlee Simpson and get preggers and married all at once. B’s belly is the topic of much speculation (even though as you can see in the pic above from last week, there’s nothing there), as some pals are secretly coming forward to reveal that she’s currently knocked up. One loose-lipped friend says, “She has gained a lot of pregnancy weight. When she gains weight, she normally does the Def Jam detox, but not now.”

Wait a second. Forget the pregnancy – what the f*ck is the “Def Jam detox?!” Google is revealing nothing – does it involve listening to old Beastie Boys and LL Cool J tracks while eating salad? Rick Rubin, fill us in! Beyonce’s rep was having none of the baby buzz, and said, “I don’t know if she’s pregnant. Let me perform an ultrasound and get back to you.”

We’re waiting!

Gossip Break: Sarah J.’s Hat – Hot or Not?

by (@katespencer)

sjp.jpg

Spencer and Heidi fake a Mother’s Day photoshoot, and drag Heidi’s mama into the mix. [DListed]

Just looking at Sarah Jessica Parker‘s hat gives us a headache. [JustJared]

Donna Martin AND Kelly Taylor are heading back onto 90210! [Seriously? OMG!]

Jennifer Aniston likes her John Mayer shirtless and wet. Meow! Cougar alert! [IDLYITW]

Katie Holmes: pregnant again or just creepy? [ICYDK]

Ben Affleck admits his regret over doing that dumb “Jenny from the Block” video back in the day. We forgive, but we’ll never forget, Ben! [I'mNotObsessed]

A high school student was arrested solely for her prom dress. Fashion freedom should be in the first amendment! [Crunk + Disorderly]

Suge Knight’s L.A. Ass Whooping

by (@katespencer)

suge.jpg

Hey look – Suge Knight is still around doing what he does best – getting into trouble. The former hip-hop mogul allegedly got his ass kicked outside a Los Angeles nightclub this weekend, after he charged at some duding screaming “I want my money!” Suge grabbed him in a headlock, but the guy slipped out and clocked the Death Row founder in the face. Apparently Knight was on the ground for three minutes before he could walk away from the scene and headed to the hospital with the LAPD. TMZ has pics of Suge covered in blood, taken right after sh*t went down. He later refused to press charges against the guy, but if I were the culprit I’d look out. Suge wants his money, and knowing him, he’ll get it. [NYDN]

Beyonce’s Kid Clothes Perfect for Trashy Tots

by (@katespencer)

dereon-kids.jpg

Here’s the latest in clothes for girls from Beyonce and her mother’s fashion line, House of Dereon. These threads are definitely going to be a hit, as there’s certainly not a lot of heels or boas out there on the market for four year olds. Aren’t all moms out there desperate for a way to skank up their tots, Pussycat Dolls style? I think so!

So go ahead youngin’s – grab that leopard print had, slip into your heels and that sexy denim outfit, and jam it out that piano you don’t yet know how to play. You look so damn hot, no one will even notice. [DListed]

Gossip Break: Nicole’s a Hot Mama

by (@katespencer)

nicole-richie-2.jpgNicole Richie is gracing the pages of Harper’s with her baby girl, barefoot boyfriend, and dad (clad in an ironic t-shirt). Pretty. [Harper's Bazaar]

Paris Hilton wants to be a mommy and is off to great start by comparing kids to her pets. [Seriously? OMG!]

Has Ciara moved on from Fiddy with a new man? [YBF]

Kimora and Russell are still having divorce drama, after she tried to block him from obtaining joint custody of their two tots. [Crunk+Disorderly]

After being released from jail, Amy Winehouse hit the town looking like a cracked out extra from Grease. [I'm Not Obsessed]

Fergie almost falls down and twists her ankle while leaving the Waverly Inn. It’s tumblicious. [CelebSlam]

Britney and K-Fed practice safe sex and do it over the phone. Still gross! [IDLYITW]

Katherine Heigl thinks she’s too good for Grey’s Anatomy and wants out of her contract, so she can continue making movies for my grandmother. [DListed]

Nick Cannon‘s wedding ring has arrived in NYC! Oh, and so has Nick. [Just Jared]

Rihanna and Chris get turned on by bucket of fried chicken, make out in a KFC. [ConcreteLoop]

Boob Watch: Stare & See if Ash is Preggers

by (@katespencer)

ash-boobs.jpg

You know how you know when someone is pregnant? When they tell you (or ya know, when they pop a baby out after nine months). But of course the NY Daily News can’t stop speculating about what’s going on in Ashlee Simpson‘s still-flat belly, so they’ve moved north to her breasts. “Possibly pregnant Ashlee Simpson did little to squash baby rumors when she recently flaunted a chest that could rival her big sis Jessica’s,” the rag gushed today.

Her rep chalked it up to a “great bra,” but we chalk it up to serious desperation on behalf of the newspaper. Next time do a little research – her boobs looked bigger in 2007! [Sidenote: Ash is rumored to be getting married to Pete Wentz next week - we can't wait to analyze her wedding dress breasts.]

Shouldn’t Brit Look This Good Every Day?

by (@katespencer)

Hey Britney,

Listen up. You look REALLY good in this video clip from your second stint on How I Met Your Mother. We’re talking pre-Federline good. Now that’s something! So could you please hire whoever is styling you on set and bring them home to your Beverly Hills lair and pay them loads of cash to help you look this good as you parade to the dance studio everyday? Trust us – this is the best advice you’ve gotten since your parents told you to get rid of Sam Lutfi, and your hair will look infinitely better than it does now.

Please?

Lohan’s New Song: Listen at Your Own Risk

by (@katespencer)

lilo22.jpg

We have no idea why LiLo continues to insist on having a singing career. It’s not like she’s actually very good at singing, nor does she have any fans. So basically the whole thing is glorified karaoke, done solely to massage Lindsay’s ego. Fine. But couldn’t she have at least picked a better song to drop from her new album? Listen to her new track “Bossy” and let us know if you’re down with the tune or think it’s rough on the ears. Ne-Yo wrote the track, and described it as “a song for Lindsay Lohan that people were gonna take seriously.”Seriously? We think not.

Gossip Break: Wino Wants to Go to Jail

by (@katespencer)

wino.jpgWhoops, Wino did it again. That crack habit just keeps getting her in trouble with the police. [DListed]

Kelly Osbourne looks really hot when she’s plastered and unable to walk. [Seriously? OMG!]

Christina Milian says Nick Cannon‘s a big ol’ cheater. [I'mNotObsessed]

Madonna brought a female fan on-stage last night and kissed her, which is like the tamest thing she’s done in years. Not shocked! [CelebSlam]

Britney wore a dress from 2001 to Jamie-Lynn‘s baby shower. But at least she’s smiling! [ICYDK]

Barbara Walters and Star Jones are feuding; and no one under 80 cares. [Us]