By Guest Blogger Britney J. Spears
Take that, ya’ll! All you people said that just because I have stains on my shirt and eat Taco Bell for every meal and wear the same boots every day that my career was over, but guess what, it ain’t! Ha! My new album is at the top of the charts this week because I am sexy and awesome. I’ve sold 325,000 copies so far. That’s like, a big city of people! That’s probably as many people as in New York, or Disney World, or China! I am awesome! So awesome that I can park in handicapped parking, ya’ll! And it’s not because my acne counts as a handicap (even thought it should), it’s because I park where I feel like, and I don’t care I’m screwing someone who can’t walk out of a parking spot. I’m Britney, you handicapped b*tches!
Next time ya’ll feel like dissin’ me, just remember who is selling a butt load of albums without doing any promotional work for it whatsoever. No tour, no photoshoots, no nothing! I’ll I gotta do is hawk some perform and mess up my kids and you people fawn all over me freaking out. The joke is on you! Oh – that would make a really good album name. I gotta write that in my dream journal. Now if you’ll excuse me, my Hot Pockets are ready and I think I hear my dog barking. Oh – that’s Sean Preston. Oops.
Only a handful of performers exist in the hallowed first-name-only hall of fame, but Colombian bombshell Shakira proves her status in this exclusive clip from her upcoming Oral Fixation Tour DVD, out on November 13th. Find out which beloved hit Shakira powerfully performs. Get your lighters out!
If you’re a hard rock fan, you now know that Jimmy Page’s recently fractured finger has pushed back the date of the much buzzed-about Led Zeppelin reunion. Ouch for him and ouch for fans who’d made travel plans to go to London in late November. The show’s current date is December 10, and last night, while accepting a lifetime recognition from the Classic Rock Awards in London, the superstar told reporters how his left pinky was hurt when he stumbled over a stone slab in his garden – at least there wasn’t a bustle in his hedgerow. The ever-popular guitarist’s finger was bandaged. Here’s what he said about the fall in a formal statement last Friday.
Page also mentioned that fans can expect the group to play “a lot of the songs that people really want to hear” at the upcoming show. I wonder which one he’s refering to? If you’d like to suggest some, or WIN TIX TO THE SHOW, make the jump and weigh in.
A few months back, Courtney Love was reportedly planning an auction of deceased husband Kurt Cobain‘s possessions. Now the Widow Love has decided to clean out her own closet before selling her collection of flannel. According to the Lucky magazine blog, Ms. Love is auctioning off almost 150 pieces, with 10% of the proceeds going to L.A. homeless charity Chrysalis. So what can we expect to see from alterna-rock’s answer to Yoko Ono? Here’s what we think Love might be unloading:
47 pairs of ripped stockings
5 lipstick smeared babydoll dresses
Steve Coogan’s pajama bottoms
13 broken barrettes
1 Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt from their 1990 tour
Star Jones Disses Teen Fans
The talk show host takes her diva-ness to a new level after she bailed on speaking to a group of underprivileged teenage girls because they weren’t able to raise the full $25,000 she demanded as payment. [NYDN]
Pete Doherty Back on Smack
Oh look, the consummate heroin addict is back on drugs – and he’s put it all on video in case there were doubts about his love for smack. [DListed]
Angelina Finally Snaps About Jen
Ms. Perfect snapped at a reporter who had the audacity to ask about her and Jen’s dueling magazine covers. Angie’s human after all! [DListed]
Oprah Goes YouTube Crazy
The Queen of Chat is now the Queen of the Internet – we expect an awesome breakdancing video or a ripoff of LonelyGirl15 any day now. [JustJared]
Spice Girls Debut Super Sexy Video
Even though they’re older and all have kids, the Girls are all sorts of sexy in their new vid. Still – what’s with all the leather underwear? [A Socialite's Life]
Wait – what did you say, Mr. 50 Cent? You’re NOT retiring after all? What about all the tension, the drama, and the feud that recharged hip hop and the music industry? All lies, apparently. Though he told the world that he’d “no longer perform music” if Kanye West sold more records than him on September 11th when their albums were released, Fiddy has apparently chosen money over promises made for publicity reasons. “No, I’m not retiring,” the rapper told this NY Daily News this week. “[My album] was No. 1 internationally the week it came out. It was the No. 1 European album!”
Well hats off to 50 Cent! That’s quite an accomplishment, sure, but we thought he was a man of your word. Turns out, he’s just a man made of dollar signs. Afterall, Fiddy said it best this week: “It’s all about the numbers at the end of the day.” Word.
Time for Fiddy to Pack his Things
Kanye vs Kevlar King: Fiddy Got a Future?
50 Cent Serves Up Whole New Plate of Beef
Kanye West and 50 Cent?s Feud Fizzles
As you’ve probably heard by now, the Writers Guild of America went on strike last night, the first time television’s wordsmiths have walked out since those halcyon pre-Seinfeld days of broadcast greatness. How does this affect you? Well, if you’re a fan of soaps, talk shows and the fake news, let’s put it this way: You’re not going to be happy. It will take a little longer for lovers of scripted sitcoms and dramas to feel the bite, but it’s coming — those shows tape farther in advance, but if this continues, they’re going to run out of material, too. (Maybe the producers will fill in, or maybe YouTube will pick up the slack, or maybe we’ll all just take breather and go, you know, outside.) The blogosphere is abuzz with all the latest developments. NYMag.com, for instance, printed a wonderful pic of Tina Fey on the picket line outside Rockefeller Center, and The Los Angeles Times ran a handy chart as to which shows would suffer and when. Here are two of the more interesting items:
Let’s all do a happy dance, as this is the greatest, most awesome, probably not true rumor of the day! Apparently Britney – who has always been rumored to have lesbian tendencies – told a pal, ?I really love Kim?s butt, skin and hair. Kim is a real woman. A real horny beast.? Kim Kardashian is soooo lucky! Who wouldn’t want the world’s worst mom (with the world’s best hair extensions) lusting after them? Sadly, Kim is not alone. Britney also allegedly wants to get nekkid with Carmen Electra, George Clooney and Eminem. That’s quite a crew, huh! So who else might be on Britney’s list?
- The Snapple Lady, Wendy Kaufman (almost as voluptuous as Kim)
- Rudy Guiliani (Brit likes powerful dudes)
- Rihanna (obviously – who wouldn’t want to get near her)
- Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel (ex sex and a threesome – kinky!)
- The judge in her custody case (okay, now this is just plain gross)
In the December issue of Ebony, Michael Jackson grants his first magazine interview in 10 years and boy, is it…boring. You should start reading any superstar interview expecting a very guarded self-portrayal, but this one is virtually missing all signs of Jackson-family nonsense. Sadness! According to Mike, Ne-Yo and Chris Brown are “wonderful,” Stevie Wonder is a “prophet,” global warming is scary and presidential elections aren’t worth following. Fas. Cin. A. Ting. The only shred of dirt comes via the nickname Quincy gave Mike during the creation of Thriller, as alluded to above. Says M.J.:
“Quincy calls me a nickname, ‘Smelly’…Back then, especially back then — I say a few swear words now — but especially then, you couldn’t get me to swear. So I would say, ‘That’s a smelly song.’ That would mean, ‘It’s so great,’ that you’re engrossed in it. So he would call me ‘Smelly.’“
Now when people call Michael Jackson “Smelly,” they’re referring to the formaldehyde that’s preserving him. You know, the more things change, the more they stay the same. For the complete interview and more airbrushed-to-womanhood pictures, hit up ohnotheydidnt.
In most venues, the “green room” is where an artist waits to take the stage. But in The Next Great American Band, it also holds the trap door that drops the losers into oblivion. On Friday night, voters pulled the lever on The Hatch and The Light of Day. Did you hear their screams for help as they plummeted? Did you see their tears? Well, no big loss. Both outfits were mawkish and generic, and ultimately we knew they’d head home with their Strats between their legs. .
Friday’s show was about three things: band names, Elton John, and bad singing. Here’s the list.
Sixwire: The ersatz Eagles outfit adored by all three judges once called themselves The Remnants. Their version of “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” sounded like Kenny Loggins fronting REO.
Tres Bien: a fan once asked if their moniker meant “Three Beans.” Viewers know that it actually means “Garage Band version of the Turtles,” though Dicko rightly busted ‘em for pilfering a Yardbirds vibe.
Franklin Bridge: Evidently they’ve always been named FB, explaining that it’s a crucial connector that unites Jersey with Philly. Yawn. Their spin on 24-7 Spyz has some prog to it; nice to hear the funkateers getting their Yes on. Yours is no disgrace.
The Clarke Brothers: Early on, the twang sibs wanted to call themselves both Sasafras and Shotgun Wedding, but they stuck with the tedious surname approach. Their spin through “Country Comfort” gave Johnny Rzeznik “goosebumps.”
Light of Doom: The metal Hanson have always been Light of Doom. They even played a song called “Light of Doom.” And, god love ‘em, they haven’t a clue as to what the name might represent. They also haven’t a clue as to the real name of Elton’s lyricist. “Here’s a version of a song by Elton John and Bernie Poppin‘,” said the lead longhair before tearing into “Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting.”