Let’s all do a happy dance, as this is the greatest, most awesome, probably not true rumor of the day! Apparently Britney – who has always been rumored to have lesbian tendencies – told a pal, ?I really love Kim?s butt, skin and hair. Kim is a real woman. A real horny beast.? Kim Kardashian is soooo lucky! Who wouldn’t want the world’s worst mom (with the world’s best hair extensions) lusting after them? Sadly, Kim is not alone. Britney also allegedly wants to get nekkid with Carmen Electra, George Clooney and Eminem. That’s quite a crew, huh! So who else might be on Britney’s list?
- The Snapple Lady, Wendy Kaufman (almost as voluptuous as Kim)
- Rudy Guiliani (Brit likes powerful dudes)
- Rihanna (obviously – who wouldn’t want to get near her)
- Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel (ex sex and a threesome – kinky!)
- The judge in her custody case (okay, now this is just plain gross)
In the December issue of Ebony, Michael Jackson grants his first magazine interview in 10 years and boy, is it…boring. You should start reading any superstar interview expecting a very guarded self-portrayal, but this one is virtually missing all signs of Jackson-family nonsense. Sadness! According to Mike, Ne-Yo and Chris Brown are “wonderful,” Stevie Wonder is a “prophet,” global warming is scary and presidential elections aren’t worth following. Fas. Cin. A. Ting. The only shred of dirt comes via the nickname Quincy gave Mike during the creation of Thriller, as alluded to above. Says M.J.:
“Quincy calls me a nickname, ‘Smelly’…Back then, especially back then — I say a few swear words now — but especially then, you couldn’t get me to swear. So I would say, ‘That’s a smelly song.’ That would mean, ‘It’s so great,’ that you’re engrossed in it. So he would call me ‘Smelly.’“
Now when people call Michael Jackson “Smelly,” they’re referring to the formaldehyde that’s preserving him. You know, the more things change, the more they stay the same. For the complete interview and more airbrushed-to-womanhood pictures, hit up ohnotheydidnt.
In most venues, the “green room” is where an artist waits to take the stage. But in The Next Great American Band, it also holds the trap door that drops the losers into oblivion. On Friday night, voters pulled the lever on The Hatch and The Light of Day. Did you hear their screams for help as they plummeted? Did you see their tears? Well, no big loss. Both outfits were mawkish and generic, and ultimately we knew they’d head home with their Strats between their legs. .
Friday’s show was about three things: band names, Elton John, and bad singing. Here’s the list.
Sixwire: The ersatz Eagles outfit adored by all three judges once called themselves The Remnants. Their version of “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” sounded like Kenny Loggins fronting REO.
Tres Bien: a fan once asked if their moniker meant “Three Beans.” Viewers know that it actually means “Garage Band version of the Turtles,” though Dicko rightly busted ‘em for pilfering a Yardbirds vibe.
Franklin Bridge: Evidently they’ve always been named FB, explaining that it’s a crucial connector that unites Jersey with Philly. Yawn. Their spin on 24-7 Spyz has some prog to it; nice to hear the funkateers getting their Yes on. Yours is no disgrace.
The Clarke Brothers: Early on, the twang sibs wanted to call themselves both Sasafras and Shotgun Wedding, but they stuck with the tedious surname approach. Their spin through “Country Comfort” gave Johnny Rzeznik “goosebumps.”
Light of Doom: The metal Hanson have always been Light of Doom. They even played a song called “Light of Doom.” And, god love ‘em, they haven’t a clue as to what the name might represent. They also haven’t a clue as to the real name of Elton’s lyricist. “Here’s a version of a song by Elton John and Bernie Poppin‘,” said the lead longhair before tearing into “Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting.”
It only took us an entire weekend to get over the news. Still, we’re so shocked we can barely type. Christina.Aguilera.Is.Pregnant. Can you believe it?! The singer reveals all in the latest issue of British Glamour, saying that she’s “about to enter mommyhood.” We checked, and ‘mommyhood’ is not an LA nightclub. She may have made up a word, but we think she’s talking about becoming a mother! We didn’t see this one coming, so we’d like to wish X-Tina and her hubby and very happy pregnancy. In retrospect, that whole baby registry thing should have clued us in, and we weren’t really paying attention when Paris Hilton announced Christina’s good news in September. Perhaps we should have paid more attention to her growing belly too. How did we not see this one coming?!? [Getty]
T-Pain Turns Himself in to Police
That warrant for driving on a suspended license finally caught up with the rapper, who is back home after being released by the cops. [Yahoo]
Shia LaBeouf Gets Drunk & Arrested
The new Lindsay Lohan has emerged – and it’s a dude! How politically correct. [People]
Dog Chapman Booted Off TV
Say goodbye to the Bounty Hunter – A&E has pulled the show indefinitely. It’s not canceled – but it’s not on the air, either.
Britney?s Bad Parenting Skills
Oh now this makes sense – Brit left her kids in the car (monitored, but still) on one of her two visitation days while she went chandelier shopping. Surely the parenting coach has something to say about this! [DListed]
Oprah Finally Speaks About School
The talk show diva is devastated by her South African school’s drama, but is “learning” from the experience. That’s our Oprah! [TMZ]
What would you do with $102,000 a month? If you were Britney Spears, you’d spend it on “entertainment, gifts and vacations.” Drugs are expensive, ya’ll! The singer rakes in approximately $737,868 per month, so she can afford to spend over $10,000 on utilities for her mansions, $16,000 on clothes and about $50,000 on mortages. Wow – looking like ass is seriously expensive! She must take a vacation a week while wearing a new diamond space suit each day to spend that much, and sadly she still has millions left over.
K-Fed meanwhile, spends much less, but the guy’s living off of child support and the $5 a month he’s still pulling in from sales of his not-so-successful record Playing With Fire. On average he drops $2000 on clothes and $5000 on entertainment per month. He must know some cheap strippers!
But the most hilarious – and depressing – amount is what Little Miss Rich Pants and her ex give to charity. From that six figure number, Brit gives just $500 a month to her organization the Britney Spears Foundation. Kevin, on the other hand, gave nothing to help any causes, but isn’t that because he’s basically a charity case himself? [TMZ. Image: Getty]
Britney and Kim Talk Nonsense
Britney Waves Goodbye To Babies
Britney Pisses Off The Catholic Church
In our final installment of John Mayer playing a side-burned prima donna [Ed: Is there anything this guy can't do?!?] Johnny makes his three-day, music-filled cruise sound more like the Love Boat as he describes the practice of shrimping.
And though the contest to stowaway aboard Cap’n John’s ship may have ended, it’s not too late to purchase tickets for the Mayercraft cruise. Ahoy!
Amy is back and more effed up than ever. Her performance at last night’s MTV Europe Music Awards is like Britney’s VMA disaster without the laughs (and bikini). It’s only more painful to watch her exuberant back up singers/dancers jam beside her as she teeters on-stage, gripping the mic for balance. The girl is so seriously incoherent and messed up that she probably walked offstage after her wobbly performance and passed out. We’d normally point out that her denim dress from 1992 borders on fashion faux pas territory, but that’s the least of our worries. This isn’t the first time Amy’s delivered a rough performance at an awards show, which is what makes this sorry showing so sad. It’s only that much more heartbreaking that while she’s singing about going “back to black,” she’s fading onstage. Words becoming life only make the whole thing worse. Someone help! [ via DListed]
Colbert Can?t Run for Prez
The South Carolina democrats won’t let the state’s “favorite son” on the presidential ballot. We smell a write in! [DListed]
Eminem Busy with New Babe
So this is what the rapper’s been up to for the past few year’s – getting laid. [NYP]
Britney?s Ex-Manager Sues the Star
Who hasn’t Britney screwed over in the past couple of years? At least she already knows her way around the courthouse. [Us]
Jake and Reese Heat up Halloween
The actor took Reese’s two kids trick-or-treating dressed as a gorilla. It really is love, after all! [Us]
Arrest Expected at Oprah?s School
Let this be a lesson for her school’s students – and the world. Nobody messes with Oprah, b*tches. Nobody! [People]