Britney & Lindsay’s Moms Hog the Spotlight

by (@katespencer)

lynne-dina.jpgWanna know why Lindsay and Britney are all sorts of effed up? Look no further than the ladies that popped ‘em out. Dina Lohan and Lynne Spears both seem to prefer spending time focusing the spotlight on themselves than helping their kids. And this is why we LOVE them! Because really, can we ever have too many trashy ladies in our life? Even though Lindsay may be hiding out from the paparazzi for the first time in her life, Dina is busy mom-ing for the cameras for her new – what elsereality show! Dina will surely ruin her younger daughter Ali’s life by forcing her to star in it, but her reasons for the sure-to-be flop are true and genuine. ?There are so many misconceptions about me and my family,? Mama Lohan said. ?I?m setting the record straight.? Roughly translated, she means “Money money money money money fame money I’m jealous of Lindsay money money.”

Meanwhile the woman who soiled the world with her Spears spawn is set to write a tell-all book about her “personal story of raising high-profile children while coming from a low-profile Louisiana community.” Will Lynne detail how she enabled one of them to become a coked up divorcee and mom of two by the age of 25? We can only hope! That’s some seriously high-profile shizz!? [Getty]

Rock Band Band (Part II): Irrational Hatred of Canada, Tearing Down the Berlin Wall and the Sweet Sweet Love of Nikola Tesla

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Rock Band Band is the greatest band ever to grace the semi-fictional stage. Their performances are legendary. Their attitude influenced generations. And their grooming habits left a lot to be desired. Before their reunion tour, we caught up with them to discover what, exactly, they need to function when they?re on the road.

VH1: What’s your least favorite part of touring?
Rock Band Band:
It’s always hard to understand people when they’re not speaking English. People in other cites, like Europe and Asia, they speak weird. And we can’t understand them, except when they get it right and say things like “television” or “popcorn.” It’s really hard for us.

VH1: Do you have a least favorite city? Most favorite city?
RBB:
We hate all of Canada because they embarrassed us when they banned us from their country. Canada is the worst city in the entire world. We love NYC, the giant fruity apple, because it’s home, and everyone there knows our names and they treat us like the rock royalty that we are.

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Friday: Owen Wilson Opens Up

by (@katespencer)

owen-wilson-102607.jpgParis Hilton Bails on Charity Trip
Big surprise – Paris would rather go shopping than go to Rwanda. The entire African continent is breathing one giant sigh of relief. [People]

Nicole Richie Bashes Hilary Duff
Even moms-to-be like to be catty – the bigger the belly, the bigger the b*tch. [DListed]

Owen Wilson Finally Speaks
The troubled actor is interviewed by director pal Wes Anderson in a chat to be published tonight on Myspace. Yay? [Us]

Brit?s Hit-and-Run Charges Disappear
She’s gonna wash shave those charges right out of her hair! Too bad she’s still in trouble for that whole driving without a license stupidity. [NYDN]

Lindsay Loves Hotel Living
LiLo holes up in a new hotel – because houses are so 2006. Pssst, Linds – so are leggings! [NYP]

Who Are the Five Unsexiest Women Alive?

by (@katespencer)

That glorious mens rag Maxim has named the following ladies The Five Unsexiest Women Alive:

5. Britney Spears
4. Madonna
3. Sandra Oh
2. Amy Winehouse
1. Sarah Jessica Parker

Sarah Jessica has a horse face! Brit’s gained “23 pounds of Funyun pudge!” Yeah we get it – some ladies aren’t Megan Fox and therefore deserve what little self worth they have left shredded to bits with hackneyed, overused phrases. It’s a good thing they have their millions to cry into! Also – Sandra Oh? Really? We get Britney, but Oh was totally bangin’ back in Sideways. Get with it. We thought the original list could use some real, hardcore unsexiness, so here’s our go at it. What do you think?

5. anncoulter2.jpg Ann Coulter

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Britney’s Secret Diary Revealed!

by (@katespencer)

britneyspears102507.jpgJust what we’ve been waiting for – the secret diary of Miss Britney Spears! Apparently lil’ miss collagen lips had herself a private journal, but got sick of it and tossed it in the trash – right next to her old puppy BitBit. Never fear, her wonderful friend Sam Lufti apparently dug it up and is shopping it around for $2 million. The asking price seems ridiculous, though she does allegedly dish on her drug habits! Oh, what we wouldn’t give to have that book in our hands. Sam did let us have a sneak peek, however – and here’s one page we were able to pull.

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Mariah Carey on the Way Things Work

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Mariah Carey‘s upcoming album is now as delayed as signs of aging are on her face. But you can’t blame Botox for this one — in fact, it’s hard to know what to blame. It would seem that it’s merely a matter of Mariah taking the time to record the album that she wants to (art, much like love, takes time, didn’t you know?). She’s, in fact, still recording — she recently had a “really hot” session with “someone Miami” (she’s not saying who). Except, instead of using the perfectly valid excuse of that pesky creative process, she’s blaming the delay on…consumerism. Eh? Says Mimi:

You can’t really put records out in December if you want the whole world to have a chance to actually hear it, [and] my fans all over the world are very important to me.

How selfless of her! Pay no attention to the fact that more albums sell during the holiday-buying season than any other time of year. You know, she’s only been doing this for 17 years, you can’t really expect her to understand how the music industry works. [MTV News / Image credit: Getty]

Lindsay’s New Year’s Party: Toasting with Apple Juice

by (@katespencer)

lindsaylohan102507.jpgWhoops! Lindsay Lohan backed out of hosting her birthday party at Las Vegas club Pure this summer to enroll in rehab, but she had no problem pocketing the $400,000 she was supposedly given for the gig. Now the club is holding her to her word, and she’s stuck hosting a New Year’s Eve party at the joint sober ‘cuz she doesn’t have enough dough to pay them back. So what the hell is our rehabbed diva gonna serve? [Getty]

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Thursday: Brit and K-Fed Reunited & It Feels So Toxic

by (@katespencer)

britkfed.jpgBrit and K-Fed Forced to Reunite
The pair met for their first parenting class yesterday, and Brit supposedly burst into tears. Don’t worry – it was a happy cry that she’s not Popozao-ing anymore. [TMZ]

Is Lance Bass Feuding with Fiddy?
The boy-bander and the hip hop star are releasing books on the same day and swapped “words” about their dueling tomes. At least 50 will probably win this one. [NYDN]

Diddy Dishes on J. Lo?s Baby
The rapper claims that he’ll be the best god-daddy to J. Lo’s kids, complete with plenty of gifts. No offense Diddy, but we think she’s gonna ask Ben Affleck first. [Us]

Jessica Biel Gets P*ssed at Paps
Er – just who does she think she is (and who do the photogs think she is?) – Britney? someone we actually care about? Puh-lease. [DListed]

Spice Girls Plan Tell-All Film
The gals are planning to release a rock doc that tells the story of the band from creation to the present. We’d rather just watch the “Wannabee” video on repeat for two hours. [JustJared]

John Mayer: Sideburns On the High Seas

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You know how stars are: if they’re not happy, they jump on the celly with their babysitters and pitch a fit. We thought John Mayer was different – he’s a happy-go-lucky dude, no? But glue some seafaring captain’s whiskers on the side of his face and he gets all precious on you. We think he should sport those sideburns on through the end of ’08. Could bring a bit of gravitas to his artistic persona. This clip (it’s a goof, c’mon) will explain the whole thing.

If you’re a Mayer maven, you probably know that the costume is part of his promo campaign for the Mayercraft Cruise Sweepstakes, where you can win a few days buzzing around the Bahamas with JM himself, and pals such as Colbie Caillat and Brandi Carlile. You relax, they play some tunes, you hang with ‘em on the poopdeck.

Who Would You Rather: Pete, Carrot Top or a Cartoon Potato?

by (@katespencer)

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We checked out pics of Pete Doherty leaving court today looking all sorts of messed up (and sober, natch) and kinda had to wonder – would we hit it? Probably not, though throw in a couple other seedy options and we might. So in honor of our favorite game Who Would You Rather, we ask YOU dear reader, who would you rather get with? Sober, chunk-faced zit master Pete, the prop-loving monstrosity Carrot top, or this adorable cartoon potato we found using Google Image Search? Our pick has dreamy green eyes! [Getty]