American Idol Day 6: Simon Turns Vicious

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Auditions: Miami

After a disappointing day in Omaha, the American Idol judges headed to Miami, where the warm weather seemed to ratchet up the energy and give Idol some of the juice it has been lacking. Simon was the real star of last night’s auditions, delivering some of the choicest, strangest, and cruelest rejections we?ve heard all season, a welcome return to form for the curmudgeonly Brit.

Let?s review, shall we, the destruction:

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Thursday: Madonna Makes More Money Than You

by (@katespencer)

madonna.jpgMichelle Kicked Out Heath Cuz of His Drug Habit
Apparently the actor was tormented by an addiction that ended his relationship. Sigh – isn’t this story already sad enough? [NY Post]

Madonna is the Richest Mama in Music
The Material Girl makes the most money of all women in music, raking in $72 million last year. According to the Forbes list, Britney brought up the rear in 14th place. Here’s to women with fake British accents! [Us]

Avril Lavigne Wants You to Stink Like Her
Avs is about to follow the lead of every other lady singer and create her own perfume. Isn’t smelling good the opposite of punk? [DListed]

Paris Gets Hot n’ Heavy with Elisha Cuthbert
Nothing like a little girl-on-girl action to remind the world that Paris is still as annoying and attention-hungry as ever.? [Us]
Hulk Hogan Endorses Obama for Prez
Finally the presidential campaign is relevant. Thanks Hulk.? [TMZ]

Britney Hospitalized & On Psychiatric Hold

by (@katespencer)

It happened again late last night: Britney Spears was shuttled to the hospital – this time to UCLA Medical Center – in an ambulance surrounded by police and paparazzi. Fortunately things went down differently for the pop princess’ second hospital stint, dare we even say calmly. Brit’s new psychiatrist set off the chain of events, which had apparently been planned for days, after he determined that her behavior was reckless (driving around like a lunatic in a pink wig) and deteriorating (not sleeping since Saturday. Saturday!!!). He called the police and paramedics, who knew of the plan beforehand and referred to Britney in code, calling her “The Package.” Britney was extremely calm during the entire thing, making herself hot chocolate and waiting in silence. Her mom, however, apparently freaked out, and there is allegedly major tension between the family and Sam Lutfi, who orchestrated the whole event. Also on the scene: cousin Alli Sims, an aunt, Britney’s did Jamie, and her bizarre paparazzi-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib.

Britney is now currently at the hospital (where she’s been allowed smoking breaks) under a 72-hour hold, and could be kept as long as 14 days. There’s allegedly some drama between her family and Sam over who gets to make the medical decisions for Brit, as she had her lawyers draft up papers after her last hospital stint that puts Lutfi in charge of her medical decisions. Apparently Brit’s dad blew up at Sam and accused him of trying to control Brit’s life.

Check out the above video of the scene as Britney was taken away from her house to the hospital late last night. Apparently the line of police and medical vehicles “stretched longer than a football field.” Only the best for America’s pop princess. [LA Times/TMZ/Us]

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Just Another Brit Lost in Her Mercedes

American Idol Day 5: The Freaks Come Out In Omaha

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Auditions: Omaha, NE

The seemingly endless parade of auditions continues, as American Idol breaks new ground and pays a visit to America?s Heartland: Omaha, Nebraska. After the opening fervor of Season 7, the show’s pitch has begun to drop a bit: the judges look shopworn, the contestants ape earlier contestants and even the montages have a recycled air. But the city still deserves a shot, so let?s meet the best and worst of the sprawling Midwest and flip through American Idol?s Omaha Yearbook:

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Just Another Brit Lost in Her Mercedes

by (@katespencer)

That poor car. Even though it’s not a living, breathing creature, we still feel bad for the thing. It’s so beautiful, in all its brand-new, $55,000 glory. Leather seats, GPS, luxurious steering wheel made of gold (we’re making that up because we’ve never been inside one of a rich person car, but this is probably true, right?). But soon it will be covered in Cheeto dust and Taco Bell Border Sauce, and its sweet sweet leather will be permeated by Marlboro Red smoke in a matter of minutes. So we were happy that the Mercedes (with Britney inside) ended up lost in the Hollywood Hills last night. Don’t even begin to think it was an accident, that car did it on purpose! It was trying to dump Britney off somewhere and run the f*ck away, like Forrest Gump on wheels. Just like everything else it Britney’s life, it was surely trying to escape her wrath.

Check out the video of Britney wandering around her car while rambling to the paps in a British accent trying to get home. It’s called a plane to Lousiana, Brit! Hop on it and don’t ever look back.

Wednesday: Gwen’s Back for Baby #2

by (@katespencer)

gwen-stefani.jpgTony Romo Woos Jessica with a Song
She may not suck at football, but at least they can both suck at singing together. Now that’s what we call soulmates. [Us]

J. Lo?s Babies Get Normal-ish Names
Emme and Max Lopez-Anthony, meet your new family, the paparazzi! [Star]

Gwen?s Baby Belly Back in Business
Gav and Gwen are adding to their clan. If it’s a girl, do you think they’ll call her Queenston? [Star]

Britney Numbs Pain with New Car
There’s no problem a $55,000 Mercedes (paid for in cash, obvs) can’t fix. Bi-polar disorder be damned! [TMZ]

Lindsay Lohan Loyal to Vodka
LL stands for Lindsay Lohan and Leggings n’ Liquor. [NYDN]

Miley Officially Loses Her Stripper Name

by (@katespencer)

destinyrose.jpgWhat, you didn’t know that Miley Cyrus’ (aka Hannah Montana) real name was Destiny Hope Cyrus? Yeah, we didn’t either, but it’s definitely the greatest name we’ve heard this side of Scores. It’s one thing to change your name to a sexy monniker later in life, but to be born with such a trashy name is a true gift. We’re sad to see Miley let Destiny go, especially with all those bikini pics that have leaked on to the internet in recent weeks. She is now legally Miley Ray Cyrus – Miley stems from her childhood nickname of Smiley, and she added the Ray as a tribute to her mullet-loving dad.

Seeing as Destiny Hope Cyrus is now dead (er, as a name), we invite you to discover your own awesome stripper name. Here’s a handy name generator to use at your leisure. Give it your best shot and let us know what you come up with!

Signed,
Raquelle Razorthighs

Sundance Stories: Jack Black, Swagboy

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An oddly blonde Jack Black informed VH1 News that the celebrity swag at Sundance wasn’t exactly free — it comes at a price. The price? Taking a picture with the stuff, which means being prepped to be the next face of a random cosmetics brand in their Asian marketing campaign. (Just kidding. Sort of.) We caught all of the action at Sundance, the annual Park City, Utah, meet-and-greet, where celebrities came to check out new films, promote their own, and, in general, raise the level of conversation. Whether or not that actually worked in practice is something else entirely. When asked, for instance, about his horrendous new glasses, Bono claimed that they’re 3-D. That goes along with U2‘s new film, U2 3D, but it doesn’t change the fact that the world’s most socially conscious star of the stage needs a new stylist. For more on the festival, click here.

Someone Get Britney Some Help – FAST

by (@katespencer)

The Queen of the Night had another meltdown outside her house yesterday that began in the early evening and lasted until one or two in the morning. Apparently Brit got in a big fight with her master/enabler Sam Lutfi, so she hopped out of his car with her bag and dog and tried to run away (you’re not in Kansas anymore, Brit!). Where she was headed we’re not sure, and neither was she, as she eventually plopped down on the curb to cry. Then Adnan Ghalib, photog boyfriend extraordinaire, tried to come to her rescue, but he was banned (by Sam) from entering her gated community. Eventually both her parents showed up around 9PM, but then Brit bolted to drive around with city with Adnan till 11PM. Eventually she headed back home, only to hit up a drugstore at 1:2o AM with her Mom and Sam in tow.

TMZ is claiming that the gang is in the process of attempting an intervention on the pop queen to try to get her to deal with her mental health issues. What we want to know is, who is thinking about Britney’s poor, suffering millionaire neighbors!? They’ve paid big bucks for their McMansions, only to live in the middle of a freak-show. Check out some video of the scene at her house and you’ll be offering to go evacuate people tomorrow. Seriously, the girl needs her own country to contain all the insanity she attracts.

Tuesday: More Miley in a Bikini

by (@katespencer)

mileycyrus.jpgNew Kids on the Block: Plotting Comeback?
One of the Kids posted confusing Myspace messages about a possible NKOTB reunion, proving that they care as little as we do about seeing Hangin’ Tough live again. [Us]

Pete Doherty Addicted to Animals
The cracked out Brit has taken to rescuing critters, like a one-legged hedge hog which he now keeps in his garden. This isn’t what we had in mind for “rehab,” but okay.? [Daily Star]

More Miley Bikinis Pics Hit Web
Someone’s trying to sabotage the star with sexy pics posted on the internet. Being sixteen sucks no matter how much fame you got going on. [NYDN]

Scam Artist Poses as Heath’s Pop
Because pretending to be a 9-11 victim’s family member is so 2002. Classy! [NY Post]

Britney Allowed to Call Kids
That conversation probably makes a ton of sense: “Hi Sean Preston, it’s mama! Googa goo goo ga!”? [People]