The Best of Jessica Simpson’s Bad Movies

by (@katespencer)

Jessica Simpson is our most favoritest actress ever. Someone should create an awards show that’s more prestigious than the Oscars, because that is what Jessica deserves. This award should be named after her, too! Her talent – her glowing, blossoming, raw talent – deserves nothing less. We’ve come to this awed conclusion after viewing the latest notch in Jessica’s acting bed post – the trailer for her upcoming flick Major Movie Star. It looks like another winner; horrible script + bad comedic timing = gold at the box office!

Below the jump we’ve got some other fine selections from the Jessica Simpson Library of Craptastic Films. Take a look at the trailer for her still unreleased movie Blonde Ambition. Did the same stoned monkey write the script for that flick and Major Movie Star? The both seem so similarly awful. Or that could just be Jessica’s acting skills.

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Britney’s Drugged Up and Dancing Badly

by (@katespencer)

Is Britney on drugs? Is she not? Did she flunk a drug test? And why did she run that red light, anyway? Was it….DRUGS?!

These are the questions our friends – The Big Time Hollywood Lawyers – will be asking on Wednesday when Brit and K-Fed head back to court over the pop star’s dumb driving move last week, in which she ran a red light with her kids (and parenting coach) in the car as she texted on her phone. The fugly diva also allegedly failed a drug test last week, though her friends are saying it was a “false positive.” Apparently the prescription drugs she has to take for being an overall nut showed up, which probably explains why the court is not freaking out over the failure.

If you want to see what Britney’s VMAs dance fest would have looked like had the pop start committed to what she was doing, check out the video above featuring a side-by-side comparison of the choreography being done in rehearsal by a stand-in dancer and Brit’s actual performance. It’s nice to know that the number was actually kind of awesome before Brit and her sparkle-kini got involved.

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R.I.P., Kanye’s Mama

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Kanye West‘s mom, Donda West, has passed away at the age of 58. Kanye’s mouthpiece, of course, has asked “for privacy during this time of grief,” although it’s virtually impossible to grant that entirely. See, Donda, according to this blog, allegedly died as the result of an allergic reaction to medicine she was given for cosmetic surgery (a tummy tuck and breast augmentation). Crazy! I haven’t heard of someone dying from plastic surgery since Clueless. Anyway, Kanye and his mom were obviously tight (he wrote about her, most notably in College Dropout‘s “Hey Mama,” and she wrote about him in Raising Kanye, a book she released in May). Think about him in his time of grief. [Telegraph.co.uk; Image: Getty]

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Monday: Iggy the Dog is More Famous Than Ellen

by (@katespencer)

ellen-1112.jpgIggy the Dog Shoots TV Commercial
Only in America could a dog milk its 15 minutes of fame like this. Bark cheese, Iggy! If you can dance better than Ellen, maybe you can get your own doggy show. [Us]

Britney & Her Mom Get New Managers
Both of the Spears girls have got some new representation, ya’ll! Brit’s mama now has a manager (uh, why?) and Britney’s hired creepy pal Sam Lufti to be her babysitter. [NYP]

Kate Hudson Makes Out with Heath
Wow, it only took Kate 28 years to finally kiss someone hot. Farewell Dax Shephard, hello Oscar-nominated Bob Dylan-playing hotness Heath Ledger. Added bonus – their kids can have play dates! [NYP]

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Has a Baby Boy
Happy news for Elisabeth and her hubby, sad news for our ears. Her big-mouth will be back yapping on TV in only a few hours (noooo!), when she announces the kid’s name on The View. [People]

Amy Winehouse?s Hubby in Hot Water
They tried to make Blake go to jail – and he didn’t really have a choice in the matter because he’s being charged with tampering with a witness. [People]

Radiohead Drifts Toward Iceland

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The surprise that Thom and the guys had for their legion last night was an Eno-esque spin on the slow-moving and gorgeous Bjork tune, “Unravel.” The original, from the singer’s Homogenic, was a pinnacle of ambient abstraction. In the hands of Radiohead, with Yorke singing like a heartbroken child, its mournful vibe is pushed even farther.

Here are both for your perusal. Promise us you’ll only play them after midnight.

The Weekly Wrap Up: Brit’s Clean, Akon’s Dumped & Midget Mac is Sent Packin’

by (@katespencer)

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Britney Drives Like an Effing Idiot

by (@katespencer)

britneyspears-1109.jpgHey Britney – I am really getting sick of reading and writing and talking about you all day long. So if you could do me a favor, please stop doing really stupid sh*t all the time. I don’t want you to end up back in court any more than you do, all I want for is for you to disappear into a giant sea of frappucinos and cigarette butts, never to be seen or heard from again. But when you do stuff like make a left hand turn on a red light while cars are coming at you, it makes me a little crazy. And when you drive like a lunatic with your kids and that parenting coach in the car, my mind explodes a tiny bit. But to do it all holding a cell phone in front of your face to hide your (plastically enhanced) lips?! That’s just straight up dumb. Let those lips shine, girl! They’re one of the few good things left on you. [Image: Getty]

Amy Winehouse’s Hubby is Screwed

by (@katespencer)

amy-blake-1109.jpgIs it possible that Amy Winehouse‘s life is getting worse than Britney’s? Yesterday the soul singer’s London house was raided and her husband Blake Fielder-Civil was cuffed, arrested and dragged away by police. No, it wasn’t over a stash of coke, but something even darker and weirder. Her man is accused of attempting to bribe a witness – with approximately $400, 000 – who was set to testify against him in a trial (Blake was charged with assault) starting next week. During the ordeal poor little Amy sobbed, “Baby, I love you. Baby, I’ll be fine,” and begged the cops to allow her to go with her husband. Is it any question as to why this girl doesn’t eat anything except for pot brownies and Jim Beam? Her life is a mess.

Authorities have reiterated many times that Amy is in no way involved in the plot, which carries a maximum sentence of life in prison if convicted. Where was her husband going to get all that money? The only lucrative thing he currently has going on is his wife. And honestly, we’re kind of rooting for him to get tossed in the clink for a while – it might give Amy a chance to straighten herself out. [Image: Getty]

Courtney Bashes Madonna in Crazy Rant

by (@katespencer)

courtney-1109-2.jpgMyspace is home to a lot of crazies, but none so insane as our beloved rocker/mom/yo-yo dieter Courtney Love, who often entertains the masses with her loony, nonsensical blog posts. Her latest masterpiece clocked in at 3691 words, and – when cut and pasted into Word – stretched out over 6 and a half pages (12 pt Times New Roman font, single spaced). Allow us to dig through the misspellings, the tearing to shreds of Madonna and the overall insanity to bring you the best of her lengthy, take it out on the keyboard, therapy session.

  • Courtney: but im icy ssad- madonna is a great business woma but come on she s weak as an artista nd we akl lknow it- i like madge – but as a relevant musician – its a joke shes singing from such a calculating thought out place all the time its never from her gut or heart or intuition so maybe it sounds great an dis slick and you can hum it -discxo n dance it but ambitionand sass and shrewd does not equal great art- hard work and major dsicipline doesnt equal great art and all of those are great things- i covet thenm i haVE great disciplne and i do work like a bionic thing.
  • Translation: Courtney is dissing Madonna for being a sellout. Um, our girl Court needs to take a good hard look in the mirror. Pot, meet kettle!

Read more…

Friday: Lauren & Heidi Happy Together in The Hills

by (@katespencer)

hills-1109.jpgPissy Paris Sues Card Company
The heiress is mad at Hallmark for using her likeness on their products. Her face is all over the “Happy Birthday Mom – Aren’t You Glad Your Kids Aren’t Like Paris Hilton” card line. [TMZ]

The Hills‘ Lauren & Heidi Back as Buds
The former BFFs have been spotted together looking chummy – whatever happened to forgiving and forgetting each other? [JustJared]

Europe Makes Britney #1
So what if The Eagles beat her ass in the States, in Europe she’s still got the #1 album. Too bad Brit doesn’t even know where that is. [Us]

Ellen Dissed by Striking Writers
The comedian is getting bashed by writers for crossing the picket line during their strike (unlike Conan, Jay and Jon, for example) to go to work on her show. [NYP]

Dog Chapman Slapped with Suit
The girl Dog the Bounty Hunter railed against with racial slurs is now suing the star for slander. Nothing says healing like millions of dollars. [TMZ]