Whatever you do, don?t mock the judges on this show ? America will boot your ass to the street. Last week the TNGAB?s three pundits told The Muggs? Danny and Rocket?s Lauren hone their vocals, and each either made a puss or directly snarled at the comments. Friday night both bands were dumped. Rock ?n? roll is supposed to be about attitude to some degree, but pop-rock, especially when it comes to this Fox fodder, needs to wag its tail and woof politely if it wants to hang tight.
We know it’s Monday when we come face-to-face with a story that would be better served as a shady plot to a 70′s porno. Apparently some British girl has come forward to reveal that she has Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (say what?), which is just that: continuous sexual stimulation all day long from regular, mundane everyday things. This is one of those things that dumb guys might think would be “awesome,” but women know otherwise. Her life sounds like one pleasurable hell. 24-year old O-er Sarah Carmen explains, “As a skin care specialist I have to use tools which vibrate a lot of the time for micro-dermabrasion and they sometimes set me off.”
Sarah blames the problem on anti-depressants, and has had up to 200 orgasms in one day. She even had five during the 40-minute interview about her O problem! This sex pic screenplay is just writing itself. Someone call Jenna Jameson! [Image: News of the World]
Meanwhile, in a more wholesome tale of a girl making it big for an honest-to-goodness talent, check out the clip below of 15-year old Charice Pempengco on the Korean show Star King. Even if she sucked, the overall weirdness of Star King and its shocked audience would make it worth watching, but thankfully Charice is kind of amazing. It’s like she has Jennifer Hudson, Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey all stuck in her throat and they’re each fighting to climb out. Er, that sounds weird. Just watch.
Shocker of the day: Alicia Keys is just the singer’s stage name. OMG! Her real name is Alicia Augello-Cook, which doesn’t quite roll off the tongue in the same melodic way as her current moniker. But back when she was picking her last name, she revealed to Newsweek that she almost went with Alicia Wild, which her mom told her sounded like “a stripper” name. It seems to us like she was channeling some of the great 80′s vixens (and possibly idols?) like Pebbles, Stacey Q and Samantha Fox. What’s most hilarious about her almost-name is that Alicia is anything but wild. Alicia ‘Everyone Likes Me Because I’m Talented and Sweet’ would have probably been more fitting. Still, it’s cute that she picked Keys because of her piano-love. It’s not a bad idea: Britney Voice Modifier and Ashlee Lip-Syncing Machine both have a nice ring to them.
Another suggestion: Alicia ‘Has an Awesome Album That Drops Tomorrow.’ Give a listen to As I Am in its entirety over on The Leak right now!
Jessica Simpson is our most favoritest actress ever. Someone should create an awards show that’s more prestigious than the Oscars, because that is what Jessica deserves. This award should be named after her, too! Her talent – her glowing, blossoming, raw talent – deserves nothing less. We’ve come to this awed conclusion after viewing the latest notch in Jessica’s acting bed post – the trailer for her upcoming flick Major Movie Star. It looks like another winner; horrible script + bad comedic timing = gold at the box office!
Below the jump we’ve got some other fine selections from the Jessica Simpson Library of Craptastic Films. Take a look at the trailer for her still unreleased movie Blonde Ambition. Did the same stoned monkey write the script for that flick and Major Movie Star? The both seem so similarly awful. Or that could just be Jessica’s acting skills.
Is Britney on drugs? Is she not? Did she flunk a drug test? And why did she run that red light, anyway? Was it….DRUGS?!
These are the questions our friends – The Big Time Hollywood Lawyers – will be asking on Wednesday when Brit and K-Fed head back to court over the pop star’s dumb driving move last week, in which she ran a red light with her kids (and parenting coach) in the car as she texted on her phone. The fugly diva also allegedly failed a drug test last week, though her friends are saying it was a “false positive.” Apparently the prescription drugs she has to take for being an overall nut showed up, which probably explains why the court is not freaking out over the failure.
If you want to see what Britney’s VMAs dance fest would have looked like had the pop start committed to what she was doing, check out the video above featuring a side-by-side comparison of the choreography being done in rehearsal by a stand-in dancer and Brit’s actual performance. It’s nice to know that the number was actually kind of awesome before Brit and her sparkle-kini got involved.
Kanye West‘s mom, Donda West, has passed away at the age of 58. Kanye’s mouthpiece, of course, has asked “for privacy during this time of grief,” although it’s virtually impossible to grant that entirely. See, Donda, according to this blog, allegedly died as the result of an allergic reaction to medicine she was given for cosmetic surgery (a tummy tuck and breast augmentation). Crazy! I haven’t heard of someone dying from plastic surgery since Clueless. Anyway, Kanye and his mom were obviously tight (he wrote about her, most notably in College Dropout‘s “Hey Mama,” and she wrote about him in Raising Kanye, a book she released in May). Think about him in his time of grief. [Telegraph.co.uk; Image: Getty]
Iggy the Dog Shoots TV Commercial
Only in America could a dog milk its 15 minutes of fame like this. Bark cheese, Iggy! If you can dance better than Ellen, maybe you can get your own doggy show. [Us]
Britney & Her Mom Get New Managers
Both of the Spears girls have got some new representation, ya’ll! Brit’s mama now has a manager (uh, why?) and Britney’s hired creepy pal Sam Lufti to be her babysitter. [NYP]
Kate Hudson Makes Out with Heath
Wow, it only took Kate 28 years to finally kiss someone hot. Farewell Dax Shephard, hello Oscar-nominated Bob Dylan-playing hotness Heath Ledger. Added bonus – their kids can have play dates! [NYP]
Elisabeth Hasselbeck Has a Baby Boy
Happy news for Elisabeth and her hubby, sad news for our ears. Her big-mouth will be back yapping on TV in only a few hours (noooo!), when she announces the kid’s name on The View. [People]
Amy Winehouse?s Hubby in Hot Water
They tried to make Blake go to jail – and he didn’t really have a choice in the matter because he’s being charged with tampering with a witness. [People]
The surprise that Thom and the guys had for their legion last night was an Eno-esque spin on the slow-moving and gorgeous Bjork tune, “Unravel.” The original, from the singer’s Homogenic, was a pinnacle of ambient abstraction. In the hands of Radiohead, with Yorke singing like a heartbroken child, its mournful vibe is pushed even farther.
Here are both for your perusal. Promise us you’ll only play them after midnight.
- Who’s Peeing in Britney’s Cup?
- The Celebreality Interview – Midget Mac
- Tila Tequila – We Need to Talk
- Hottie of the Week – Chris Brown
- Gwen and Jen Perform With Child
- Ask New York Anything – Submit Your Questions!
- Nick Hogan turns Himself in to Police
- Akon Dumped by (Almost) Wife #4
- I Love New York Recap – Episode 5
- American Idol to Bring the Noise
Hey Britney – I am really getting sick of reading and writing and talking about you all day long. So if you could do me a favor, please stop doing really stupid sh*t all the time. I don’t want you to end up back in court any more than you do, all I want for is for you to disappear into a giant sea of frappucinos and cigarette butts, never to be seen or heard from again. But when you do stuff like make a left hand turn on a red light while cars are coming at you, it makes me a little crazy. And when you drive like a lunatic with your kids and that parenting coach in the car, my mind explodes a tiny bit. But to do it all holding a cell phone in front of your face to hide your (plastically enhanced) lips?! That’s just straight up dumb. Let those lips shine, girl! They’re one of the few good things left on you. [Image: Getty]