Part of the fun of watching last Friday’s first installment of The Next Great American Band was seeing just how many oddball outfits were allowed to be seen on this initial “clearing the corn” episode – you know, the cattle call show where they trot out all the wacko groups that didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of making it through the first round in the Vegas desert.
Middle-aged nimrod doo-woppers from Nowhereseville, big band jazz boys from Nerd Town, mask-wearing, Cookie Monster-growling Slipknot/GWAR imitators, ersatz Blue Man Group artistes who pummeled the trash cans they were wearing, bar-band blues boys that strutted their Stevie Ray fetishes, a Georgia foursome that came off like an emo Blue Oyster Cult, and, of course, the Afro’d Caucasion yelper of Big Provider, who launched into a ditty with the lyrics, “five, four, three, two, and one/it’s all fun from here/if you doubt that for a second/the good times will disappear!”
Yes, it’s brought you by the American Idol folks.
Those, of course, are not the “ensembles” that Johnny Rzeznik, Sheila E, and the Australian Simon Cowell guy will be judging tonight. Those are the bands that went home to tell the wives and daughters that daddy effed it up again (cue poignant farewell footage). The list of the musicians who will make their stand on the show is as follows:
The Clark Brothers (Nashville twang prodigy sibs who started when they were Smurf fans.)
Cliff Wagner and the Old No. 7 (very impressive bluegrass bar band from San Pedro who dropped “Like a Virgin” on the judges.)
Denver and the Mile High Orchestra (jump-swing-groove rubes who are quite sure they know who’s going to win the World Series – ‘cept they’re wrong.)
In one corner, weighing the same as 657 cans of Sugar Free Redbull and 17 packs of Kools, is “living legend” Britney Spears! In the other corner, decked out in a brand new, 5 carat pair of cubic zirconia stud earrings, Kevin “Socks with Flops” Federline! Ladies and gentlemen, let the greatest, trashiest custody battle/slug fest of the century begin!
Game Day Breakdown
Start Time: 3 PM. EST today – complete with live streaming video of all the courthouse action!
Location: Los Angeles Superior Court – which is on lockdown.
Surprise Plays: K-Fed and his lawyers have already asked that Britney’s deposition be taped, as she was apparently a real wise-ass during her last appearance in court.
Expected Winner: Federline is looking good – and we already have seen him making winning moves in the past (remember that nice one he pulled marrying a vulnerable, naive millionaire and then snagging all her dough?). But Britney could wow the judge with her revamped parenting skills – just yesterday she took her kids to a pumpkin patch, and she didn’t drive away without them! She also purchased a new swing set – though it could always be for her and not her babies.
Wanna know why Lindsay and Britney are all sorts of effed up? Look no further than the ladies that popped ‘em out. Dina Lohan and Lynne Spears both seem to prefer spending time focusing the spotlight on themselves than helping their kids. And this is why we LOVE them! Because really, can we ever have too many trashy ladies in our life? Even though Lindsay may be hiding out from the paparazzi for the first time in her life, Dina is busy mom-ing for the cameras for her new – what else – reality show! Dina will surely ruin her younger daughter Ali’s life by forcing her to star in it, but her reasons for the sure-to-be flop are true and genuine. ?There are so many misconceptions about me and my family,? Mama Lohan said. ?I?m setting the record straight.? Roughly translated, she means “Money money money money money fame money I’m jealous of Lindsay money money.”
Meanwhile the woman who soiled the world with her Spears spawn is set to write a tell-all book about her “personal story of raising high-profile children while coming from a low-profile Louisiana community.” Will Lynne detail how she enabled one of them to become a coked up divorcee and mom of two by the age of 25? We can only hope! That’s some seriously high-profile shizz!? [Getty]
Rock Band Band is the greatest band ever to grace the semi-fictional stage. Their performances are legendary. Their attitude influenced generations. And their grooming habits left a lot to be desired. Before their reunion tour, we caught up with them to discover what, exactly, they need to function when they?re on the road.
VH1: What’s your least favorite part of touring?
Rock Band Band: It’s always hard to understand people when they’re not speaking English. People in other cites, like Europe and Asia, they speak weird. And we can’t understand them, except when they get it right and say things like “television” or “popcorn.” It’s really hard for us.
VH1: Do you have a least favorite city? Most favorite city?
RBB: We hate all of Canada because they embarrassed us when they banned us from their country. Canada is the worst city in the entire world. We love NYC, the giant fruity apple, because it’s home, and everyone there knows our names and they treat us like the rock royalty that we are.
Paris Hilton Bails on Charity Trip
Big surprise – Paris would rather go shopping than go to Rwanda. The entire African continent is breathing one giant sigh of relief. [People]
Nicole Richie Bashes Hilary Duff
Even moms-to-be like to be catty – the bigger the belly, the bigger the b*tch. [DListed]
Owen Wilson Finally Speaks
The troubled actor is interviewed by director pal Wes Anderson in a chat to be published tonight on Myspace. Yay? [Us]
Brit?s Hit-and-Run Charges Disappear
wash shave those charges right out of her hair! Too bad she’s still in trouble for that whole driving without a license stupidity. [NYDN]
Lindsay Loves Hotel Living
LiLo holes up in a new hotel – because houses are so 2006. Pssst, Linds – so are leggings! [NYP]
That glorious mens rag Maxim has named the following ladies The Five Unsexiest Women Alive:
5. Britney Spears
3. Sandra Oh
2. Amy Winehouse
1. Sarah Jessica Parker
Sarah Jessica has a horse face! Brit’s gained “23 pounds of Funyun pudge!” Yeah we get it – some ladies aren’t Megan Fox and therefore deserve what little self worth they have left shredded to bits with hackneyed, overused phrases. It’s a good thing they have their millions to cry into! Also – Sandra Oh? Really? We get Britney, but Oh was totally bangin’ back in Sideways. Get with it. We thought the original list could use some real, hardcore unsexiness, so here’s our go at it. What do you think?
5. Ann Coulter
Mariah Carey‘s upcoming album is now as delayed as signs of aging are on her face. But you can’t blame Botox for this one — in fact, it’s hard to know what to blame. It would seem that it’s merely a matter of Mariah taking the time to record the album that she wants to (art, much like love, takes time, didn’t you know?). She’s, in fact, still recording — she recently had a “really hot” session with “someone Miami” (she’s not saying who). Except, instead of using the perfectly valid excuse of that pesky creative process, she’s blaming the delay on…consumerism. Eh? Says Mimi:
“You can’t really put records out in December if you want the whole world to have a chance to actually hear it, [and] my fans all over the world are very important to me.“
How selfless of her! Pay no attention to the fact that more albums sell during the holiday-buying season than any other time of year. You know, she’s only been doing this for 17 years, you can’t really expect her to understand how the music industry works. [MTV News / Image credit: Getty]
Whoops! Lindsay Lohan backed out of hosting her birthday party at Las Vegas club Pure this summer to enroll in rehab, but she had no problem pocketing the $400,000 she was supposedly given for the gig. Now the club is holding her to her word, and she’s stuck hosting a New Year’s Eve party at the joint sober ‘cuz she doesn’t have enough dough to pay them back. So what the hell is our rehabbed diva gonna serve? [Getty]