Kanye vs Kevlar King: Fiddy Got a Future?

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Kanye West & 5o CentChances are good we’ll be seeing 50 Cent in a group situation from now on. Today begins the retail race between the Kevlar kingpin and his Soundscan nemesis, Kanye West. By now you know about the challenge. Fiddy says he’ll retire from being a solo artist if West’s Graduation outsells Mr. Cent’s Curtis in the next seven days. Whose fans are willing to pony up? Which CD is more fun to listen to? We smell rap’s second biggest money-maker looking at a future of passing the mic if he lives up to his promise. Weigh in below.

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Tuesday: Justin’s Dinner Threesome, Jessica Does the Walk of Shame

by (@katespencer)

jessicasimpson0911.jpgBrangelina?s Super Spoiled Babies
Little Maddox has started kindergarten at a posh NYC school, where he only speaks French and eats gourmet lunches. Oh la (b)la(gh). [TMZ]

JT Celebrates VMAs with Two Ladies
The award-winning hottie skipped the VMA after parties to dine with his mom and girlfriend Jessica Biel. Sigh. He woulda been a good influence on Britney. [People]

Lindsay Loves Her Dad Again
The pair’s reconciliation continues at her Utah rehab, where they picked roses and hugged for the cameras. Who knew the paparazzi would be a part of the healing? [X17]

Mary-Kate Olsen Grows Up on TV
Check out this video of the twin’s most recent televised role – as a God-loving pothead on the hit show Weeds. Wanna see her smoke joints and make out on camera? You got it dude! [Just Jared]

Jessica: Desperate for More Mayer
The sad divorcee was spotted leaving John Mayer’s apartment building yesterday morning. Her body may not be a wonderland, but it’s good enough for a one night stand. [Gawker]

Boys to Men — Mission: Man Band Episodes 6 & 7 Recap

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Mission: Man Band
Hold your applause: Despite clever editing meant to heighten suspense and to lead you to believe that they were going to crash and burn, Sureshot‘s performance at Mansion was an unmitigated success. (Sidebar: Mansion is a Miami club that was the site of a mini Britney Spears meltdown in May — not that a Britney meltdown is that rare an animal.) The men, our putative band of brothers, came together for a rousing show, and they looked good. As Bryan said, they were taking their style cues from the Rat Pack. The audience dug it. Groovy.

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Rock on TV – The Shortlist

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Perez HiltonJonesing for music on your television set? Well, you?ve come to the right place! Check out our shortlist below. For more extensive listings, read VH1?s Rock on TV schedule daily.

Biography: Simon Cowell, 9 a.m. (EST), The Biography Channel: Just because British people can say things like “pish-posh” without being clowny doesn’t mean they’ve got critical opinions sharper than Ginsu knives and standards higher than the CNN Tower. But Simon Cowell isn’t most British people. If you’re the masochistic type of pop-culture junkie, this documentary about the king of the *ssholes ought to be right up your alley. And that it’s on at 9 a.m. is doubly exciting! You can be super irritated before breakfast!

What Perez Says About the VMAs, 9 p.m. (EST), VH1: The Internet’s Gossip Gangster comes to our fair network tonight, bringing his green-haired commentary to the state of music’s latest award-winners. This is the first of a series of specials starring Hilton, in which he’ll attack . . . er, bring his insider knowledge and expertise to bear on a variety of subjects that are all celebrity related. The self-proclaimed Queen of All Media is the snarky sort. What Perez Says . . . will include lots of interviews, which proves that celebs are tougher than people give them credit for. Can’t wait to hear him talk about that Britney Spears performance. Our ears are burning already.

VMAs WTF: Paris Channels Your Grandma

by (@katespencer)

parisvmas2.jpgI have a feeling this VMAs hairdo has moved to the top of Paris Hilton‘s ‘Regret List,’ edging out ‘driving drunk’ and ‘all of my sex tapes’ for first place. Somewhere in a nursing home in Ohio, a frail, little grandmother is attempting to dial up Paris. She wants her hair back – and her cheap curlers. Check out more pics of the heiress’ major fashion f*ck up below.

[Images: Getty]

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Tour Survival Guide: Cold War Kids

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Cold_War_Kids?

Now and then our Tour Survival Guide will check in with rockers about life on the road. We got the?Cold War Kids before they embarked on their tour opening for the White Stripes to find out about bootlegs, lucky maids and Wal-Mart parking lots.

Accidentally Tipping Maids Around the World
Nathan Willett: We had Jameson for three tours in a row. And that was no longer any fun. Now we just have water and beer. [Drinking Jameson] just gets gross.

Matt Maust: After a while we had six or seven bottles that hadn’t been drank. We left them in our hotel room once somewhere and the maid got them all. It was in London.

Post-Show Perambulations
Matt Aveiro:
I usually take a pretty fast walk after the show. Ten minutes away from everyone. I don’t think it’s really conscious. I just get off stage and I walk away from everyone, and I have my ten minutes away.

Orlando, Bootleg Capital of the World
MM:
I got a bootleg copy of The Wonder Years in Orlando, where all bootlegs come from. It’s the scam capital of the world. My mom told me that. My mom or my dad. You know [that movie] Matchstick Men? Orlando.?

Hiltons, Ramadas, and Wal-Mart Parking Lots
MM:
We used to not book hotels in advance, so we’d have to stay in the van in a Wal-Mart parking lot. There’s security, and it’s legal to stay there. We stayed there once, and I woke up to a cop and asking us if the pizza box and empty bottles were ours. I told him it was our recyclables.

Check out the Cold War Kids on tour:

9/13 Kiva Auditorium, Albuquerque, NM
9/18 Bayside Concerts, San Diego, CA
9/19 The Forum, Los Angeles, CA
9/21 Greek Theatre, Berkeley, CA
9/24 William A. Egan Civic, Anchorage, AK
9/26 Paramount Theatre, Seattle, WA
9/27 Paramount Theatre, Seattle, WA
9/28 The Idaho Center, Nampa, Idaho
9/29 The E Center of West Valley, Salt Lake City, UT
9/30 Snowking Convention Center, Jackson Hole, WY
10/2 Rushmore Plaza Arena, Rapid City, SD
10/3 Fargo Civic Auditorium, Fargo, ND
10/4 Pershing Auditorium, Lincoln, NE
10/6 Aragon Ballroom, Chicago, IL
10/7 Aragon Ballroom, Chicago, IL

Brit’s Excuses: The Dog Ate My Performance

by (@katespencer)

britneyprayer.jpgSure, Britney may have told USA Today that she thought her performance on the VMAs was “good,” but any living creature with eyes who saw the thing knows better - including Brit. Which is why shortly after her crapalicious appearance, the excuses started rolling. Sarah Silverman’s comments upset Brit right before she went on! The heel on her stiletto boot was busted! She fired her hairdresser right before the show started!

We’ve come up with a few more excuse for Brit to use – after all, with a performance that bad, you need someone or something to blame:

Have any other good excuses that Britney could use? Post ‘em for the starlet below!

[Image: Getty]

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Gwen Stefani Needs to Dry Her Eyes and Shut Up

by (@katespencer)

gwenstefani_0910.jpgBoo hoo hoo. Gwen Stefani apparently let the tears flow backstage at her most recent fashion show in NYC this week. A source revealed:

“Before Gwen went out on stage at her L.A.M.B. fashion show, she was sobbing uncontrollably backstage. When asked what was wrong, she just said she was so overwhelmed. She talked about how she used to sew with her mother, and now [that] she has a baby, fashion is what matters to her.”

Funny, we were busy crying that day too – over how many stupid celebrities think they can design clothes just because they’re famous. Now that seems a little bit more sob-worthy. [NYDN. Image: Getty]

When Stars Say Dumb Things: Avril Lavigne Edition

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Avril_LavigneLittle Miss Modesty Avril Lavigne is giving Kanye West a run for his money. With bombast that’s usually found in?the hip-hop world, Avril’s telling the world how giving she is. In a recent interview with Q Magazine, she refers to Hurricane Katrina, (which devastated an entire metropolis and left thousands homeless) as “the hurricane thing [that] happened.” To evidence her charitable nature, Avril filled six whole boxes of things from her closet and told her assistant to “take it to Katrina!” Let’s put aside the grammatical error that would prevent her assistant from taking anything to a ruinous natural disaster and concentrate on this question — what the hell are the brave survivors of Hurricane Katrina going to do with studded belts and Manic Panic hair dye? Avril also evoked the “I’m Rubber, You’re Glue” line of reasoning when she called everyone who dislikes her “losers.”

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VMAs Recap: What Happened in Vegas…

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It all started with some ratty extensions…

2007_vmas_10_britney_spears.jpg

…and it only got worse from there. Is this the VMAs or a Rob Zombie movie?

britney_spears_vmas_2.gif

Still too hard to tell.

Britney’s trainwreck more or less set the tone for the rest of last night’s show, which was supposed to be a new-and-improved version of the Video Music Awards. Mostly, it just felt schizophrenic, with its performers scattered through a series of “parties” at the Palms Hotel in Las Vegas. Though less ceremonious in general (gone away, for the most part, were performer introductions, thankfully) and about as short as you could possibly expect an awards show to be (just over two hours, double thankfully), this year’s VMAs was a series of quick cuts and excerpted performances. It felt like a parody of MTV and the short-attention-span generation the network supposedly spawned. The awards show is what would happen if ADHD got ADHD. (And what’s worse — they gypped us out of what was undoubtedly the best part of the night: the Kid Rock-Tommy Lee tussle.)

After the jump, we recount some highlights. And by “highlights,” more times than not, we mean “lowlights.”

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