VMAs Recap: What Happened in Vegas…

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It all started with some ratty extensions…

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…and it only got worse from there. Is this the VMAs or a Rob Zombie movie?

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Still too hard to tell.

Britney’s trainwreck more or less set the tone for the rest of last night’s show, which was supposed to be a new-and-improved version of the Video Music Awards. Mostly, it just felt schizophrenic, with its performers scattered through a series of “parties” at the Palms Hotel in Las Vegas. Though less ceremonious in general (gone away, for the most part, were performer introductions, thankfully) and about as short as you could possibly expect an awards show to be (just over two hours, double thankfully), this year’s VMAs was a series of quick cuts and excerpted performances. It felt like a parody of MTV and the short-attention-span generation the network supposedly spawned. The awards show is what would happen if ADHD got ADHD. (And what’s worse — they gypped us out of what was undoubtedly the best part of the night: the Kid Rock-Tommy Lee tussle.)

After the jump, we recount some highlights. And by “highlights,” more times than not, we mean “lowlights.”

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Britney Spears Goes For the Man Meat

by (@katespencer)

She may have forgotten how to dance and lipsync, but at least Brit’s still good at some of her old tricks. And doesn’t this dude look a tad like JT?

Britney?s Ball Grab!

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Foxy’s Gonna Have Her Baby Behind Bars

by (@katespencer)

foxy082107.jpgBritney wasn’t the only one bombing this weekend. On Saturday Foxy Brown received a year-long prison sentence for violating her probation a bunch of times. The rapper – who is allegedly three months pregnant – apparently burst after hearing her latest sentence. “I’m willing to do whatever I need to do to change,” she pleaded with the judge. “I realize that’s not where I want to be. It’s humbled me in ways I never imagined.”

Well, jail will probably humble you further Foxy! Even the judge didn’t buy her tears, calling the rapper “a great actress” for her court performance. She should seriously look into doing a couple movies when she gets out of the slammer – in 363 days. [E Online. Image: Getty]

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Kranky Kanye Says He and MTV Are Kaput

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Kanye WestSomewhere between Brit doing those thorazine twirls and her old beau Justin Timberlake moonwalking to close the show, it dawned on Kanye West that he wasn’t part of the VMAs main-stage action. Yep, it’s cool up in the Hugh Hefner Sky Villa, but it ain’t the main stage, y’all. Only one thing to do. Let it be known that he and MTV are parting ways. This, after telling a pre-show gaggle on onlookers that he, not Spears, should have opened the spectacle. (He’s definitely right about that.)

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Monday: Paris Has a Big Mouth, Rihanna Has Two Moon Men

by (@katespencer)

rihanna_vmas.jpgMischa?s Nonexistent Nipple Slip
The O.C. star’s rep says claims of a nipple slip are untrue because no photographic evidence exists. Knowing Mischa and her flashing ways, we believe it without any proof. [NYP]

Rihanna and JT Snag VMA Awards
Amidst all the fights and flops, these two stars pocketed a couple Moon Men each for actually having a little talent. You paying attention, Brit? [People]

Lindsay Looks Hot in Rehab
While her celeb pals partied in Vegas, LiLo looked adorable hanging with her new rehab buddies in Utah. Blink and you might confuse her for a normal 21-year old. [X17]

Paris Blows Xtina?s Baby Secret
The ditzy heiress revealed to the crowd at a Vegas bash that the Xtina’s knocked up, even though she has yet to confirm that she’s with child. Paris called her “the most beautiful pregnant woman in the world.” Think Nicole’s a little bit hurt? [Us Weekly]

Amy Winehouse?s Money Hungry Dad
The singer’s pop is trying to snag her money in order to prevent Amy (or her skeezy husband) from blowing it on drugs. Maybe he should try to take her cocaine away from her first? [Mollygood]

Britney Spears Bombs on the VMAs

by (@katespencer)

britneyvmas_0911.jpgApparently after going through one deadbeat husband, two kids, three rehab facilities and a whole lot of shaved hair, our pop princess has completely forgotten what once made her great – a hot bod, bangin’ dance moves, and some serious lip-syncing skills. Britney Spears opened MTV’s Video Music Awards tonight with her new song “Gimme More,” and damn, she was effing horrible. It was as if she went to sleep in a sparkly bikini and hooker boots and only woke up when her assistant shoved her on-stage to do her routine. If Brit’s gonna to pretend to have a comeback, she could have at least chugged a few Red Bulls beforehand. Anything to give her a little energy while she stands around lifeless and forgets the lyrics to her new song. Maybe she should have rehearsed more. We were rooting for Brit, but after this mess we’ll pass the next time she tries to give us more.

Examine the pics of her “comeback” and tell us – what do you think of Britney’s big performance?

Images: Getty

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Admit it Jay-Z, You’re Never Proposing to Beyonce

by (@katespencer)

jayzbeyonce0907.jpgThe Hova was asked recently if he was planning on marrying his gal pal Beyonc?, and his response was “One day soon ? let’s leave it at that.” But of course, we can’t just leave it at that. How soon could he possibly mean?

  • When Beyonc? stops falling on her ass onstage?
  • When the original members of Destiny’s Child reunite?
  • When Kanye West and 50 Cent record an album together?
  • When Jay-Z asks Nas to be his Best Man?
  • When Lindsay Lohan is sober?

We get it J. As soon as never. We’ll save the date. [Us Weekly. Image: Getty]

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The Weekly Wrap Up: New York’s New Look, Britney’s Comeback, and an Itty Bitty Diddy

by (@katespencer)

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Fashion Week WTF: Tyra Banks Regifts Her Hair, Mischa Barton Models Metal Goods

by (@katespencer)

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The celebs came out in full force to the Fashion Rocks Concert last night in NYC, and so did their disastrous outfit choices. Funny how they seem to think it’s okay to honor style without actually having any.

We know what Tyra is thinking in the above photo: “Grrrrrl, I look effing fierce right now. I could write the book on bein’ fierce. Wait – have I already done that? I don’t think so. I’m writing a book then. Fierce.” Really, the only thing fierce about this bow-style is that its wrapped so tightly on her head it’s actually pulling the corners of her mouth up into an almost-smile . She looks like she’s offering up her five-head as a present. It’s a shame, because her outfit is totally bangin’. It’s just that her hair style belongs wrapped around the new car some rich guy just bought his trophy wife and not on her pretty little alien head.

Meanwhile Mischa Barton showed up after accidentally getting tangled in her dog’s chain leash. But she really makes it work!

Check out some stars who did rock fashion last night:

[Images: Getty]

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Pete Doherty’s Cat is a Crackhead

by (@katespencer)

Today we have two contestants duking it out for the title of Craziest Cat Lady!
In one corner is Pete Doherty, who while not an actual woman, has slimmed down to a ladylike figure thanks to years of crack, coke and smack consumption. How dainty! Pete is being accused by pals of fixing a tiny crack pipe out of a liquor bottle and forcing his cats to inhale the smoke from it. One cat now apparently thinks it can fly (can it also talk and relate this info to humans?) and Pete feels like it’s the only person mammal that understands him.

In the other corner is a Russian woman who owns and lives with 130 rescued cats in her tiny two-room apartment. See the video above for a glimpse at what hell looks like for people with animal allergies, and then check out this full news report on her catscapades.

Who you got – Pete or the Cat Rescuer of Novosibirsk, Siberia?