Diddy Wants You (To Get Him Cheesecake)

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Are you unemployed? Looking to try a new line of work? Are you "the best"? Then you just might be Diddy‘s new assistant. The man of many monikers is in search of a new assistant, and all you have to do is upload a three-minute video to the Internet to apply. Though Diddy’s call to apply has a home-made, late-night, north-Jersey-furniture-showroom-commercial feel to it, one has to imagine that the man has money to spend, but there’s no word on compensation. And while you may not have a 401K, chances are you stand to gain a cast-off nickname and all the Sean John clothing you can wear out of the office. Check out some of the applicants here.

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Friday: The Beckhams Take LA by Storm; Paris Lets Someone Else Do The Driving

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The Beckhams Arrive in LA in Style
The British super family officially arrived in Los Angeles last night to take the city by storm with their soccer moves and skinny jeans. We can’t wait to criticize their every move. [NY Post]

Brit: No Lovin? from Bodyguard?
After reports that the pop star and her bodyguard were getting cozy, a source close to the mysterious Daimon says there’s no love between the two. He’s just there to protect Britney and watch her kids -sounds like the perfect man! [People]

James Blunt Sold Sister on eBay?
Yep, the sensitive rocker claims that he sold his sister on eBay to help her get to a funeral in Ireland. Even weirder – the winner of the auction not only flew his sis to the ceremony, but they started dating and are marrying this summer. Brits be crazy! [People]

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Jessica Simpson: Changing Faces?

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When asked about plastic surgery in the August issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Jessica Simpson replies, "I’ve had none."

Uh, yeah. Not really buying that one. Credit where it’s due, though, she specifically says her boobs are real.

That’s plausible, unless she got them done when she was, like, 20. Although given her father: maybe.

[USA Today / Image credit: Getty]

Don’t Mess with T.I.

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He may have the number one record on this week’s Billboard Top 200, but don’t think that makes T.I. any more relaxed. The hip hop star was in the middle of a performance at an ESPY Awards pre-party in Los Angeles on Tuesday and when a fan got in his way, he struck – literally. After a cup was thrown at the rapper he apparently jumped offstage and barged out into the audience, where he popped the culprit in the face with his mic. Stars such as Hilary and Haylie Duff were in attendance, and it would have been so much more exciting had one of them been the cup thrower. That mic smack could’ve been like a free nose job! Check out the pic on the right taken just a day after the tussle at the awards show. T.I. sure does clean up real good post-brawl. [TMZ]

Courtney Celebrates 43 by Trashing Hotel

by (@katespencer)

Alterna-mistress and original riot grrrl Courtney Love turned 43 in London this week, and celebrated her birthday by trashing her room at the Covent Garden Hotel. That’s right: She’s 43. And she trashed her hotel room. An "insider" told ITV News: "Staff said the room was left in a right state — like a wild animal had been let loose in there. She has used the place as an ashtray with butts strewn about and burn marks all over the bed, carpet and upholstery. I feel sorry for whoever had to clean it up." Nice going, Court. You’ve certainly become the poster-child for maturity. If you, dear readers, can’t get enough of her, check the disturbingly lucid inteview footage above. It’s fascinating in that plastic-surgery-disaster sort of way.

Moz: Madonna Is Murder?

by (@katespencer)

MozIf this was 1988, this would be the biggest news story ever: Former Smiths frontman Morrissey (and vehement vegetarian) slammed fur-loving pop star Madonna, claiming Madge adopted her son, two-year-old orphan David Banda, in order to make a jacket out of him. ?I wouldn?t be surprised if she [Madonna] made that African boy into a coat and wore him…for 15 minutes, and then threw it away,? said the famously dyspeptic singer. In the past, Moz has gone after his own band, George Michael and David Bowie, as well as mope rock king Robert Smith. Smith famously committed to eating meat, simply because Morrissey doesn’t. Way to gather support, Moz.

Michelle: Under Beyoncé’s Spell?

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Once (and future?) Destiny’s Child member Michelle Williams has leaped to the defense of Beyonc? regarding the non-issue that has arisen from TMZ.com‘s quip about "Beyonc?’s roboho performance getup" that the diva wore during last month’s BET Awards (in a nutshell, Al Sharpton lashed out at the paparazzi-driven mega-blog, saying its use of the word "ho" was racist and misogynistic). TMZ then pointed out that their "ho" branding was not in reference to Beyonc?, but her outfit. But don’t tell Michelle that! Said the warbler to the New York Daily News:

"It’s downright mean. You can write me word for word. What has Beyonc? done to deserve being called a ‘ho’? No one should be called a ho!"

Way to go, Michelle, running to stick up for a poor, defenseless superstar. How much do you want to bet that this is Michelle’s way of angling for a Destiny’s Child reunion. Or, at the very least, for another cameo in a Beyonc? video? Michelle can do the Naomi Campbell walk and the scissor-leg, but her biggest talent is her ability to do the ass-kiss. [New York Daily News]

Brit’s New Man Might Not Even Like Girls

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The name of Britney’s new man has been nailed down as Daimon Shippen, who is possibly the same mustachioed security guy who helped Brit when she almost dropped Sean Preston on the street last year. X17 has some juicy tidbits on the protective giant:

  • Approximately 34 years of age.
  • He’s served as a production assistant on films.
  • Was fired from his first bodyguard employment agency for allegedly owning a "sex toy/porn website." Uh oh…
  • X17 says he "may not be into girls!" What is going on here?!

We’ve got Us saying that Daimon and Brit are definitely doing it, and a different report that reveals Britney’s boyfriend’s name is apparently Sam, and it’s not this beefcake at all! And supposedly this beefcake likes other beefcakes! We’re lost. Sounds like Brit might be too – as Children’s Protective Services visited her Malibu mansion three times last week due to her pool being unsafe for children. The visit forced the starlet to move her brood to the Four Seasons Hotel where she was spotted sobbing. It’s a good thing Brit has some big arms to hold her and a broad chest to lean on. Even if he doesn’t like girls, he’ll at least still let her cry. Cuz he’s on her payroll and really doesn’t have a choice.

Thursday: Angelina’s Bony Bod; K-Fed Moves on with New Love

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Nicole: Baby?s Life in Jeopardy
Doctors say that the tiny starlet’s health and past problems with addiction could complicate her pregnancy, which is reportedly 3 months along. [Star Magazine]

Angelina?s Down to Skin and Bones
Sources reveal the A Mighty Heart star is barely eating a couple of bites of fruit per meal – if she even eats at all. [Life and Style]

Eva: Who You Callin? Bridezilla?
Though her wedding was enormous and spanned numerous days, Eva Longoria claims she didn’t stress out about her nuptials. Maybe it was all that French wine that chilled her out? [Yahoo]

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Paula Abdul: Using Lasers to Stay Young

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Now that Paula Abdul is getting some hot booty action from her 32-year old boyfriend, she’s doing whatever it takes to stay young. Because, you know, all that "exhaustion" is wearing her out. The American Idol judge’s cure-all? Lasers. Yup, Paula is supposedly getting an "allover body procedure called the Titan laser
treatment" that leaves her looking smoother, tighter, and presumably kinda crazy. In case you can’t imagine what she looked like when she was an actual youth and not just youthful, give a watch to the above video clip of a 16-year old Paula singing her heart out in the 1978 flick Junior High School. Did someone say pitchy? [Gabsmash]