Ashlee’s Lip (and Nose and Chin) Service

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Ashlee Simpson is maybe the biggest star under 25 with noticeable plastic surgery (I mean, come on!), and yet, she tells Cosmopolitan that she is "confident" about the way she looks. LIES! Ashlee’s whopper continues:

"I feel very confident with the way I look. But I felt just as confident the way I looked before. I’ve always been confident with who I am."

LIES! Oh yeah, she must have gotten her nose shaved down and the chin implant because she wanted to get that tingly feeling in her face without resorting to snorting coke. Does she think we’re stupid? Does she think we don’t realize that someone in the limelight who’s as young as she is and who alters her face has serious esteem issues? If she wanted to save face, she probably shouldn’t have taken a jackhammer to it!

It’s OK to be insecure; it’s not OK to lie. Ashlee’s words are totally absurd. You know how absurd they are? This absurd:

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LIES! LIES! LIES!  [AP/Yahoo! / Image credit: Getty]

My Chemical Romance Get Some Awful Food Poisoning

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My Chemical Romance and Muse were forced to cancel their world tour after a violent bout with food poisoning effected several members of the crew and both bands. The tour, which is booked through July and spans three continents, came to a screeching halt after a show at William and Mary College in Virginia left crew members scattered in hospitals "between State College, PA and Columbus, OH." Immune to fears of death and despair, only to be brought low by craft services. This comes on the heels of MCR lead singer Gerard Way announcing he’s "the happiest brother alive" after his brother Mikey decided to temporarily leave the band to spend more time with his wife and "do all of the things a newlywed couple should do." This is the second time Way has taken a break, the first during the recording process of The Black Parade due to severe depression and drug and alcohol problems.

M.I.A. Wants to Hit That

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55888888 The kindly folk at the Fader point to an online leak from hipster icon M.I.A.‘s new record. The track, called "Hit That," is probably the rudest, sexiest, dirtiest thing recorded in a long while — it’s too bad the slang sort of prevents those not used to a thick British accent from understanding what it is she’s saying. (You’ll get a chance to mull it over better when her record’s released on June 25th.) Note the clever thievery of "all I wanna do is zoom-a zoom zoom." If ever there were a lyric to steal, that, ladies and gentlemen, is the one.

Bob Dylan: “The Kindergarten Tapes”

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Let’s assume Bob Dylan didn’t play "A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall" when he serenaded his grandson’s kindergarten class during a string of recent school visits. Let’s assume he stuck to "Froggy Went a’Courting," instead. Evidently rock’s still-vital legend is considered just another "weird man" by some of the audience members. They’re proabably not wrong. Who knows? Maybe he tests out new material on their yet-to-be-jaded ears. Here’s what one recent track sounds like.

Tell us: which Dylan tunes would go over best with the six-year-old crowd?

Beasties Bust Beyonce (Kinda)

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The Beastie Boys have been teasing girls since Licensed to Ill dropped in ’86. But they’ve grown up a little bit. To show how mature they are these days, they’ve allegedly scrapped their plans to reference the love of Jay-Z’s life in the title of their forthcoming instrumental CD. So no, the trio’s next album won’t be called Thick, Like Beyonce’s Leg.

In fact there’s damn good chance that the album is called The Mix-Up. But don’t rule out the idea that it could be Sweet, Like J. Lo’s Rump, Phat, LIke Diddy’s Wallet, or Insane, LIke Phil Spector’s Old Hair.

Road Tales: Where The Hell Is Hill?

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Our ramp-up to Rock Honors (May 24) always includes revealing chats with the heroes themselves. Here’s a recollection of on-stage shenanigans from ZZ Top.

The Texas Trio has earned itself lots of props for getting a big-ass sound. Three guys? With Billy Gibbons’ guitar wailing, sometimes they sound like six. But one thing’s for sure: It ain’t ZZ Top if Dusty Hill isn’t plugged in.

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070502_jayz Problem No. 100
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Britney Brings Back Self, Not Sexy

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Brit_comeback_2 As expected, Britney Spears played a show at San Diego’s House of Blues on Tuesday night. The show was supposed to be a secret (she was billed as the M+Ms, which is at least classier than heading a pack of Cheetos), but everyone knew about it last week. It was foolish to think that any public outing of Brit’s could be kept a secret — especially when every quip she makes is fodder for a media frenzy. Remember: "Like, America believe everything you read. Because, like, you’re smart and I’m stupid." For real!

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Pete Wentz Takes Care of Ashlee, Uganda

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WentzBeing a rock star is hard work, as Fall Out Boy bassist Pete wentz will tell you. When he’s not opening bars in New York’s East Village or attending to his tipsy pop star girlfriend, Uganda beckons, and he’s heading to the African nation on a humanitarian mission — plus keeping his eye makeup artfully smudged the entire time. On Monday night Wentz celebrated the grand opening of his bar Angels and Kings on Avenue B. The bar, which Wentz partnered with members of Gym Class Heroes to open, is "for the rejects," yet paradoxically features a VIP lounge where Wentz’s girlfriend Ashlee Simpson had a bit too much to drink the other night, forcing Wentz to curtail an interview to take care of her. Wentz also announced his July trip to Uganda to raise awareness about the conditions there. "I’m pretty excited, but also a little nervous," Wentz told the NME about his trip.

Meat Loaf & Chicken Noodle Soup

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Our Tour Survival Guide checks in with rockers about life on the road. Here’s Meat Loaf on his beauty rest, soup preferences, and recording obessions. His upcoming tour dates are here.

Pissed Off and Pushing Petty. . .
In the ?70s, I had Tom Petty opening up for me for awhile. I had Dire Straits opening up for me. I had Eddie Money opening up for me. There?s more: I just can?t remember them all. I was warming up my voice one night and Tom Petty told me to shut up. I guess the walls in the dressing rooms were thin. I?m loud. He was like, ?Shut up!? I think at the moment, it pissed me off. Back then — that would have been early ?77, we were in Cleveland, at the Agora — I?m surprised I didn?t bust through the wall of the dressing room into [his] room, throw [him] back into mine and say, ?Come here, you?re listening anyway!? That was my intensity, then. I?m pretty intense now, but back then — whew!

Beauty Rest
Sleep is the most important thing on the tour  – a key issue for me. [I have to get] eight hours, or we don?t move. The road managers get e-mails from me if I can?t sleep: ?Bill, it is now 5:30 in the morning. I am not asleep. We will not leave at 1 p.m. I?m predicting that I?ll be asleep in half an hour, which means we?ll leave at . . . 6, 12, 2 . . . 2:30 p.m.? I?m a night owl on tour.

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