In an unfortunate turn of events, poor Danny Noriega (whose spin on “Tainted Love” last night was horrid) is appearing all over the Internets in a video (see above). In the 30-second clip, recorded some unspecified time ago, Noriega sings “We wish you a merry Christmas” before lapsing into vulgarity and insults. Specifically, he says he hopes that Santa rapes your mom. And so ends Mr. Noriega’s 14th minute. Tune into American Idol on Thursday night to see whether or not Simon and company will finish Noriega’s chance at stardom permanently.
The New York Giants shocking upset last night wasn’t the only Super Bowl performance worth noting, although it was certainly the most memorable. In slightly less stunning news, American Idol judge and 45-year-old pop star Paula Abdul returned, singing a song called “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow.” In a word: Awkweird. Although we are staunch believers in second chances, and know with certainty here at VH1 that second acts in American public life both exist and are de rigeur (Scott Baio is 46! Peter Brady is married! Bret Michaels is looking for love in all the wrong places!), Abdul’s lip-synching was awkward in the extreme. Fellow Idol judge Randy Jackson accompanied Abdul on bass. And more than one Internet critic has called for the return of MC Skat Kat. That would have been interesting.
Super Bowl ’08: Cheaters Never Win!
After a disappointing day in Omaha, the American Idol judges headed to Miami, where the warm weather seemed to ratchet up the energy and give Idol some of the juice it has been lacking. Simon was the real star of last night’s auditions, delivering some of the choicest, strangest, and cruelest rejections we?ve heard all season, a welcome return to form for the curmudgeonly Brit.
Let?s review, shall we, the destruction:
Auditions: Omaha, NE
The seemingly endless parade of auditions continues, as American Idol breaks new ground and pays a visit to America?s Heartland: Omaha, Nebraska. After the opening fervor of Season 7, the show’s pitch has begun to drop a bit: the judges look shopworn, the contestants ape earlier contestants and even the montages have a recycled air. But the city still deserves a shot, so let?s meet the best and worst of the sprawling Midwest and flip through American Idol?s Omaha Yearbook:
Auditions: Charleston, SC
American Idol Day 4 took us to the fabled South, where the talented and talentless were on view in equal measure. Hoping for a chance to head west, 10,000 people flooded Charleston. The contestants there put their faith in gimmicks, perhaps more so than any other city thus far. Some were successful. Some were not. Let?s take a look:
We rejoin American Idol at its first-ever San Diego auditions, where 12,000 hopefuls lined the sunny streets to warble their mostly off-key way to fame. The San Diego auditions highlighted the capriciousness of Idol–what works for some is poison for others. Let?s take a look:
You saw this week’s opening shot from the American Idol gang–a bunch of dreamers from Philly and Dallas laying it out there. That includes James Lewis, the basso-voiced dude who puts mucho drama into his performances. It’s hard to tell if he’s serious or not. But this clip suggests that Tay Zonday might have put him up to it.
Side note: Is it right for the dumb-assed show judges to chortle at James?
Season 7 of American Idol premieres next Wednesday and Thursday on Fox, but evidence in the press suggests that contestants might not have as long a shelf-life as Kelly Clarkson’s career would have you believe. Case in point? Katharine McPhee has split from RCA records, joining her fellow castmates Taylor Hicks and Ruben Studdard in being without label representation. Wikipedia notes that there are rumors of her courting another major label (or vice-versa), but there’s no word on any of that yet. Still, she’s in markedly better shape than down-and-out former Idol contestant Jessica Sierra, who’s on VH1′s new show, premiering tonight, Celebrity Rehab. Couple all that with Sanjaya exhaustion, and we’re beginning to wonder: Has the Idol phenomenon lost its luster? Maybe it’s just us, but we’re kind of wishing pop music would go back to its much less democratic state, with nepotism and Berry Gordy in charge.
What perfect timing! Just as we were gearing up for a new season of American Idol comes this crazy tale of our precious Paula Abdul totally losing it in the airport. A traveling spy saw the whole thing and offered this glorious account: “She had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes. One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled ?Poltergeist? voice. She kept screaming three names over and over ? Michael, Sidney and Leslie. Everyone was staring at her, but she didn?t care.?
We have a feeling Michael, Sidney and Leslie have grabbed their passports, some cash and their dignity and high-tailed it out of the country. Will Paula lose it on this season of American Idol? Did Sanjaya have the lamest hair ever? Only six more days till we find out! Below the jump we’ve got a few of our other favorite Paula moments for you to marvel at.
Remember that sexalicious off-key crooner Constantine Maroulis? Admit it, you too were totally turned on by his stringy hair and dimpled chin. Well now he can be all your’s – if you’re into BINGO and live in Wisconsin, that is. Yup, the singer – who has appeared on soaps and off-Broadway since his Idol run and is rumored to be dating Debbie Gibson – recently made an appearance in Oneida, WI at the local bingo night. He’s come so far since rockin’ out for Simon and Randy! Impressive.
Meanwhile, last season’s runner-up Blake Lewis was busy being a tool this New Year’s Eve, shouting “Titties in yo mouth!” to a pap’s video camera (if only he had beat-boxed it). American Idol just keeps churning out winners! We can’t wait to see what kind of stars they’ve unearthed this time around – the new season of Idol debuts on January 15th!