Britneys Worst Year Ever

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Britney’s Worst Year Ever: December

Britney_SpearsNo one could have imagined a mere 12 months ago that Brit would create such glorious new nonsense every week. Some of the craziness escapes you? Here’s our recount.

December 1 ? Even Celebrities Drunk Dial ? Britney hits the Scandinavian Mansion of Style [Ed: WTF?] to celebrate her 26th birthday with her two remaining friends, cousin/enabler Ali Sims and creepy new hanger-on Sam Lufti. Shortly after Paris Hilton joins the crew, she lends Britney her cell phone so she can call ex-husband Kevin Federline. Brit pleads with K-Fed to join them, but someone has to stay home and watch the kids. Britney becomes infuriated, and reportedly hangs up on him. [NY Post]

December 5 ? Shady Associates ? Brit pal and constant companion Sam Lufti apparently has quite the shady past. With two restraining orders and no discernible career (Lufti had claimed to be a film producer), Brit?s family fears for the singer?s safety. One source blabbed to UsWeekly: ?She?s so desperate for a friend.? [Us Weekly]

December 12 ? Calling In Sick to Court ? Ten minutes after a scheduled deposition began, Spears called and informed her representation that she was ill and unable to attend. Later that day, Brit?s creepy consort Sam Lufti called E! and told them that due to the media frenzy, Brit?s anxiety ?sky rocketed,? and she was unable to pull it together and face the same paparazzi and reporters she?s been courting for almost a decade. [Us Weekly]

December 19 ? Crazy Runs In The Family ? In an impressive show of sisterly love, 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn steps up and takes some of the media pressure off her sister by announcing her own pregnancy on the cover of OK! Magazine. While her parents were shocked and appalled, and the younger Spears confesses to being ?scared,? she?s decided to keep the baby. When questioned by TMZ, Britney initially had no idea her sister was in a family way. [OK! Magazine]

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Britney’s Worst Year Ever: November

britney_spears

You were there through the bad driving, the head-shaving, and the Criss Angel thing. It?s been a tough year for our girl. No one could have imagined a mere 12 months ago that she?d create such glorious new nonsense every week. Some of the craziness escapes you? Come back every day: We?re counting down the events that made up the Year in Britney.

November 14 ? Inhalers and Car Seats ? Spears failed one of her mandatory drug tests, which were put in place as a stipulation of her custody agreement. The drug Provigil ? which is used to treat narcolepsy — was found in her system. Just two days later, a judge ruled that Britney is prohibited from driving with her children in the car. [Access Hollywood]

November 18 ? Natural Born Hustler ? Spears made a stop at the Hustler Store, purveyor of sexy lingerie and sex toys, after midnight. When the pop star attempted to try on the underwear she?d selected, store staff informed her that due to the laws of society and the rules of hygiene, she was not allowed. The star then stripped down in the middle of the store in front of 15 customers. When asked to pay, the late-night skivvy shopper rolled her eyes, and snatched a pink wig as she walked out. [Us Weekly]

November 20 ? Like A Virgin, Only Not ? Just two days after her bizarre episode at the Hustler store, Us Weekly wages all out tabloid war, publishing a report that Spears lost her virginity at the tender age of 14, and not to Timberlake, which she?d always maintained. The magazine also revealed several family skeletons in its cover story on the fallen star, chiefly that depression runs in the Spears family, and Britney?s grandmother had committed suicide after her infant son died. [Us Weekly]

November 28 ? Knocked Up? ? InTouch reports that Britney is in a family way, by producer JR Rotem. Rotem was one of the pop star?s first suitors following her separation from Federline, and confessed to Blender magazine that he?d ?f*cked her wheelbarrow style.? InTouch reports that Rotem had confirmed the pregnancy, but Britney pal Sam Lufti quickly quashed the rumor, calling it ?B.S.? [JustJared]

November 28 ? Britney?s Very Own Wonderland ? On the same day the pregnancy allegations broke, Star magazine had a cover story on Britney?s ?Fantasy Room.? Apparently Brit has a room in her house dedicated solely to her kinky sex hobby. Within the mirror-ceilinged room are ticklers, spanking paddles, fur-trimmed handcuffs, costumes and pictures lining the walls of the pop star in a variety of lewd positions. Apart from the double-locked fantasy room, the spy also claimed that Brit?s house is a mess, with feces-stained couches. [Star Magazine]

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Britney’s Worst Year Ever: October

You were there through the bad driving, the head-shaving and the Criss Angel thing. It?s been a tough year for our girl. No one could have imagined a mere 12 months ago that she?d create such glorious new nonsense every week. Some of the craziness escapes you? Come back every day: We?re counting down the events that made up the Year in Britney.

Britney_SpearsOctober 3 ? Loses Mind, Babies ? After a three-hour hearing where both Brit and K-Fed were present, primary custody was awarded to Federline, while Spears received monitored visitation. In order to regain custody privileges, Spears would have to obtain a California driver?s license, attend parenting classes with Federline and submit to drug tests. The judge warned Spears to take his threats seriously. [MTV News]

October 5 ? Nobody?s Home — Just two days after the custody hearing wherein Federline was awarded full custody, the singer?s erratic behavior ? and a broken intercom ? caused her to miss her initial visit with her sons Jayden James and Sean Preston. Spears had initially planned to have her sons visit her at the Beverly Wilshire, then changed the location to her Malibu manse so as to make them more comfortable. The kids returned to Federline after several attempts to reach Spears, who was said to be inconsolable. [DListed]

October 26 ? ?Snort it, eat it, lick it?? ? At the follow-up custody hearing where Spears hoped to regain partial custody of her children, television correspondents inquired how the proceedings were going. Initially Spears responded that things were ?great,? then burst into a Tourette?s-type rage and shouted, ?Snort it, eat it, lick it, f*ck it.? [OK! Magazine]

October 29 ? Blackout, Indeed ? Without irony, Britney names her first studio album in four years Blackout. The name is intended as a message to ward off all the harm-wishers and haters who?d like to see the one-time Queen of Pop fail. The album, in addition to topping the charts, enrages the Catholic community, as it features shots of Ms. Spears seated on an attractive young priest?s lap. [NY Daily News]

October 30 ? Everyday is Halloween, Even Halloween ? In a bizarre turn of events, Britney ventures out for Halloween, just like unfit mothers around the globe. But they typically only have one costume. Apparently our girl spent over $1,000 on seven different get-ups. First up, Brit hit Winston?s as a slutty pirate wench, but quickly tired of the costume. Instead of leaving, she chatted up the bartender, stating ?You have nice tits. Mine are all saggy!? before demanding the bartender switch outfits with her. The following evening Britney was spotted out in her magenta cat-suit. [OK! Magazine]

[Image: X17]

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Britney’s Worst Year Ever: September

britney_spears

You were there through the bad driving, the head-shaving and the Criss Angel thing. It?s been a tough year for our girl. No one could have imagined a mere 12 months ago that she?d create such glorious new nonsense every week. Some of the craziness escapes you? Come back every day: We?re counting down the events that made up the Year in Britney.

September 9Gimme Less ? After days of speculation, MTV announces that the recently rehabbed pop star would make her triumphant comeback on the channel that made her. Unfortunately, Spears spent the night before the performance out with Diddy, staying up until 6 a.m. and skipped the dress rehearsal. Sarah Silverman?s pre-performance monologue, and what looked like a handful of sedatives derailed Spears: She bombed, moving through her routine like a zombie. The only person who deemed the performance a success was 50 Cent, who called it ?a highlight?she worked it.? We believe that 50 was in the bathroom at this point in the show. [Us Weekly]

September 12 ? Timbaland Says Apologize ? In an interview with MTV News, Timbaland says that he and Justin will never work with Britney unless she apologizes. Timbaland remains vague about what caused the bad blood, saying only, ?She knows what she’s sorry about. She needs to say, ‘I was wrong,’ and it’ll definitely move forward…. That’s all she has to say.” The producer then called her ?big-headed.? At press time, it appears Timbaland is still waiting on apology. [MTV News]

September 17 ? It?s Not Us, It?s You ? Just hours after her lawyers quit, the pop star found herself without representation when The Firm pulled a Timberlake and dumped her because of her behavior: The company claimed that ?current circumstances? prevented them from working with the enormously talented pop star. Current circumstances?could they mean the head-shaving? Or the erratic behavior that might be the result of a serious drug addiction? Or the barefoot-in-public-restroom thing? This is the second time Brit?s management has quit in as many months. [People]

September 23 ? The Bodyguard ? In a sworn deposition in the custody battle between Kevin Federline and Britney Spears, former bodyguard Tony Barretto revealed the torments of his job as her protector: He had to allow her to rub her breasts on him and grind with her on a dancefloor. In addition to sexual harassment, Barretto was charged with keeping her full of Special K (her favorite cereal), and orchestrating the shutting down of Rite-Aids so the star could shop in privacy. [News of the World]

[Image: Seth Browarnik/Wire Image]

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by (@katespencer)

Britney’s Worst Year Ever: August

britneyaugust.jpg

You were there through the bad driving, the head-shaving, and the Criss Angel thing. It?s been a tough year for our girl. No one could have imagined a mere 12 months ago that she?d create such glorious new nonsense every week. Some of the craziness escapes you? Come back every day: We?re counting down the events that made up the Year in Britney.

August 1Mom of the Year - The Britney backlash chugged on full steam ahead when numerous tabloids published disturbing details about B’s mothering skills. Teeth whitening for her tots! Feeding her babies juice! Just typical stuff in Britney’s Bizarre House of Horrors! [Us]

August 7 - I’m a Brainiac – Britney fortified her “crappy driver” status in August, when she hit a parked car while trying to pull into a parking spot. After declaring “I’m a brainiac” and asking the paps “what should I do?” Britney gets back to focusing on the important matter at hand, wailing, “Did I hurt my car?” Nope – just your reputation! [IDLYITW]

August 15Photoshopped much? – Britney appeared on the cover of Allure magazine, but damn, it sure didn’t look like Britney! Clean, sexy, not driving or chugging Starbucks – it was nice to see her looking so put together, even if it was a result of fabulous photo editing. [ONTD]

August 17 - Angel Eyes – BritBrit continued her quest to date every fugly dude in Hollywood when she took a liking to lame illusionist Criss Angel. The two were spotted carousing around Las Vegas, heightening the rumors that Britney would indeed perform at the VMAs. While Angel claimed they were pals with a mutal manager, working on a project together, the hours they spent holed up in hotel rooms seemed to signal otherwise. In the end, Criss was nowhere to be seen come the VMAs and as we know, Brit bombed. Maybe his magic tricks would have helped? [People, TMZ]

by (@katespencer)

Britney’s Worst Year Ever: July

britneyvideo.jpg

You were there through the bad driving, the head-shaving, and the Criss Angel thing. It?s been a tough year for our girl. No one could have imagined a mere 12 months ago that she?d create such glorious new nonsense every week. Some of the craziness escapes you? Come back every day: We?re counting down the events that made up the Year in Britney.

July 5 - I’m Sorry Ya’ll – Britney gets her pen busy again and writes an apology to X17 for attacking them with an umbrella back in February. She was just practicing for a role, ya’ll! Whoops. [Radar]

July 12 - Just A Client – Rumors spread like bad acne that Britney was getting busy with her hunky bodyguard and manny, Daimon Shippen. Sadly for our girl Brit, there was nothing sexy going on – besides Daimon’s chiseled good looks. [People]

July 20Gimme Morbid - Hot damn! Britney finally went to work on the first video from her album for the single Gimme More, and she looked more like a widow than a video ho. Decked out in all black (including her fake hair) the singer allegedly spent most of the shoot grinding on the on-set stripper poles and pissing everyone off. She is Britney, bitches. [The Blemish]

July 23Not OK! – Melt downs! Frequent bathroom visits! Mounds of dog poop on designer dresses! Those were the rumors swirling around Britney’s infamous OK! Magazine cover shoot, that infamously ended when she walked out with thousands of clothing owned by the rag. OK! even sold Britney out in the end, dishing on the disastrous shoot to sell the story. [TMZ]

July 26What Happens in Vegas – Whoops! Britney accidentally took off for Vegas with her kids in tow, even though legally she was not permitted to leave the state with the babies without K-Fed’s consent. The bonehead move also set the ball rolling for K-Fed’s custody fight against his ex, who just loves to get into trouble behind the wheel. [AccessHollywood]

by (@katespencer)

Britney’s Worst Year Ever: June

britneyjune.jpg

You were there through the bad driving, the head-shaving, and the Criss Angel thing. It?s been a tough year for our girl. No one could have imagined a mere 12 months ago that she?d create such glorious new nonsense every week. Some of the craziness escapes you? Come back every day: We?re counting down the events that made up the Year in Britney.

June 12 - Butts n’ Boobs Galore – Britney probably tried to excuse this slutty outfit malfunction with some sort of “I’m young and single ya’ll!” excuse, but we don’t buy it. The singer donned a slinky green dress out on the town, and originally wore it backwards until some kind Samaritan clued her in. It still didn’t stop her nipple from popping out over the course of the night, and there was no excuse for her to flash her ass at the world. But really, she was just breaking us in for a long line of disastrous outfit choices. Thanks B! [Socialite's Life]

June 13Name That Tune - Britney implored her fans on her website to pick a name for her upcoming album. Their options?

1) Omg is Like Lindsay Lohan Like OK Like
2) What if the Joke is on You
3) Down boy
4) Integrity
5) Dignity

Unfortunately, Bat Sh*t Insane was not an option, cuz we guess most people would have gone with that. In the end Brit named her “comeback album” Blackout, which is probably what she had going on when she posted the above on her site. [AccessHollywood]

June 28Dear Mama – It looked like a scene out of some bad movie about a trailer trash family torn apart. In reality, only Brit looked like trash – her mom just happened to be on-set with daughter Jamie-Lynn and sitting at her trailer. But God sure does have a sense of humor! Decked out in jean cut-offs and a skimpy tank top, Britney handed her Mom a set of papers and stomped away after a quick convo. Rumored to be a restraining order, the documents were allegedly legal papers from an out of state lawyer asking her to stay away from Brit’s tots. Yep, she’s at her best when she’s droppin’ a little family drama on our asses! [JustJared, TMZ]

by (@katespencer)

Britney’s Worst Year Ever: May

britney_may07.jpgYou were there through the bad driving, the head-shaving, and the Criss Angel thing. It?s been a tough year for our girl. No one could have imagined a mere 12 months ago that she?d create such glorious new nonsense every week. Some of the craziness escapes you? Come back every day: We?re counting down the events that made up the Year in Britney.

May 3Don’t Call it a Comeback – Britney took to the stage in a wig, fur coat, short skirt and trashy boots for her first performance since her divorce and rehab stint. Though she spent a few minutes on stage singing and writhing around, her House of Blues shows looked more like her meltdowns than a performance – with a little choreography sprinkled on top. [People]

May 16The Message – The singer became a scribe when she took to her website to post an ultra-personal message to her fans. Thanking them for their prayers, she waxed poetic about their support during her “trying time.” Little did they know her situation – and her writing – were only gonna get a lot worse. [I'mNotObsessed]

May 18The Weave Debuts! – It’s a rug! It’s dead roadkill! It’s BRITNEY’S WEAVE! Finally, after months of wig-wearing, Britney was able to pay someone enough money to bind pounds of fake hair to the buzz cut she had grown out on her noggin. But her nasty new hair soon became the butt of every blogger’s joke, and TMZ even called her hair-tastrophy one of the great man-made wonders of the world. We like to think of it as more of an unnatural disaster. [DListed]

May 29I Was So Lost – The starlet capped off the spring with another post to her website, but this time her rambling took on a depressing, helpless tone. In the lengthy post Britney addressed her trip to rehab, her manager, divorce and how she had “cut so many people” out of her life. She went from acknowledging her issues : “I truly hit rock bottom,” to sounding surprisingly human: “I just want the same things in life that you want?and that is to be happy.” But in the end, she only solidified her reputation as a train wreck. [MTV News, Evil Beet]

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Britney’s Worst Year Ever: April

year_in_britney_4.jpg

You were there through the bad driving, the head-shaving, and the Criss Angel thing. It’s been a tough year for our girl. No one could have imagined a mere 12 months ago that she’d create such glorious new nonsense every week. Some of the craziness escapes you? Come back every day: We’re counting down the events that made up the Year in Britney.

April 5One Day at a Time – Britney’s clearly well versed in all things toxic, bachelors included. So it wasn’t exactly surprising when news emerged that she had dabbled in rehab romance. Life & Style reported that Brit “fell hard” for bad-boy singer-songwriter Howie Day in rehab and that he’s the “best kisser ever!” Howie has a history of run-ins with the law, which means Brit was adding yet another wonderful influence to her arsenal. You know how she rolls. [MSNBC]

April 15Just Can’t Manage – Not a month after leaving the rehab manager Larry Rudolph had allegedly confined Britney to, she fired him. To hear the New York Post tell it, Brit used him as a scapegoat and blamed him for all of her then-recent woes, including introducing her to Paris Hilton. If that’s true, it’s actually probably the most lucid move she made all year. Days later, Britney’s father, Jamie, took the opportunity to publicly criticize his daughter. Said Daddy: “The Spears family would like to publicly apologize to Larry for our daughter’s statements about him over the past few weeks. Unfortunately, she blames him and her family for where she is at today with her kids and career. Larry has always been there for Britney. For this, we will forever be grateful to him.” Adding more juice to the pot, Britney responded to her father: “I am praying for my father. We have never had a good relationship. It’s sad that all the men that have been in my life do not know how to accept a real woman’s love. I am concentrating on my work and my life right now.” It’s hard work keeping those tongues wagging, you know? [New York Post]

[Image credt: X17]

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Britney’s Worst Year Ever: March

year_in_britney_3.jpg

You were there through the bad driving, the head-shaving, and the Criss Angel thing. It’s been a tough year for our girl. No one could have imagined a mere 12 months ago that she’d create such glorious new nonsense every week. Some of the craziness escapes you? Come back every day: We’re counting down the events that made up the Year in Britney.

March 5Anarchy in the R.C. – A little thing like rehab wasn’t going to stop the amazing stories about Britney from coming. In what might be the most deliciously ridiculous tale to be told about Britney this year (though, to be fair, that Chinese-twins adoption thing may take the cake), our anti-hero is said to have scrawled 666 on her head, screamed, “I am the Antichrist!” and then attempted to hang herself. Lucky for an Earth full of voyeurs, she was not successful. [Softpedia]

March 15Coke Addict – Even more highly unlikely, but-wouldn’t-that-be-awesome-if-it-were-true yarn emerged (can you tell how bored the press was during the 30 days Brit was away?): Star reported that Britney had a 24-can-a-day Coke habit. For the caffeine buzz that would give you, the 3,300 calories would be but a small price to pay, no? The other part of the rag’s story is that Britney was a raving diva in rehab. That part wasn’t so hard to believe. [Star]

March 21Free at Last! – Britney left rehab and leaped right back into our arms. Or maybe it just seemed that way. Her to-be-ex-manager Larry Rudolph issued a statement, claiming that Britney had “been released by the Promises Malibu Treatment Center after successfully completing their program.” As the remaining nine months of 2007 would teach us, “successfully” is a relative term. [People]

[Image source: X17]