Everyone’s favorite Barbadian ambassador is bringing new levels of synergy to pop-music metaphors. Not since OutKast’s shameless promotion of Polaroid has an artist shilled so hard for a product that most people don’t spend much time thinking about. In this case, Rihanna has gone into business with Totes (think Isotoners) to create a line of umbrellas, inspired, of course, by her song “Umbrella.” Ranging in price from $15-$50, Rihanna’s line of rain gear comes with names like Satin Stick and Signature Slender: fun, even if the names are slightly reminscent of air freshener flavors. Kudos to Totes for spotting an opportunity to take advantage of the song of the summer. And accolades go to Rihanna, too, who told Paper magazine in a recent interview that she wanted to be “the black Madonna.” Since Madonna’s talents naturally run to business management, Rihanna’s fledgling mogul-hood shouldn’t come as a surprise.

If this was 1988, this would be the biggest news story ever: Former Smiths frontman Morrissey (and vehement vegetarian) slammed fur-loving pop star Madonna, claiming Madge adopted her son, two-year-old orphan David Banda, in order to make a jacket out of him. ?I wouldn?t be surprised if she [Madonna] made that African boy into a coat and wore him…for 15 minutes, and then threw it away,? said the famously dyspeptic singer. In the past, Moz has gone after his own band, George Michael and David Bowie, as well as mope rock king Robert Smith. Smith famously committed to eating meat, simply because Morrissey doesn’t. Way to gather support, Moz.

In the latest screen-to-stage move, ’80s cult fave Desperately Seeking Susan is being turned into a West End Musical. Downtown icon Debbie Harry of Blondie fame has penned one new song for the play, “Moment of Truth,” and the score will include Blonide hits “Tide Is High,” “Heart of Glass” and “One Way Or Another.” The film, which epitomized New York’s East Village culture at the time, was Madonna‘s acting debut and remains one of her only tolerable film performances. The play opens October 12th at London’s Novello Theater.

Madonna reportedly issued a weird decree to U.S. reporters backstage at Live Earth: they were to never break eye contact with her as they interviewed her. They were told that the simple act of looking down to check their notes would cause the interview to be canceled. One anonymous source said: “It’s intimidating enough interviewing Madonna, because she’s so intense, but when we were given these weird orders it was even worse. We thought her people were just joking. But it soon became apparent that they were deadly serious.”

The crazy thing about her demand is that a tenant of diva behavior is to demand that underlings avoid eye contact. But that’s Madonna for you: constantly digging up new ways to be a pain in the ass. The woman is an innovator.

But really, I think she wanted people to maintain eye contact so that they’d stay still long enough for her to catch them with the spider legs she had attached to her face in the place of eyelashes.

Terrifying, right? [Mirror.co.uk / Image credit: Getty]

Uber-producer Timbaland is throwing in the towel. In a recent interview with Gigwise, Tim (real name Timothy Mosley) bemoaned the state of the music industry, stating: “Music is boring right now. I’m too innovative for the world.” Tim then goes on to explain how he’ll “de-crown” himself and let some of the up-and-comers have a shot. “They won’t be able to be me,” Tim explains. “There’s only one Timbaland.” We here at VH1.com put Tim’s retirement party sometime after he finishes touring with Justin Timberlake, produces Madonna’s album, and quits writing all those songs with Simon LeBon for the new Duran Duran record. Which is pretty much never. We’re also elevating Tim to orange on our “Egomanic Alert” guide, for referring to himself in the third person.

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In the forthcoming American Legacy, a new book about the sadly deceased JFK Jr., one of the scion’s friends from university told the author about an evening the Kennedy shared with Madonna in 1988. Apparently the two were at a fleabag Chicago hotel for a “secret rendezvous” (that’s how The New York Post puts it, anyway), when they realized they didn’t have protection. No glove, no love. Because both were so famous — and because both were also very much attached to significant others, Madonna to Sean Penn — they couldn’t just go to the Duane Reade and buy a pack of condoms. This was back when famous people knew what shame was. Doesn’t celebrity suck?