Sorry, regular peeps. There is absolutely no chance you’ll be considered for the role of god-father to the new golden gods, Knox and Vivienne Jolie-Pitt. Super famous kids need super famous godparents, and Bono‘s getting the job, soley for the reason that it’s pretty f*cking cool to get money on your birthday every year from the dude who sings “With Or Without You.” Also, Brad and Angie are star f*ckers. Need examples?
1. A source says: “They have been friends for years. Brad is a massive U2 fan and told Bono how much he admired him when they were introduced at a party a few years back.”
2. The same source reveals: “Angelina is inspired by Bono’s humanitarian work and gets on with his wife Ali Hewson. Ali’s given Angelina some clothes from her ethical clothing range Edun.”
Jessica Balks at Break Up Rumors
Simpson is suing the mag that claimed Tony Romo is desperate to dump her, which only makes her seem that much more annoying. [TMZ]
Brit?s Bud Sam Lufti Grilled in Deposition
K-Fed’s lawyers went after Brit’s sidekick Sam, attempting to discover what Britney drinks, thinks and does all day long. Try: vodka, little and nothing.? [TMZ]
Angelina Knocked Up with Twins?
Brangelina is well on their way to creating their own country of adorable, well-dressed kids.? [Star]
Ledger Family?s Last Messages to Heath
The Aussie fam left their son/brother heartbreaking messages in their local Aussie paper. Read them and weep.? [Us]
Heidi & Spencer: Paid for Paparazzi Shots?
The most hated couple from The Hills has a not-so-secret deal with a photo agency that pays them cash for all those posed shots.? [Jossip]
Bounty Hunter Star Busted in the Nude
Dog’s bro and fellow bounty hunter Tim Chapman was arrested after cops found him naked in his truck getting busy with himself. Bad judgment must run in the family.? [TMZ]
K-Fed Gets the Kids
Brit’s out and Kevin’s in as the sole custodian of their two kids. Phew – there’s still time for them not to get completely f*cked up.? [TMZ]
Nicole Kidman: Knocked Up and Nervous
Nic’s dropped out of her latest film to maintain her health while pregnant – and to hide from the world without her botox.? [NY Post]
Is Tom Cruise Scientology?s #2?
A new unauthorized biography alleges that Tom Cruise is Scientology’s second-in-command and that Katie was impregnated with L. Ron Hubbard’s sperm. Um, duh?? [NYDN]
Brangelina Pretends to be Normal in Missouri
Brad’s brood relaxed and hit up a local pizza place while visiting his family in Missouri and basked in the lack of attention they received from locals. Psst, Brange – they were ignoring your asses!? [Us]
Angelina Thinks We’re Obsessed with her Bod
Angie’s mad we got all freaked out by her skin and bones look this year. Just stop looking too thin and we’ll stop caring. [Us]
Is Jamie-Lynn Having a Shotgun Wedding?
Family members weigh in (oh, how the spotlight feels good!) on whether or not Jamie-Lynn Spears will wed her 18-year old sweetheart/baby-daddy. [People]
Jessica Alba Won’t Wear White While Pregnant
Just another knocked up Hollywood starlet who won’t walk down the aisle with a baby belly. [Us]
R. Kelly: Late for Court
The singer avoided arrest on child porn charges by showing up to court, but claimed the police made him late. Er, or he was too busy chatting up some kids outside the court house. [Bossip]
Ashley Tisdale Nose Backlash
The High School Musical star is getting a lot of hate thrown her way about her new, face-changing nose. Remember Jennifer Grey? Exactly. [TMZ]
Jessica Simpson?s Got Beef with Pal Eva
Jess is supposedly all pissed that her BFF Eva Longoria was spotted hanging with John Mayer. Bros before annoying whiny pains in the ass, right Eva? [NYP]
Madonna Stepping Up to Back Hillary
Look out Oprah, there’s a new famous lady campaigning for a Dem in town! [NYDN]
J.Lo?s Twin?s Are Already Spoiled
These mofo’s are having three different nurseries designed for them – one at each mansion. Let’s just leave it at that. [NYDN]
Britney Acts Crazy, Looks Like Crap
Hey ya’ll! Just me and my pink wig, driving around like a freak! Ya’ll should buy my album so I can afford more Frappucinos! [TMZ]
Angelina Names Shiloh the Family Outcast
Jolie calls her biological baby the family outcast because she’s looks different from her other kids. She’s just giving Shiloh that much more ammo to use against her when she turns 13. [DListed]
Vivica A. Fox: DUI Drama
Come on Vivica, we thought you were smarter than that! Happy booking. [Yahoo]
Jay-Z?s Birthday Bash with Beyonce
Awww. The pair celebrated Jay’s special day with a romantic dinner in Paris followed by a trip to a fancy strip club. [People]
Celebs Speak About Skinny Standards
Hotties like Petra Nemcova, Rosario Dawson and Anne Hathway got Jennifer Love Hewitt’s back. Girl power! [People]
More Babies for Brangelina
Orphans around the world are clamoring to be the it baby of the year. Good luck little ones! [Us]
Ryan Phillippe Back with Abbie
Reese’s ex has gone public with the woman who broke up their marriage – and she’s even getting cozy with their kids.
Both Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Love Hewitt are steaming mad over some recent accusations thrown their way about their less-than-perfect body parts. After pics of J Love in a bikini hit the blogosphere, she took to her blog to tell all the anonymous posters hurling insults at her (and her butt) to eff off. ScarJo is also pissed and preaching, and has issued a statement threatening to sue Us Weekly after they accused her of getting a nose job.
These stars may think that these are minor body infractions, but let’s be honest, lots of celebrities have let themselves go these days. How dare they have regular sized butts or average noses?! Their determination to be just like everyone else is a travesty. Below the jump we lay down the law with some other celebs who need to hit the gym and hop under the knife. If we’re gonna pay $12 to see some star in a movie, we demand airbrushed perfection! ScarJo and Jennifer couldn’t cut it, but there’s gotta be some hope for other celebs. Fix that sh*t!
Jessica Simpson?s Fake Boyfriends
Apparently her dad is responsible for planting items about Jess and Owen Wilson to help promote her image and album. Cuz everyone loves a girl who dates a charity case! [MSNBC]
Jon Bon Jovi for Governor of Jersey?
The rocker is ready to give politics a bad name. As in Governor Bon Jovi. [NYP]
Pics Prove Jake & Reese?s Love
Sure they’re boring, but they’re also kind of perfect together in that ‘sometimes it’s fun to watch paint dry’ sort of way. [Us]
Angelina Jolie the Journalist
The actress is penning a piece for The Economist, which we hope is about how making babies with Brad Pitt will change the world. [Us]
Britney Heads Back to Court
Here’s a tip Brit – have one of your babies drive and you won’t end up back in court every couple of days. [TMZ]
Star Jones Disses Teen Fans
The talk show host takes her diva-ness to a new level after she bailed on speaking to a group of underprivileged teenage girls because they weren’t able to raise the full $25,000 she demanded as payment. [NYDN]
Pete Doherty Back on Smack
Oh look, the consummate heroin addict is back on drugs – and he’s put it all on video in case there were doubts about his love for smack. [DListed]
Angelina Finally Snaps About Jen
Ms. Perfect snapped at a reporter who had the audacity to ask about her and Jen’s dueling magazine covers. Angie’s human after all! [DListed]
Oprah Goes YouTube Crazy
The Queen of Chat is now the Queen of the Internet – we expect an awesome breakdancing video or a ripoff of LonelyGirl15 any day now. [JustJared]
Spice Girls Debut Super Sexy Video
Even though they’re older and all have kids, the Girls are all sorts of sexy in their new vid. Still – what’s with all the leather underwear? [A Socialite's Life]
Heidi Klum and Seal: Singing Together?
Just what we never wanted to see – Heidi Klum singing with her hubby. Next up: Seal aufs a bunch of designers. [Us]
Nicole Kidman?s Career in the Toilet?
With a bunch of bad films under her belt and her new fantasy flick (that cost $175 million to make) already getting trashed in the press, it might be time for Nicole to stop botoxing her face and stick a little juice in her career. [NYP]
Brit Leaves Back Up Dancers Unpaid
Big surprise – Britney still owes her VMA dancers some cash for their work. Starbucks is expensive ya’ll! [Us]
Baby Shiloh Travels in Style
Shiloh’s spoiled and has already seen more of the world in 17 months than we’ll see in our lifetimes. But at least our parents let us eat sugar cereals! [Ok]
The Many Faces of Lindsay?s New Man
Isn’t it cute how Riley Giles looks totally hot in every one of his four mugshots?! Zexy! [TMZ]