by (@JordanRuntagh)

10 Rock ‘N’ Roll Movies That Totally Didn’t Rock

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Filmmakers have been trying to bring the raw excitement of live rock ‘n’ roll to the big screen for decades. Sometimes the results are a head-bangingly awesome triumph. But other times…the result is a flacid film that rocks about as much as The Perry Como Christmas Album. In other words, it totally doesn’t rock. And for those movies, we have nothing but ¬†disappointment and scorn.

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by (@katespencer)

Thursday: Paula Prepares to Suck at Super Bowl

paula-abdul.jpgPaula?s Superbowl Show a “Massive Disaster”
Insiders are saying Paula’s half time show is gonna straight up suck. But America will watch because she’s forever our girl. Rush, rush to your TV! [TMZ]

Amy?s Hubby Ready To Divorce
Her man threatened divorce after a major fight. Has Blake finally gotten off the drugs and wised up in jail? [DListed]

Ashley Olsen Sucks Jared Leto?s Face
Well-dressed troll + rocker a-hole = love. Awwww. [Us]

Oops! Someone Pissed off the Scientologists
Tom Cruise’s church is laying on the legal BS after Gawker posted this video of Tommy ranting, claiming copyright infringement. [Gawker]

K-Fed?s Lawyer Talks Up his Client
Kevin’s suit is claiming that Brit’s Ex wants to raise their kids together. Don’t lie, Kev. We’d be stoked about sole custody too. [People]

by (@katespencer)

Monday: Sean and Jayden Safe with K-Fed

federline-010708.jpgBounty Hunter Star Busted in the Nude
Dog’s bro and fellow bounty hunter Tim Chapman was arrested after cops found him naked in his truck getting busy with himself. Bad judgment must run in the family.? [TMZ]

K-Fed Gets the Kids
Brit’s out and Kevin’s in as the sole custodian of their two kids. Phew – there’s still time for them not to get completely f*cked up.? [TMZ]

Nicole Kidman: Knocked Up and Nervous
Nic’s dropped out of her latest film to maintain her health while pregnant – and to hide from the world without her botox.? [NY Post]

Is Tom Cruise Scientology?s #2?
A new unauthorized biography alleges that Tom Cruise is Scientology’s second-in-command and that Katie was impregnated with L. Ron Hubbard’s sperm. Um, duh?? [NYDN]

Brangelina Pretends to be Normal in Missouri
Brad’s brood relaxed and hit up a local pizza place while visiting his family in Missouri and basked in the lack of attention they received from locals. Psst, Brange – they were ignoring your asses!? [Us]

by (@katespencer)

Tuesday: Ashlee Simpson Hates Her Lungs

ashlee-simpson.jpgAshlee Simpson: Nicotine Addict
First Jessica divorced and now Ashlee’s a smoker? Those Simpson girls sure are wild! [NYDN]

Tom Cruise Freaks Over Fat Photo
Oops! That pic snapped by paps of plump and balding Tommy accidentally revealed his surprise cameo in Ben Stiller’s new flick. [EOnline]

Mary-Kate: Sick and Hospitalized
A tiny Olsen twin sent to the hospital with a kidney infection? Can’t say we’re surprised, but we hope she gets well soon! [People]

Britney Finally Protecting her Kids
The messlet has gotten serious about security for her kids. That’s really sweet, but what took her so long? She’s been too busy text messaging pals about her new lips to notice there was a problem. [People]

Nicole Richie Donates Baby Gifts
Nicole has given all those tiny baby cell phones and miniature giant sunglasses she got at her baby shower to charity! That’s hot generous. [People]

by (@katespencer)

Monday: Nicole Richie’s Big Baby Bash

nicolerichie.jpgNicole?s Shower Reveals Baby Boy?
Pals like Paris were spotted bringing boyish gifts to Richie’s Wizard of Oz themed baby shower. Lil Madden will be able to fit into Mommy’s clothes in no time! [People]

Carrie Underwood Wins Again
Now the Idol’s got 3 American Music Awards under her couture belt. Take that Kelly! [Us]

No One Cares About Paris Anymore
No one is photographing Paris anymore! The world may not be able to agree on how to attain universal peace, but at least we all can all get behind hating Paris. [TMZ]

Amy Winehouse Puff Puffs, Freaks
The singer was busted for constantly smoking in the bathroom of an airplane, on an hour long flight. Er, obviously? [DListed]

Pics: Tom Cruise is Seriously Fat and Bald
He may be in costume, but this look isn’t that far off. This is what Katie gets for marrying a dude 20 years older! [DListed]

by (@katespencer)

Thursday: J.Lo’s Got That Pregnancy Glow

jennifer-lopez-1108.jpgJennifer Lopez is Pregnant ? Surprised?
The worst kept secret in the world is out after J.Lo confirms her pregnancy at her Miami show. She can finally get back to wearing regular ol’ sexy clothes now. Phew! [Us]

Lindsay?s Crashed Mercedes for Sale
Feel like blowing over $100,000 on a cokehead’s car? Bid on Lindsay’s wrecked ride – it’s up on Ebay (she must really need some cash). [NYP]

Rosie?s Rumored Show Gets Canned
But never fear, she’s blogged all about it on her site! Guess it wasn’t meant 2b. [Us]

Ashley and Lance?s Sleepover
They keep hooking up and we keep getting more grossed out. Friend are claiming Lance might be having a midlife crisis – but really he just likes young tail. [Us]

Tom Gushes Over Katie – Again
Tom: “Katie’s an inspiration!” Katie: “Tom is all things love and light!” Suri: “Someone pay attention to me!” [People]

by (@katespencer)

Wednesday: Ashley Olsen Makes Out with Lance Armstrong

ashley-olsen-1031.jpgTomKat Ready to Give Suri a Sibling
- Or Katie just needs another friend to hang out with since her old ones are probably banned from their house now. [OK!]

Ashley Olsen Kisses Lance Armstrong
He may not be old enough to be her dad, but he’s tall enough to be her…climbing tree? Is that really sexy? [NYP]

J Lo?s New Flick Gets Panned
Everything Jennifer Lopez does these days is getting booed. She should just tell us that she’s pregnant so we can like something she’s created. [NYP]

Britney Refuses to Promote Album
Brit’s too lazy/crazy/tired/drunk/hungry/cold/spacey/stupid to promote her new album, and her label’s given up on trying to make her work. Psssst – tempt her with Taco Bell. [NYDN]

Reese and Jake?s Love: Real or Fake?
Check out this video of the pair cuddling on the beach and feeding each other. Who does that? People faking a relationship to create buzz for their failing film, perhaps? [TMZ]

by (@katespencer)

Tuesday: Halle Berry’s Bad Joke

halle1023.jpgCheck out Brit?s New Big Lips
What’s shocking about these pics is not the size of Britney’s newly enhanced lips, but rather how rough her face is looking these days. Ease up on those fake tans, girl. [Us]

Halle Berry Sorry for Rude Remark
A remorseful Halle Berry apologizes for a ‘Jewish joke’ gone wrong on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. [NYP]

J Lo?s Stingy Reputation
Lopez is refusing to pay the bills she racked up providing cars for peeps like her sister while shooting her last flick. Maybe she’s confused – it’s love that don’t cost a thing, not limos. [NYP]

Reese and Jake Kiss – OMG!!!
It’s only taken these two like, a hundred years to finally show some real PDA – and it’s not even scandalous! We won’t see the sex tape until 2065.? [Us]

Tom Cruise Shows Fans Crazy Love
Little Tommy worked the red carpet and schmoozed with fans for two and a half hours at his new film’s premiere. Even the crazy celebs gotta work hard for their money. [Socialite's Life]

by (@katespencer)

Wednesday: Ellen Barks While Her Fans Bite

ellen1017.jpgEllen?s Pup Problems Escalate
She may have wept openly on her show yesterday, but Ellen’s flack has apparently been playing a little dirty with the dog agency in question, whose president is now receiving death threats. [NYP]

Hills Stars Spencer & Heidi Get Hacked
Hackers allegedly broke into the couple’s respective blogs and posted confessions, claiming that they leaked the sex tape rumors about co-star LC. We smell two idiots orchestrating a super-smart publicity stunt! [People]

Pics: Pam Anderson?s White Wedding
Hurray! It’s the first pic from Pam’s Vegas wedding and – big surprise – she looks like she does all the time. Tiny skirt, big hair and massive boobs say matrimony to us! [Ok!]

Brit Bashes her Custody Judge
The worst mom in LA was overheard ragging on the judge in her court case. That’s the way to get those babies back, girl!? [Us]

Lindsay Drops By Favorite LA Haunts
She’s backkkkkk. Linds did a little shopping yesterday on Robertson Blvd. surrounded by a posse of paparazzi. And here we thought she had kicked her addiction to attention. [DListed]

by (@katespencer)

Tuesday: Nicole’s Barefoot & Pregnant Down Under

nicole1009.jpgNicole Rocks Bikini in Australia
Is it wrong to hate a pregnant woman for looking better in bikinis than you do? [Just Jared]

Britney Finally Sees Her Sons
The boys and a parenting coach came to Brit’s house for a visit – so she waddled around her yard yapping on a cell phone while the children played. Daddy – help! [NYDN]

Lily Allen: Hypnotized to Get Skinny
The singer was hypnotized into enjoying exercise and eating. Because how else could you get her to do anything? [Us Weekly]

Tom Cruise?s Cursed Film
Much of the film for Tommy’s new movie about a German soldier is unusable and must be shot again. Let’s see Scientology save ya now, buddy! [People]

Foxy Pens Song in the Slammer
Look out! Foxy’s pissed at a certain NY newspaper and is taking her threats to the page. Good thing she’s gonna be locked up for a while. [NY Post]